Well, folks, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I always try to be honest with you and the truth is: something terrible has happened. Elon Musk has become a trillionaire, so now … everything is ruined.
It seems like only a week ago, when Musk was just worth $900 billion and life was great in this country. I had a beautiful wife. A couple of wonderful kids. Now … I look at my family and, sure, I still love them and all, but not like I’d love a trillion dollars. I mean, that’s a lot of money! But I don’t have it and Elon Musk does, so … everything is ruined.
It’s just like they said on the socialist website Left Voice — “A trillionaire Elon Musk is a morbid symptom of capitalism.” That’s right. Capitalism simply isn’t fair. After all, the Soviet Union had socialism for 70 years and ended up with nothing. Musk shows up in a capitalist country with $2,000 just 37 years ago, and now he’s a trillionaire so … everything is ruined.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/the-andrew-klavan-show-ep-1283?contentProgram=The%20Andrew%20Klavan%20Show&amp;contentType=ShowEpisode&amp;elementPosition=2&amp;location=Home%20Tab&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Home%20Featured%20Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="alignnone wp-image-974735 size-large" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez was obviously right too when she said, &#8220;You can’t earn that much money&#8221; just by creating Tesla with its new energy storage systems, and Starlink, with its worldwide network of satellite connections or Neuralink, which gives paralyzed people the ability to use computers with their minds and SpaceX with its rocket ships that go into space and then come down and land safely on a platform the size of an inner tube so they can be used again and ultimately take mankind to Mars. You can’t earn that much money just by doing those things. Musk must have cheated his employees, by forcing them to work for low wages and stock options that have now made 4,500 of those employees millionaires themselves. And, okay, that might make them happy now, but wait till they find out they only have a lousy million bucks while Musk is a trillionaire so … everything is ruined.
To give credit where credit is due, a lot of politicians tried to stop this from happening. Senator Elizabeth Warren did a tribal dance to the Great Spirit of Sun and Sky who lives on Mackinac Island. Warren asked the Great Spirit of Sun and Sky to stop the fork-tongued white man from taking all that money like the whites took the land that belonged to Elizabeth Warren’s Native American ancestors. Unfortunately, the Great Spirit of Sun and Sky just looked down from Mackinac Island and said, “Whoever told that white girl she could dance?” Then he handed out cards good for a free gin and tonic at his new Sun and Sky Casino on Mackinac Island, and before we knew it, Musk was a trillionaire and … everything was ruined.
And just think what good we could have done with all that money if Musk hadn’t taken it. There are almost 800,000 homeless people in America. If Musk just divided his wealth among them, each and every homeless person could be smoking meth through a rolled hundred thousand dollar bill and talking to Venutians using a helmet made out of genuine tinfoil.
Even if Musk just gave away enough money to help one location, that would be something. For instance, there are 70,000 homeless people in the tent cities of Los Angeles alone. If Musk just gave $1 billion to the public officials there, I bet within a month, there would be some very happy public officials driving their Ferraris past the tent cities of Los Angeles. Instead, Elon Musk is a trillionaire and … everything is ruined.
Let’s face it. A trillion dollars in the hands of one individual just gives that individual too much power. With that much money, Elon Musk could come over my house and order me to do whatever he wanted, and I would have to do it, unless I didn’t want to, then I wouldn’t have to do it. Still, it would be really annoying to have Elon Musk coming to my house shouting orders at me all the time. What the hell is his problem?
Anyway, that’s the bad news. Everything is ruined. The good news is we’re going to Mars.

Elon Musk

Everything Was Fine Until Elon Musk Became A Trillionaire

Democrats

Money

Satire

Eric Swalwell has ended his campaign for California governor and resigned from Congress, saying he wants to spend more time with his family, a drunken staffer, and the woman he has imprisoned in the oubliette in his basement. Swalwell made his decision after several women accused him of doing what everyone knew he was doing but no one said he was doing until it turned out his crappy gubernatorial campaign might get a Republican elected in California.
Swalwell said the charges that he pestered, assaulted and even raped women were as untrue as the charges Swalwell himself leveled against Brett Kavanaugh, if you didn’t count all the women Swalwell pestered, assaulted and raped. In a statement Swalwell issued while simultaneously attempting to keep a straight face, the former congressman said: “I want to declare categorically that I never had non-consensual sex with a Chinese spy and when I did have sex with a Chinese spy, I not only had her consent but the consent of the entire Chinese Communist Party. Even then, I never once shared with her any of the classified information I was privy to on the House Intelligence Committee, except a few times when I might have shouted out the occasional tidbit in the throes of ecstasy, which could have happened to anyone because the Chinese teach their spies to do some amazing, amazing stuff in the sack. As for the other women I forced myself on, those assaults were totally consensual. And sure, some of those babes might have been drunk at the time, but it’s not my fault if they can’t hold their roofies.”
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1275-dumb-dumber-and-progressive?contentProgram=The%20Andrew%20Klavan%20Show&amp;contentType=ShowEpisode&amp;elementPosition=2&amp;location=Home%20Tab&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Home%20Featured%20Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Swalwell is also accused of sending women pictures of his penis in the belief that somewhere in our infinite multiverse with its numberless versions of reality, there exists an alternate timeline which includes a woman who wants to see a picture of Eric Swalwell’s penis, a belief that turned out to be entirely untrue.
Swalwell’s fellow Democrats said they were absolutely shocked to find out he had been doing what they knew he’d been doing, and said they would have spoken out earlier had they known what they obviously knew. Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, for instance, said, “If I had for one moment suspected what I was absolutely sure of, I would never have allowed Swalwell to remain on the Intelligence Committee while he was clearly banging a Chinese spy.” Pelosi then vanished, as her entire body was subsumed by the bottomless moral emptiness within her, but Democrats said they nonetheless hoped to convince her to run for re-election.
Other leftist hacks were also stunned to learn what they already knew. For instance, the New York Times, a former newspaper, ran an editorial that said, “It is long past time that we as a society learned to believe all women who were too drunk to remember what actually happened, and then went for years pretending it hadn’t happened, and then said it happened but were too drunk to remember what it was. Swalwell is a married man, and this paper feels it is wrong to commit adultery when your crappy gubernatorial campaign might get a Republican elected. Otherwise, of course, we recommend adultery as a fun way to freshen up your marriage, until not only your family but hopefully the American family as an institution falls to pieces, leading to the collapse of liberty, which would allow wise elites like ourselves to impose a socialist paradise or at least kill anyone who says it’s not a paradise, which amounts to the same thing.”
Feminists also attacked Swalwell. Stanford Professor of Advanced Hostility Susan Shrike, author of the bestselling feminist tract “I Almost Hate You More Than Myself,” spoke to reporters in an ear-splitting skirl of inhuman sound, saying, “The worst aspect of Swalwell’s behavior is that he makes it seem as if feminists should not have supported a sexual revolution that denied the procreative purpose of sex and its accompanying moral restrictions. That would mean feminists were wrong about everything, and we feminists don’t believe that because we’re wrong about everything. And while we’re on the subject of Eric Swalwell, where’s that picture of his penis he promised me?”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.

