The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
The Biden administration has announced that the U.S. Air Force has shot down a Chinese spy balloon, an unidentified drone, an American Airlines flight to Chicago, a pair of pheasants that should make good eating after the shrapnel from the sidewinder missile is taken out of them, a lawn chair that a guy threw over his backyard fence when his gay neighbor wouldn’t stop playing the official Broadway cast album of Chorus Line over and over again, and what was either an alien craft from another galaxy or a plastic skyrocopter fired out of a toy pistol by an 8-year-old boy playing in his tree house. The 8-year-old boy, who claimed the Air Force should compensate him for the $9.95 he spent on the skyrocopter, was also shot down.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Slappy McHappyFace briefed congress on the military actions, taking time off from designing the Army’s new line of sequined evening gowns which will be made available to any soldiers who want to identify as women and possibly enjoy a dinner out with a powerful yet kindly older man. General McHappyFace told congress, “Whoo-eee, we’re sure having fun now, aren’t we? We’ve blasted so much meaningless crap out of the sky that Montana looks like a parking lot after a flock of geese flies over it. If this doesn’t take people’s minds off that derailed train full of flaming poisoned gas that’s killing half of Ohio, well, by golly, I don’t know what will. Now excuse me, I have to get back to choreographing the Navy’s synchronized high kicks so they can perform the dance number in our new musical drag show extravaganza celebrating the upcoming Chinese conquest of Taiwan.”
Biden Spokeswoman Karine Jean-Identity Hire explained the administration’s actions to what was either a collection of oversized bowling pins with human faces painted on them, or the White House press corps, as always it was difficult to tell which. Miss Jean Identity-Hire said, “Speaking as a lesbian woman of color, I would like, if possible, to string at least one comprehensible sentence together, in this case to explain that President Biden has not in any way changed his policy. Just as last week he allowed a Chinese spy balloon the size of a Greyhound station to traverse the entire continent taking photographs of every secret military installation we have, so this week he’s ordering the military to shoot down everything from a child’s kite to a leaf blowing in the wind. Thus our policy remains exactly what it was: namely frantically doing anything we can think of to distract the media from the fact that the people we’re poisoning in Ohio are the lucky ones, because they won’t live to see the results of the rest of our policies. We want to assure every American that we will continue to waffle between doing nothing and crazily firing missiles at random garbage until Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has fixed the poison train problem in Ohio by hiring more minority construction workers in Baltimore who will help stop climate change by not building anything.”
People in Ohio, while professing to be mildly amused by intelligence officials who twisted the downed Chinese spy balloon into the shape of a gigantic dachshund, also continue to complain about the derailed poison train which is killing half the state. They say they’d like to evacuate the area, but they can’t afford the gasoline they’d need to drive around all the dead cows because of the inflation in gas prices and in dead cows. One enterprising family did try to fly out of the area in a rented Cessna, but was shot down by Air Force pilots who took time off from their Diversity Equity and Inclusion classes to make sure that no Americans would miss out on the opportunity to be killed by government incompetence.
Secretary Buttigieg, meanwhile, defended his inaction in Ohio by pointing out that he doesn’t know anyone in Ohio. In spite of air traffic shutdowns, commercial airline near misses, supply side cockups and a derailed train full of poisoned gas which did I mention is wiping out half of Ohio, Buttigieg continues to claim he has done a better job than any other openly gay Transportation Secretary in American history this week.
Buttigieg took time off from his two year paternity leave to tell reporters, “This is what equity looks like. Just ask Karine Jean-Identity Hire, then explain her answer to me because I can never tell what that blithering idiot is talking about.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.