The decade's most triggering comedy
Dear (name withheld):
I hope you will forgive me for writing you this open letter, which will likely be read by thousands before you open it and realize that it is about you. Given that you have now graduated from UNC-Wilmington, I could not send it to your university email account, which has now been closed. Nor could I have sent you this letter prior to your graduation. Had I done so, you would have surely claimed that the reasoned criticism it contains somehow violates Title IX or some other obscure university policy.
Now that you are out in the real world, I wish to address your conduct toward me when you saw me last fall at the Starbucks on College Road next to the university. As you probably recall, you approached me after seeing the “I Hate Mike Adams” bumper sticker on the back of my computer. You gleefully asked me where you could get one and I told you that I had plenty in my office. When I offered to give you one free of charge, you acted surprised. After you regained your composure, you asked if I was Mike Adams. When I responded in the affirmative, you made it abundantly clear that you oppose my work as a free speech advocate. With no sense of irony, you even asked me why I spend my time engaging in and also defending “hate speech.”
As much as I appreciated your admission that you read my columns and follow my work, I wished you had started reading them earlier. Had you done so, you would have realized that the “I Hate Mike Adams” bumper sticker was a prank initiated by my good friend Jimmy Weaver who now lives in Arizona. After seeing a video of dozens of members of the Amherst communist party protest my speech at UMASS-Amherst, he decided to print up the bumper stickers as a hoax. Specifically, he thought that we could trick future communist protestors into buying them from me without knowing that I would be the one pocketing their money. I told Jimmy that I thought it would not work but he printed off 1000 stickers for me anyway free of charge. Fortunately, I was wrong and Jimmy was right.
Over ten years have elapsed since the UMASS incident and people are still falling for our trick. Of course, it helps that many of my protestors are so stoned you could blindfold them with dental floss. Thus, I have made literally thousands of dollars selling these bumper stickers. I’ve even sold a few hundred tee shirts and used the profits to add to my massive firearm collection. I consider the stunt to have been the ultimate triumph of capitalism over communism. I have been laughing all the way to the bank for over a decade.
You, on the other hand, probably have not laughed for the better part of a decade – or however long it took you to get your degree in English and your minor in Women’s Studies. Your anger toward me was palpable and your use of profanity was extremely embarrassing to me. You owe me an apology, which I know I will never receive. So, at the very least, please listen to my brief rebuttal to the substance of your deeply misguided, though loudly expressed, views on the campus free speech issue.
First and foremost, your stated claim that white males (due to white privilege) are the only people that have free speech rights was utterly delusional. In point of fact, the vast majority of cases on our campus where students have been prosecuted under an unconstitutional speech code have involved white males. This is despite the fact that males are a numerical minority on our campus. In fact, they have long been outnumbered at UNCW. Yet campus censors disproportionately target them. In fact, I challenge you to provide a single example of a progressive feminist like yourself who has ever faced a campus tribunal for engaging in constitutionally protected speech. One must be suffering from a chronic intellectual hernia in order to maintain the fiction that smug feminists such as you are oppressed and somehow lacking in free speech rights.
Secondly, while shouting profanity and thus proving my previous point, you asserted that there is an epidemic of so-called hate speech on our campus. With raised voice, you asserted that men should not be allowed to call women “c*nts” and whites should not be able to call blacks “n***ers” at UNCW. For the record, nearly everyone in Starbucks was staring at you in shock while you shouted these words at me in public. I was not so shocked because I have previously seen The Vagina Monologues. Thus, I know that there is no genuine feminist concern about so-called hate speech. Feminists use lewd misogynistic terms with regularity and only pretend to be offended when someone else uses them. But, for the record, no one else in our university community is actually inclined toward using the c-word.
The same thing can be said of the n-word. The only time I have ever used it is when quoting unhinged leftists like you. And the only time I have ever heard the word spoken or seen the word written on our campus is when your fellow leftists painted it on the spirit rock a couple of years ago during an event meant to raise awareness of racism. Thankfully, the leftists painted over it a few minutes later in an act meant to symbolize opposition to hate speech. It made about as much sense as dumping trash on the lawn and then picking it up in order to show your commitment to the environment. But, to state the obvious, leftists are not really opposed to hate speech as a matter of principle. You proved that when you approached me asking for a sticker expressing your hatred of me – not even suspecting it was a joke.
On your way out of the Starbucks, in a fitting conclusion to your tirade, you charged through the door and shouted, “I hope you have a nice life.” I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I am listening to you. I am having a nice life. I get paid for every sticker I sell, every column I write, and every speech I give. To date, I have made a very sizable supplemental income shedding light on the chronic hypocrisy of progressives like you.
So please feel free to step out of your safe space and accost me in public again soon. I am always willing to capitalize on your emotional instability and intellectual incoherence. There is always room in my gun safe for a little more ammunition.