FBI Director Kash Patel Testifies In Hearings On Capitol Hill

Democrats Shocked Over Swalwell ‘Surprise Party’ They RSVP’d To Years Ago

Democrats Shocked Over Swalwell 'Surprise Party' They RSVP’d To Years Ago

Andrew Klavan

California

Congress

Eric Swalwell

Humor

MeToo

Sexual Harassment

You know, many people ask me to explain how to be a Christian. Well, not many people. Maybe, like, three or four. It’s hard to count them because they’re invisible. But whenever some lost soul begs me to point the way toward the light of God’s love, I always take time out of my busy schedule and say to them, “Of course. That’ll be twenty-five dollars.” A man’s gotta eat.
There are many misconceptions about the experience of Christian faith. Even an honest seeker can lose his way and begin to believe that Christianity is just a matter of establishing a relationship with a loving God who sacrificed his own son to win forgiveness for his sinful creation and wants nothing more from you but that you turn from your destructive desires and live into His image to find peace and joy and eternal life. But that’s absurd. It’s difficult and you miss all the fun.
Instead, you must turn your eyes to the Lord’s eternal dwelling place: social media. There, you’ll find to your delight that the moment you accept Christ into your heart, you instantly receive the power to tell other people that they’re doing it wrong. When Jesus said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” he didn’t mean, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” He meant, “Hey, tell that stupid schmuck over there I am sending him to hell if he doesn’t shut his fat face right now.” Of course, those of you who are only just starting on your Christian journey, might wonder, “Why did our savior say the exact opposite of what he meant?” But as you grow in social media faith, you’ll understand: it’s because our blessed Lord was a Jew, and you just can’t trust those people.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1274-the-andrew-klavan-show?elementPosition=2&amp;row=5&amp;rowHeadline=Latest+Episodes&amp;rowType=Horizontal+Show+Episodes+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Also, when you become a Christian, you’ll develop the ability to see things no one else can see, almost as if you were a prophet or a schizophrenic or a CNN anchorwoman. To explore this ability, social-media-Christian Tucker Carlson recently interviewed an exorcist, Father Brendan O’Paguey. 
Here’s a brief portion of the transcript:
<blockquote>Father O: In order to cast out demons, you must first be able to discern the presence of evil.
Tucker: Your mother has sex with animals in hell. Look, my head spins 360 degrees. Fall down and worship me.
Father O: You must learn to look for small, subtle signs of demonic influence.
Tucker: Behold, I levitate and spider walk across the ceiling. I am legion. Abandon the Holy One and despair.
Father O: Next, you must learn to speak Syriac …</blockquote>
Well, the full interview is available online, but you get the idea.
But religion isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes you have to make an effort. For instance, to be a good Christian, it’s essential that you marshal your will power to overcome your sense of humor. Knowing Christ can make your heart light with celestial joy and cause you to laugh even amidst the corruption of a fallen world. You don’t want that. Non-Christians might see it and start to join in. Then we’d have to live with them forever in heaven, and I hate those people.
Fortunately, once you’ve stripped yourself of any propensity for laughter, all self-awareness will also melt away and you’ll at last be prepared for the pious act of pretending to believe absolute nonsense in the name of God. For example, when the Bible says “Do not mistreat the immigrant among you,” you can pretend that means, “Allow 20-million illegal crap-heads to exploit your tolerance, sack your coffers, and rape and murder your women.” Or you can pretend that when Jesus says, “Love your neighbor,” he means “Sexually mutilate your children so they can delight in being the gender of their choice right up until the moment they commit suicide.” And okay, pretending to believe such things may not win sinners eternal life, but it could get professors tenure, which is almost the same thing.
Now some of you may be asking yourself, “Gee, where in the Bible does it say Christ’s titanic liberating sacrifice is supposed to turn us into humorless, pious scolds who pretend to believe complete nonsense?” But it’s right there in John 11:35, where it says: “Jesus wept.”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.

