— Satire —
Allow Me To Explain Leftist Theory
The following is the opening satirical monologue from”The Andrew Klavan Show.“
The central purpose of this podcast is to bring the people of our nation together and heal the wounds of our divisions through compassion and understanding. Not really. But it’s fun to play pretend.
And sometimes, I know, in the heat of our political disagreements, it can begin to seem that those on the left side of the political aisle are nothing more than a degraded and self-deceived coven of moral deviants wallowing in the muck of their perversity while inventing lunatic theories to explain away their demonic evil, as they’re egged on to heights of hysterical irrationality by scheming leaders who expertly play the keyboard of their emotional disorders to convince them that virtue lies in destructive policies that fill politicians’ pockets with the hard-earned money of better men, at the same time increasing the power of a corrupt government until American freedom is gone and humanity is plunged into a thousand years of darkness before it can even attempt to relight the sacred flame of liberty.
But when you calm down and step back a little, you can begin to see that leftists have some good points too. Some of them wear very attractive socks. And some of their women have pretty names like … Honoria … or Jim.
But if you want to move toward real compromise and unity, I believe it helps to take a serious and objective look at leftist philosophy so you can begin to develop a true understanding of what these toxic dunderheads are prattling on about.
For instance, what does the Left actually believe when it comes to gender? Why do leftist men wear dresses and pretend to have periods? Why won’t leftist women bring you a damn sandwich so you don’t have to keep getting up in the middle of the game? Also, all this child grooming? What’s that about? What are they, perverts?
Well, yes, they are. But also, they have a theory, developed by their greatest academic minds and then written down on a lunch tray with a crayon after they’ve had their meds and it’s nap time in the day room. According to leftist gender theory, there is absolutely no difference between men and women, and men can become women if they feel like women, who are absolutely the same as men, so if they do feel like women, they’re the same as men, and can save money on nail polish. Gay men are men who like other men, who are the same as women, so that gay men are straight. Unless they’re trans, in which case they’re gay women who like other women, who are the same as men, so basically they’re men who like women, and could have just started a family without babbling all that gender theory crap.
What about race? I’m sure you’ve heard many leftists say — Critical Race Theory is not being taught in our schools. And you’ve probably wondered: What is Critical Race Theory, and why do they keep lying about it? Well, Critical Race Theory holds that race is a social construct that doesn’t really exist and it’s all the fault of white people. CRT says that people should be treated equally and should not be forced to adopt white people’s ideas like “people should be treated equally.” Most importantly, critical theorists point out that some dead white people, a social construct that doesn’t exist, used to hold some dead black people, who also didn’t exist, as slaves and so living white people who don’t exist should give living black people who don’t exist money because the dead black people don’t need it and the living black people would like some money.
Finally, there’s the question of abortion. Leftists feel that it’s moral to abort a baby up until the moment of birth because after birth, you can see the baby’s face and can no longer lie to yourself about what you’re doing. They feel abortion is a health decision, although obviously not for the baby. But the baby does not become an actual person until it can dial 9-1-1 and say, “Help, my mother’s trying to kill me.” Before that, it’s just part of a woman’s body. It’s the part that’s a baby, hoping his mother accidentally sits on her phone so he can dial 9-1-1.
Now that you understand leftist theory, I’m sure the next time you see a leftist, you’ll be able to greet him with a smile and a big wave, which hopefully will distract him as you sidle out the door and run for your life.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.