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Well, everybody seems to have something to say about the new “Barbie” film, the summer blockbuster that used up so much pink paint on its set designs it actually caused a pink paint shortage, spreading panic among people who panic over pink paint. The film has inspired so much online commentary, it also threatens to cause a shortage of pixels, spreading panic among people who panic over pixels, who turn out to be the same people who panic over pink paint, and climate change and other meaningless nonsense.
On the Right, commentators thought the film sucked because it was a shrill, man-hating feminist screed. On the Left, commentators thought the film sucked but had to pretend to like it because it was a shrill, man-hating feminist screed. The only person who seemed to enjoy the movie was Ben Shapiro, who loved it so much he actually bought his own Barbie and played with it until the fire department came and put it out.
So many people have commented on “Barbie” that there’s very little left for me to say. So I’ve decided to do something totally original by offering my comments on “Barbie” without actually watching the movie. Now you may ask yourself: What’s the point of that? And the point is: I don’t have to watch a movie that’s about Barbie. Because frankly, if I have to choose between watching a movie about Barbie and sticking a screwdriver so far into my ear that only the handle sticks out, you’ll soon have to call me Old Screwdriver Ear as in the sentence, “Boy, that Old Screwdriver Ear sure didn’t want to watch a movie about Barbie.” And that would be true. Not caring about “Barbie” is kind of a passion with me. It’s the reason I forced my daughter to grow up by sticking a pistol in her face and saying, “Grow up, kid, or I’ll blast you.” And all right, it wasn’t a real pistol. But she didn’t know that, and you can bet she grew up in a big hurry.
Anyway, instead of watching “Barbie,” I went to see “Oppenheimer,” a movie so long that when it premiered in Tokyo, the Japanese surrendered again. And now that I haven’t seen “Barbie” for a full three hours plus trailers, here’s my review.
As you know, feminists hate “Barbie” because she’s shapely and feminine and blond and wouldn’t really become an astronaut or a surgeon or a cowgirl because a woman who’s shapely, feminine and blonde can have a totally happy life without bothering to become any of those things. But to me all this feminist hostility is misplaced. I mean, Barbie has no vagina so she can’t get laid, her breasts don’t give milk so she’d make a lousy mother, and her head is made of plastic — so to me she sounds just like all the other feminists. Anyway, I sat down to not watch this movie not knowing what to expect.
And frankly, I hated it. “Barbie” is the worst film I’ve never seen. It’s even worse than “Real Women have Curves,” which was so bad I didn’t watch it twice. To show you how bad “Barbie was,” let me sum up the plot, which I know nothing about because I didn’t watch the movie. I didn’t even read the summary on Wikipedia because I didn’t want to have to walk around with some damn screwdriver stuck in my ear.
“Barbie” begins in Barbieland, where it’s not very exciting because the only man around is Ken and he’s obviously gay or he wouldn’t dress like that. Also, the roller blades are a giveaway. Barbie decides to go to the real world where the women complain to her that being a woman is hard because of men. So obviously, this isn’t the real real world but there are some similarities, like the women complaining all the time and blaming men. Finally, Barbie meets a wise woman who explains that being a woman is very hard because of men. So Barbie returns to Barbieland and starts to complain about everything while blaming men, and Barbieland becomes just like reality only plastic.
So that’s my review. And if you listened to this and thought, “What the hell was the point of that?” you may have missed the part where I explained that I didn’t have to watch “Barbie.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.