Online klavan

When People Ask Me How To Be A Christian Online, Here’s What I Say

Christianity

Religion

Tucker Carlson

I don’t usually bother with celebrity news because I like to think my audience is too smart and sophisticated for that. But of course, that’s ridiculous. I mean, look at you. So today, we’re going to catch up on the shenanigans of the famous, rich, and powerful, because it’s degrading and wastes precious moments of our lives, and that’s what <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/hosts/andrew-klavan?elementPosition=6&amp;row=1&amp;rowHeadline=Hosts&amp;rowType=Hosts+Portrait+Carousel">The Andrew Klavan Show</a> is all about.
So let’s get started.
According to the Daily Mail, Byron Noem, the husband of former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem, has been secretly posting pictures of himself online wearing women’s hot pink underwear and enormous fake breasts. Kristi Noem said she was absolutely devastated to discover her husband was a Democrat, but she did feel that this might explain how she could sleep with Corey Lewandowski and consider it an upgrade. President Trump said he felt sorry for the Noem family, although he congratulated Byron on having such a nice rack.
Champion philanderer Tiger Woods, while apparently under the influence of drugs and alcohol, rolled his car over, after clipping a truck. Woods told police his life was full of so much sex and success and money that only abusing substances could keep him from sinking into despair. He was charged with three counts of driving while being an ungrateful schmuck.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/hosts/andrew-klavan?elementPosition=6&amp;row=1&amp;rowHeadline=Hosts&amp;rowType=Hosts+Portrait+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Shapely, semi-attractive Australian actress Milly Alcock has been cast to star in the $300 million DC studio film &#8220;Supergirl.&#8221; Alcock told Vanity Fair that the role “definitely made me aware that simply existing as a woman in that space is something that people comment on. We have become very comfortable having this weird ownership of women’s bodies.” 
The comment won Alcock the coveted Rachel Zegler award — a bronze statuette of a mouth without a brain attached, that is given to the shapely, semi-attractive actress most likely to tank a studio’s investment while under the delusion that people want to hear her opinions. Medical experts say this delusion is often brought on by men telling women they are interested in their opinions and women thinking that means men are interested in their opinions.
Robert De Niro, Bruce Springsteen and Jane Fonda were among the thousands of doddering old white people who shuffled out to the latest &#8220;No Kings&#8221; rallies, which must’ve been held to celebrate the fact that we have no kings, because otherwise they just don’t make any sense. De Niro and Springsteen got together to reminisce about how they made millions of dollars by simply saying a meaningless phrase over and over again, like “You talking to me?” or “Born in the USA.” Springsteen said he could not believe that Boomers had been gullible enough to pay them for doing something so monotonous, but it gave him hope that Boomers might also be stupid enough to take the &#8220;No Kings&#8221; rallies seriously.
Black, gay, transgender actor Billy Porter was also at a &#8220;No Kings&#8221; rally, where he complained that black, gay, transgender actors are having a hard time finding work because — Donald Trump. Personally, I find this story kind of confusing. I mean, if you’re transgender and gay, isn’t that the same as being straight? Like, Billy Porter is a man who thinks he’s a woman, but he’s gay, so he’s a woman attracted to other women, so he’s really just a man who’s attracted to women. In which case, it seems possible the reason Billy Porter can’t find work isn’t because Donald Trump but because Billy Porter is an irritating no-talent.
Finally, Lindsey Graham and the rest of the Senate got to go on vacation to rest up after grueling weeks of doing absolutely nothing. Graham was later photographed wandering around Disney World’s Fantasyland with a Little Mermaid Bubble Wand. Lest anyone get the impression Graham is a sad old queen who wanders around Fantasyland with a bubble wand, the senator immediately issued a macho photograph of himself firing a shotgun. The Little Mermaid’s slug-riddled body was subsequently found in a pool of her own bubbles.
Fantasyland Police are still searching for Graham and, in fact, for the rest of the Senate, hoping to bring them back to Washington D.C. where they can pass intelligent, useful legislation. Because this is Fantasyland.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.

Klavan springsteen de niro

Celebrity Culture Just Handed Us A Few More Reasons To Roll Our Eyes

Bruce Springsteen

Celebrities

Moon

NASA

Outer Space

Protests

Robert de Niro

Space

We have, in this recess of the United States Senate, been gifted an extraordinary vision of perfection, the apex example of a social phenomenon long observed but rarely embodied with such an apotheosis of type: The Sad Childless Disney Adult, as <a href="https://www.tmz.com/2026/03/30/lindsey-graham-enjoys-disney-ride-during-government-shutdown/">embodied</a> in the person of one Lindsey Graham.
The longtime strongman ruler of South Carolina politics — peace be upon him — decided upon dismissal from the swamps of D.C. and the uncomfortable couches of many a green room to take respite from long days of agitating for wars and causing international kerfuffles to indulge in the joys of what is, for his money, the best kingdom of them all, the Magic one, where birds sing, princesses flit, and bubble wands can be purchased on every corner. Make sure you get the ones that let you replace the batteries — you don&#8217;t want them to run out when you take them home.
(They have not yet committed to sending arms to battle the Houthis, but he has a co-del meeting with Buzz Lightyear later to run that down.)
The things you must know about navigating Disney as a childless adult is that you are their ideal customer: trapped by nostalgia, burdened with a crippling lack of childhood maturation, and desperate for figures who can fill the obvious and manifold emotional gaps in your life. So, in the absence of the figures who contribute to a healthy life, one turns to that old comfortable friend, the fellow with an ear to lend and a &#8220;ha HA!&#8221; to give: M-I-C, K-E-Y — he&#8217;s always there for you with a hug and a waffle shaped like his head. No judgment here, just a land where wishes come true.
<div id="attachment_1069163" style="width: 777px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-1069163" class="size-large wp-image-1069163" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2026/03/Disney-tmz-767x576.jpg" alt="Credit: TMZ" width="767" height="576" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2026/03/Disney-tmz-767x576.jpg 767w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2026/03/Disney-tmz-300x225.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2026/03/Disney-tmz-768x577.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2026/03/Disney-tmz.jpg 977w" sizes=" (max-width: 767px) 100vw, 767px" />Credit: TMZ</div>
The other thing you must know is that you have to download the app to skip the lines, because damn if those &#8220;affordability&#8221; people don&#8217;t have a point about how much it costs to be a dedicated Disney adult in the land of lines and upsells. Though, in fairness, the filet mignon at <a href="https://disneyworld.disney.go.com/dining/magic-kingdom/cinderella-royal-table/menus/dinner/">Cinderella&#8217;s Royal Table</a> is the best steak you&#8217;ll ever have. And don&#8217;t sleep on the Floating Island, it has strawberry meringue. Delectable!
You&#8217;re in cycle? There&#8217;s a co-del? There&#8217;s a primary? Who cares, that&#8217;s not important. This is a personal wellness journey, holding space for the future we are manifesting. The problems of tomorrow disappear when you&#8217;re in this special place. Oh look, it&#8217;s Space Mountain! We went to space, we&#8217;ll do it again — we&#8217;re America, dammit.
People complain too much. Iran is fine. TSA will get paid. Gas prices are a distraction. The important thing is there is a live performance coming up soon, and picking between which character you want a selfie with is always the hardest part. Wish Lindsey luck!

LG_Disney

Meet Senator Lindsey Graham, The Saddest Disney Adult

Disney World

Lindsey Graham

Opinion

U.S. Senate

You know, I’m old enough to remember a kinder, gentler America, with safe suburban streets of well-kept houses where a kid could go out on his bike after school and not return until sunset around six years later after which he would just sit silently in a corner of the house staring into the middle distance and occasionally pulling the legs off a spider or a mouse or maybe his kid sister while dreaming of the day he’d be free to hunt and kill at will… or maybe that was just me.
But in any case, today’s America is so hostile and so divided, that I just wish we could find a way to build bridges of communication and even friendship between conservatives and the flaming dirtbags trying to destroy everything that good people hold dear.
It’s not that all progressives are sinister Communist authoritarian perverts looking to bring the nation to its knees by allying themselves with Islamist terrorists and illegal immigrant gangsters in order to reduce our civilization to ashes then seize power in the ensuing chaos so they can enchain us in yet another of their drab utopias where everyone is equally miserable except for the small cadre of bitter lowlifes who derive some small pleasure from imposing their own unhappiness on everyone else — well, okay it is that, but it’s also the smug look on the faces of these schmucks that just makes you want to squeeze their noses between the knuckles of your first two fingers and twist them like Moe used to do to Curly on “The Three Stooges,” except not playing around this time.
But as Christians, we have to remember that Jesus told us to love our enemies and, sure, a lot of good that did him, but still, it’s up to us to try to understand those of our fellow citizens whose deeply-held principles lead them to oppose anything that even smells remotely like common decency.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1272-the-andrew-klavan-show?elementPosition=0&amp;row=0&amp;rowHeadline=Recent+Episodes&amp;rowType=Horizontal+Show+Episodes+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
For instance, take Ilhan Omar. Here’s a woman who escaped the violence of civil war in the primitive hellhole called Somalia, an African word that means “please get me out of this primitive hellhole.” By the grace of a loving God who clearly just wasn’t paying attention that day, Omar’s family was granted asylum here in the United States, where she then rose to become a congresswoman in the corruption-riddled filth-pit of Minnesota, an Indian word that means, “Please get me out of this corruption-riddled filth-pit.”
Surely, such a woman must feel deep gratitude to a country so welcoming and generous and self-destructive.
And yet the other day, Congresswoman Omar said she was “incredibly proud” of her daughter Isra for traveling with other assorted snot-faced idiots to the Communist cesspool called Cuba, a Spanish word meaning, “Please get me out of this Communist cesspool.” The luxurious Cuban junket was intended, Omar said, to show solidarity with Cuba against the United States because the U.S. is cruelly attempting to free the Cubans from Communist cess-poolery. Omar went on to call her daughter a “brilliant young leader,” presumably referring to Isra’s arrest for demonstrating at Columbia University in support of the Iranian-funded rapist-murderers called Hamas, and also to the t-shirt Isra wore to Cuba celebrating the George Floyd-inspired burning of Minneapolis, an Indian word that means, “Please get me out of Minneapolis.”
So, in an attempt to build bridges of friendship with the congresswoman, I wrote her a polite email, saying, “Dear Communist terrorist witch-demon, shouldn’t you show more gratitude to the country that rescued you from a hellhole and elected you to Congress in a filth-pit?”
To give credit where credit is due, Congresswoman Omar did reply promptly, writing, “Your Islamophobia is not who we are as Americans. Who we are as Americans are people who allow a Somalian grifter to play us for suckers while she’s simultaneously plotting to crush us under the iron heel of Islamist Communism. That’s who we are as Americans, if by ‘we’ I mean you.”
So there it is, my friends, we really can learn to communicate with those on the other side of the political aisle. Just remember to wear a steel-tipped boot and aim for the ass.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

President Trump Delivers The State Of The Union Address

Yes, We Can Learn To Communicate Across The Political Aisle. Here’s How.

Cuba

Ilhan Omar

Republicans

According to the New York Times, a former newspaper, American forces are in deep trouble in Iran as the wily Iranians continue to attack our bombs with their leaders. According to the Times Middle East Bureau Chief, Omar Jihad Mohammed Jihad Jihad Mohammed, wave after wave of American bomb and missile attacks have been repelled by an Iron Dome of Iranian leaders, so that the weapons explode harmlessly against their bodies, destroying nothing but the Iranian Army, Air Force, Navy, missiles, drones, radar and, of course, the Iranian leaders, who are more than willing to sacrifice their lives to protect those Iranian people they haven’t yet murdered themselves.
In an exclusive interview at an undisclosed location, the New York Times’s Middle East reporter Omar Jihad Mohammed Fatwa Mohammed interviewed Iran’s Chief of Police Fatwa Mohammed Jihad Omar Mamdani, who said, “We have the Americans exactly where we want them since…” and while he was unable to finish his sentence because he was assassinated by Israeli Defense Forces, he was immediately replaced by his younger subordinate Allahu Akbar Mohammed Tucker Jihad Jihad Mohammed, who said, “As my predecessor was about to explain…” but he was unable to finish his sentence because he was assassinated by Israeli Defense Forces.
According to either Iranian officials or CNN reporters — it’s difficult to tell the difference — Iran continues to stymie American attacks so that the only thing keeping the American war effort alive is the fact that the French have refused to join the fight, so there’s no one who’ll surrender for us.
And now, the Iranians have achieved a “stunning moral victory,” according to CNN Chief Middle East Correspondent Vladimir Mohammed Jihad Death-to-America Carlson Mohammed Fatwa. In a move reflecting the enduring strength of the Iranian regime, the nation has replaced the fifteen levels of leadership who were wiped out by American and Israeli attacks by appointing as their new Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei, a one-legged homosexual who’s in a coma.
President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Mohammed Jinping Fatwa Bernie Sanders Jihad celebrated the appointment of Khamenei, saying, “This is a tremendous leap forward for Iranian Diversity Equity and Inclusion. By selecting an unconscious handicapped gay man to ruthlessly oppress their people, Iran has installed an Ayatollah who looks exactly like the sort of person for whom Hollywood has been making movies. We hope this will encourage more people to become one-legged comatose homosexuals so we can begin to fill up our theaters. Otherwise, there’ll be no one there to see it when Nicole Kidman finally manages to move her face again.”
American branches of the organization Queers for Palestine also celebrated the appointment of the gay Ayatollah, with queer house parties across the nation at which they honored Islamic tradition by climbing up to the rooftops and hurling themselves to their deaths. As Queer for Palestine leader Anatole Preposterous announced to his fellow queers, “Iran has struck a blow against the homophobic splat,” although I’m not sure if that was the last word in the sentence or just the sound he made when he hit the pavement.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/hosts/andrew-klavan?elementPosition=6&amp;row=2&amp;rowHeadline=Hosts&amp;rowType=Hosts+Portrait+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
The organization Feminists for Palestine was also pleased by the Ayatollah’s appointment. FFP President Sally Ann Preposterous (no relation), said, “Although we’re disappointed Iran has not yet elevated a woman to leadership, as feminists, we feel that a homosexual in a coma will at least represent people who hate women without thinking, which is what feminism is all about.”
As for the new Ayatollah, though he has not yet been able to issue a statement of his own, the regime has released some of the old messages he posted on the website Sleeping-Gay-Amputees-dot-Com, which include such remarks as, “Must have good sense of humor,” and “If you like my picture, swipe right.”
Meanwhile, according to PBS Middle East Reporter Mohammed Mamdani Jihad Tucker Tucker Fatwa Jihad, Global financial markets continue to reel at the plucky Iranian attacks on the Strait of Hormuz. PBS interviewed surviving Iranian Naval Commander Mohammed Jihad Fuentes Fatwa Carlson, who said, “We will continue to attack shipping here until…,” but he was unable to finish his sentence because he was assassinated by Israeli Defense Forces.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

TOPSHOT-IRAN-DEFENCE

Iranian Leaders: We Have The Americans Exactly Where We Want Them

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei

Bernie Sanders

Iran

Israel Defense Forces (IDF)

Middle East

Welcome to this week’s episode of “What is John Thune Doin’?” This is the show where we try to answer the questions, “Who is John Thune?” and “What is he doin’?”
To answer the first question first: John Thune, a Republican Senator, is the Senate Majority Leader. Now, those of you who aren’t familiar with how our government works may want to know: What does the American Senate do exactly? And the answer is: the American Senate does exactly nothing.
And you may say: “Well, if John Thune is the Senate Majority Leader and the Senate does nothing, then what is John Thune … doin’?”
Good question. That’s why we’re here.
To get to the bottom of this, our reporters met with John Thune for an hour-long interview. Unfortunately, shortly after the interview ended, they realized they hadn’t actually been talking to John Thune, but had instead interviewed the statue of Senator John Clayton in the Capitol Rotunda. In their defense, the statue just stands around all day, so it was an easy mistake to make.
Undeterred, our reporters proceeded to go to John Thune’s office, but accidentally ended up in a dark broom closet. There, they began to interview a mop, until they realized that couldn’t be John Thune, because a mop is actually good for something. Like, if your kid spills his juice on the floor, you can clean it up with a mop. Which is actually pretty useful. So definitely not John Thune.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1270-when-will-it-ever-end?elementPosition=0&amp;row=0&amp;rowHeadline=Recent+Episodes&amp;rowType=Horizontal+Show+Episodes+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
But here at the Daily Wire, we don’t stop searching just because we can’t find the answers. In fact, we don’t even stop talking when we can’t find the answers. In spite of all our setbacks, we were determined to learn: What is John Thune doin’?
To help us in our search, we developed this handy Q and A.
Q: What is John Thune doin’? 
A: Well, that’s what we’re trying to find out.
Q: But hasn’t President Trump asked John Thune to pass the SAVE America Act, which requires voters to have a picture ID?
A: Yes, he has. 
Q: And doesn’t the SAVE America Act have the support of, like, a million percent of Americans?
A: Give or take a few percentage points, yes, it does.
Q: So… What is John Thune doin’?
A: You keep asking me that. Look, to be fair, there are some controversial parts of the SAVE Act. For instance, it bans transgender surgery on minors. This is a very divisive issue because, while 100% of Americans understand that sexually mutilating children is a Nazi-level atrocity, as many as 37% believe that pretending it’s okay makes them seem nice. Likewise, while 71% of Democrat voters support requiring voter ID, 98% of Democrat politicians oppose it, because, as Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer has said, “The Democrat party is a criminal organization in which all the criminals are obviously crazy, so if we can’t cheat at the polls, we’ll never win another election.”
Q: Wait. Chuck Schumer actually said that?
A: Maybe that was a dream I had. I’m not sure.
Q: So if the SAVE Act is so popular, why can’t John Thune get it passed?
A: Because under the filibuster rule, he needs 60 votes, and the Democrats won’t budge because of what Chuck Schumer said in my dream.
Q: So why doesn’t John Thune get rid of the filibuster?
A: Ah, because without the filibuster, when the Democrats win back power, they’ll pack the Supreme Court and steal elections by making Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico into states.
Q: What will the Democrats do if they win back power with the filibuster in place?
A: Then they’ll get rid of the filibuster, pack the Supreme Court, and steal elections by making Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico into states.
Q: So… what is John Thune even doin’?
A: All right, this Q and A isn’t getting us anywhere. To get at the essential nature of John Thune, we’re just going to have to interview another statue. Really, any random piece of marble will do. Or just a rock lying around somewhere. Even an empty space. Personally, I’d be happy to interview an empty space, if only I could find John Thune.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

John Thune 3/03/26

Does Anyone Know What John Thune Actually Does?

John Thune

SAVE America Act

U.S. Capitol

Well, by now you’ve all heard the news. Shortly after the recent American bombing of Iran began, Secretary of State Marco Rubio came running into the Oval Office to tell President Trump: “The Ayatollah has been hit by Israeli missiles.”
President Trump said, “Khamenei?”
And Rubio said, “About five or six.”
So ended the life of the Supreme Leader of Iran. The Washington Post immediately ran an obituary for him that stated, and I quote, “With his bushy white beard and easy smile, Ayatollah Khamenei cut an avuncular figure… He was known to be fond of Persian poetry and classic Western novels, especially Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Oh, Klavan, you marvelous, merry-making merchant of mirth, what a sparkling comedic imagination you must have to dream up a fantastical and absurd newspaper that would stock its obituary of a monster of mass murder and oppression with a description of his avuncular figure and sophisticated literary tastes. 
You must be saying: Oh, how we held our bellies and laughed hardy-har-har when you pretended that a well-respected journalistic institution like the Washington Post, which only recently fired 300 of the 800 people working in their newsroom, would nonetheless have kept on staff the sort of human-shaped but worm-souled font of scatological moral corruption who would spew such flattery at the corpse of a man who murdered tens of thousands of his own citizens, not to mention thousands of Americans. 
You’re probably thinking: Oh, Bravo and Five stars, you Klavan of Klavans, for inventing an implausible yet biting political satire of the Post worthy of Juvenal himself, if Juvenal had allowed his imagination to run amok, making him a Juvenal delinquent, ha ha ha.
But no, I am not making this up.
The Washington Post, where democracy dies in an ethical darkness so complete that even the fires of hell would be a welcome source of illumination, actually honored the Ayatollah with a description of his bushy white beard and avuncular smile that might have made their readers think, Oh no, now that the Ayatollah is dead, who will fly around the world on Christmas Eve to deliver toys to all the good little children?
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/hosts/andrew-klavan?elementPosition=6&amp;row=2&amp;rowHeadline=Hosts&amp;rowType=Hosts+Portrait+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
And the Washington Post was not the only outlet that lamented the death of a tyrant whose personality was, in fact, greatly improved by his being blown to smithereens. Tucker Carlson was outraged that a man he called “the Pope of Shia Islam” had been killed by Jews, those wascals. After all, why are we making an alliance with wascally Jews, when we could be friends with an actual Pope like the Ayatollah?  What have the Jews ever contributed to society besides the Old and New Testaments, modern physics, the great old Hollywood that spread American values around the world, countless technological and medical breakthroughs, including a cure for polio, and all the really good Christmas Carols? 
Tucker was especially angry that Donald Trump had celebrated the death of Pope Ayatollah. Trump claimed the Santa-like Shiite Pope had tried to have him assassinated. But no. Carlson, citing anonymous sources close to Candace Owens’s imagination, revealed for the first time that the intelligence proving the Shiite Pope had tried to kill our president was unreliable because it had come from Israel, if by Israel you mean the FBI, where maybe the I stands for Israel, I’m not really sure.
But really, many prominent Jews have also come out against the killing of Khamenei, including Chuck Schumer and Bill Kristol, who were strongly in favor of killing Khamenei until Donald Trump actually helped do it, whereupon they changed their minds so fast that their brains ricocheted off the inside of their heads and flew out their ears, leaving them so brainless that they were reduced to being Chuck Schumer and Bill Kristol.
But you know, maybe these people have a point. As good Christians, we should restrain our celebratory guffaws at the admittedly hilarious image of the Ayatollah being particlized by his Israeli enemies, and only emit those occasional snorts or snickers that we find impossible to suppress as we wag our fingers at the Israeli Air Force and sternly say to them, “Boo-yah, you friends of humankind!”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Santa Claus Aya

The Washington Post Writes A Christmas Card To The Ayatollah

Donald Trump

Santa Claus

Washington Post

You know, between the rapid pace of news events these days and the ubiquitous proliferation of media outlets, it’s very easy to get so overwhelmed with information that you lose your focus and let your mind drift to meaningless side issues like whether if you continually rewind &#8220;The Housemaid&#8221; so you can watch the Sydney Sweeney sex scene over and over, it will somehow show up on the feed so your wife will find out when she goes to watch one of those movies she likes where none of the women even takes her shirt off so what the hell’s the point.
I’m sorry. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you can lose your focus — and not even realize that you don’t really understand the issues in play. So now and again, we here at the Daily Wire like to take a moment to try to explain to you some of the important subjects that we ourselves know absolutely nothing about.
For instance, President Trump says the economy is doing great, but polls show that many people disagree. So today we want to try to unpack the principles of economics so you can answer basic questions, like who’s right, who’s wrong, how the hell should I know, and why can’t you people just leave me alone?
Economics is a science, like pinball or craps. The word comes from the Greek root “omics,” meaning “something you read in the newspaper that is so ridiculous it makes you laugh.” That’s the same root that gives us words like “comics,” and “New York Times opinionomics.”
Now, here at The Andrew Klavan Show, we know that some people in our audience are functionally illiterate, but the rest of our audience can only aspire to being functionally illiterate, so in order to explain the principles of economics in the simplest possible way, we’re going to take you through an ordinary day in the life of an economist.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1268-the-andrew-klavan-show?elementPosition=1&amp;row=6&amp;rowHeadline=Latest+Episodes&amp;rowType=Horizontal+Show+Episodes+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Ordinary economist Wolfgang Startle wakes up a little after 6:00 AM. He opens the shades in time to see the sun cresting the eastern horizon. “Oh my God,” says Wolfgang Startle, “what the hell is that?”
“That’s the sun coming up in the morning,” says Mrs. Startle.
“Wow,” says Wolfgang. “That’s surprising. Yesterday, I predicted that artificial intelligence would cause the moon to turn to blood while the sun refused to shine. So this development is very unexpected.” 
Soon after, Mrs. Startle puts breakfast on the table. “Whoa!” cries Wolfgang Startle. “Are these fried eggs? I did not see that coming.”
“But I make you fried eggs every morning,” says Mrs. Startle.
“Yes,” says Wolfgang. “But last week, I predicted that Donald Trump’s tariffs would drive the price of eggs up way beyond what we can afford, so this is completely unexpected.”
An hour later, Wolfgang Startle arrives at work at the Wall Street Journal, where he’s greeted by his editor, Hyman Panic. “I’m sorry, Wolfgang,” Panic says. “I’m going to have to let you go, because every single prediction you make turns out to be wrong.”
“Well, this comes totally out of the blue for me,“ says Wolfgang Startle. “I predicted that Trump’s anti-immigration policies would cause a minor rise in unemployment&#8230; for some reason&#8230; but now my unemployment is unexpectedly at 100%.”
And just wait till you see how startled Wolfgang Startle is when he gets home, because he did not predict that Mrs. Startle would unexpectedly run off with the guy who writes the horoscope pages for the New York Post, after she discovered that his predictions were more accurate than Wolfgang’s, so he still has a job.
I hope this glimpse into the daily life of an economist has given you a better sense of whether you should believe Donald Trump when he says the economy is great, or your wife when she tells you she had to sell the kids for rent money.
The important thing to remember is that whether you vote for Trump’s Republicans or for the people who want to reduce America to dust while destroying every vestige of our prosperity and freedom, you can never be totally sure about the future, unless you read the horoscope page in the New York Post.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Stressed businessman overwhelmed by work

Economics Is A Science, Like Pinball Or Craps

Economics

When I ponder the deeper aspects of love and intimacy, I sometimes like to consult the wisdom of our left-wing thought leaders, in the same way I sometimes like to stick a pencil in my ear to see if I can make it come out the other side of my head, then slam the ball-peen of a hammer down on my kneecap with full force before finally jamming a lit stick of dynamite between my buttocks and blowing my own ass off.
For far too long, stodgy conservative influencers like Matt Walsh and God have defined human love as that relationship in which a man and a woman come to realize that the jigsaw complementarity of male and female bodies has become a fleshly symbol of the harmonic convergence of their individual souls, so that they seek to come together through the sacrament of an indissoluble lifelong marriage, in which she submits to the authority of a member of that gender with some semblance of a capacity for reason, while he includes within the circle of his own happiness the happiness of a member of that gender that can never be made happy or if they can it just costs an absolute fortune.
But unlike the sluggish thought of conservatives, the wisdom of leftism never allows itself to become mired in the stagnant tar pit of moral and physical reality. Leftism is progressive, like emphysema or one of those horrible degenerative diseases that you don’t even want to think about because it’s so much like leftism, it makes you wonder how a good God could ever allow such a thing to exist. No. Leftists have now moved beyond restrictive, outdated categories like the essential nature of the human condition, and they’ve discovered all kinds of new wrinkles to human love that past generations never even conceived of without getting arrested.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/hosts/andrew-klavan?elementPosition=6&amp;row=2&amp;rowHeadline=Hosts&amp;rowType=Hosts+Portrait+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
For instance, through the brilliant writings of leftist academics who have dedicated their lives to the selfless work of saying ridiculous crap that only some idiot like a journalist could possibly fall for, we now know that your gender is not determined by what gender you are. That wouldn’t be fair. You didn’t ask to be born. And if you did ask to be born, you sure didn’t ask to be born with every cell of your body evolved over slow millennia to either create and nurture the next generation, or to drag your ass to work so the next generation and their mother don’t starve to death while they’re home playing Candy Land or whatever the hell they do all day when you’re slaving away to keep them in onesies with maybe a few bucks left over for a date night at the Olive Garden so you don’t go out of your freaking mind.
NOW, leftists tell us, you can change your gender by simply lopping off the relevant body parts, then bullying all the sane people into pretending that did the trick, until the gnawing suspicion that everyone is lying to you causes you to spray a crowded room with gunfire before blowing your head off.
And for those people who aren’t into meaningless self-mutilation — for some reason — leftists are also able to assist you in intimacy by recommending some fruitless sexual fetish that is sure to improve your love life if your love life currently consists of lowering baskets of lotion into an oubliette.
As an example, there’s a new movie out called &#8220;Pillion&#8221; which charts the sado-masochistic affair between two gay bikers. The Wall Street Journal calls it a “classic rom-com with warm and fuzzy feelings.” The Washington Post calls it a “surprisingly sweet BDSM romance.” And the New York Times hasn’t reviewed it yet, because their reviewer is still in the theater watching it over and over again. 
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against defining love as a man submitting to wearing a dog collar for another man, any more than I’m against defining dinner as repeatedly smacking a sirloin steak into your forehead. I just wish our leftist cultural overlords would occasionally heap such praise on a movie about, say, a wife submitting to the authority of a husband who makes her happiness his own. But they can’t. Because no one ever makes that movie.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Modern love

Love, Leftism, And The Tar Pit Of Physical Reality

Dating

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Republicans are beginning to panic as polls show them losing popularity before the upcoming midterm elections. In a party Zoom meeting to discuss the crisis, GOP Senator Samuel T. Schnorrer from the great state of Lassitude told his colleagues, “When I first saw the new numbers, I nearly lost my head. I started babbling like a crazy man about passing laws and cutting entitlement spending before it drives us into insolvency. Thank God my consultant was there to slap me in the face until I came to my senses and realized: if we start passing laws and all sorts of loony stuff like that, we might be blamed for the results. I think we just have to stick to the original game plan of shaking our fists at Democrats on Fox News.”
GOP Congressman Lorne Loveless from the persistent state of hysteria, blamed President Trump for the bad poll numbers, saying, “The president keeps doing things. Things are bad, especially when you do them. That’s why we do nothing. It literally means &#8216;no thing.&#8217; It’s right there in the word. Really, being a congressman is not that complex if you know how to speak English. Also you have to know when to stop speaking English before you actually say something and instead just keep shaking your fist at Democrats on Fox News.” 
The polls do confirm that Trump’s actions are alienating some people in the party’s coalition. According to one poll — Nikolai Kaminski — sixty-seven percent of Republicans feel Trump is not carrying out their wishes that he would make government smaller while not cutting any of their benefits, bring down prices while continuing to print massive amounts of money so they don’t lose any of their benefits, and deport illegal immigrants without making it hard to find someone to mow your lawn while you pay him crap wages and shout, “That’s mucho dinero, amigo!” because what the hell does he know, he doesn&#8217;t even speak English.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1266-how-we-fight?contentProgram=The%20Andrew%20Klavan%20Show&amp;contentType=ShowEpisode&amp;elementPosition=2&amp;location=Home%20Tab&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Home%20Featured%20Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
According to another poll — Stanislaw Dabrowski — fifty-five percent of Independent voters feel the news under the Trump administration is far too chaotic and they yearn for the days when they could kick back in front of the TV and watch President Biden shuffle around aimlessly calling America racist while reporters marveled at his ability to lick an ice cream cone and fall down a flight of stairs at the same time.
In yet another poll — this one at the Spearmint Rhino Club in Oakland — seventy-five percent of Republicans who listen to Tucker Carlson blame Trump for sending Christian men to die for Israel in Carlson’s imagination. Ninety-five percent of Carlson’s listeners who named their first-born sons Adolf are also angry that Trump prevented the Iranian mullahs from acquiring nuclear weapons, which would’ve sure come in handy the next time their pagers blew their testicles off.
Finally, according to the traditionally reliable north poll, eleventy-six percent of readers of the New York Times, a former newspaper, are furious at the things they read about Trump doing in the Times and are deeply concerned he might start doing them in real life as well.
Democrats are seizing on these poll numbers to launch attacks on the administration that they feel will resonate with the public. Democrat strategist Lilith Abaddon rolled over in bed and told a reporter, “Affordability was a good issue until people discovered inflation was caused by president Biden printing massive amounts of money, before tripping over a sandbag, flying out the door, bumping into a little girl and burying his nose in her hair while calling half the electorate fascist. So now, we’ve cleverly switched to harping on deporting illegal immigrants who came swarming into the country by the millions while president Biden was falling off his bicycle and lying face down in the mud for three hours before anyone realized he was no longer running the country. Right now, we feel the idea of defunding ICE will be really popular with millions of poor refugees who came to this country simply looking for a better life with their 72 virgins in heaven.”
As for Republicans, they say they will continue to beat back the tide of unpopularity until their fists get tired from being shaken on Fox News.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Portrait of shocked senior man

Republicans Alarmed By New Poll Showing Voters Expect Results

2026 Midterms

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