United States lawmakers and other sex workers are holed up in Washington D.C. discussing what to do about Obamacare.
The problem is that the massive subsidies of taxpayer dollars that have been funding the bill are about to expire, and should they run out, the only way to continue doing the important work that Obamacare does would be to rake all our money into one big pile then set it on fire and dance around the blaze, chanting, “Oh, look, healthcare is affordable now! Just keep raking.”
Democrats are searching to find ways to keep Obamacare alive while simultaneously bringing down the cost of healthcare. They’re working on such cost-cutting innovations as building doctor’s offices on the top floors of skyscrapers, then having the exit door from the waiting room lead directly out of the building to a fifty story drop to the pavement below, thus limiting the patient’s healthcare needs to a mop and a headstone.
Another version of this inevitable Obamacare addendum is called Medical Assistance in Dying or MAID, in which doctors who previously fulfilled their sacred Hippocratic oath to “Do No Harm,” by performing abortions and castrating little boys for no reason, will now simply murder their patients to keep them from running up their healthcare bills.
The Democrats will attempt to sell the public on the MAID idea with an upbeat holiday-themed ad campaign called “Everybody Ought to Have a MAID.” The ads will include a catchy jingle with the lyrics: 
<blockquote>Why decay, day by day, when, hooray, you can just pass away? 
We killed your babies, then as a bonus, we tried to cut off your son’s cojones.
Now rather than bear the healthcare onus, all you have to do is phone us and you won’t be billed, you’ll just be killed.</blockquote>
And okay, it’s not Sondheim, but it works better than Obamacare.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Now some lawmakers feel the problems with Obamacare are built into the system. The way Obamacare works is this: Imagine a strapping, healthy 25-year-old man. Now imagine a 90-year-old man slowly being devoured by a slimy, oozing, bubbling green old man fungus spreading inch by inch over his skin and painfully dissolving his flesh into a malodorous puddle of boiling blood-soaked goo. Now stop giggling. You people are sick. You disgust me.
Anyway, under Obamacare, the healthy 25-year-old and the bubbling, stinky fungus man pay exactly the same amount for health insurance. Now, of course, the 25-year-old will soon begin to think: Hey, I&#8217;m not sick. Why should I pay rates meant to cover dissolving fungus face over there? Ah, but Obamacare had a fix for that called the mandate. Under the mandate, if people refused to pay for healthcare they didn&#8217;t need, the government would simply steal their money at gunpoint and pay for it anyway. Unfortunately, the mandate was canceled, but luckily, the Democrats replaced the mandate with subsidies through which they steal everybody’s money at gunpoint but instead of calling it a mandate, they call it subsidies.
Now you might say: well, we can’t just go on stealing people&#8217;s money to pay for 90-year-old bubbling fungus people forever because we&#8217;d run out of money! But then you would be a Republican and you’d be forced to do nothing, because you’d be a contemptible poltroon, too cowardly to explain to people that we should leave the whole business to the free market.
If you’re a Democrat, you have a better plan, which is to keep subsidizing bubbling fungi until the national debt is so high we have to sell the entire country to China. Then the Chinese can deal with our healthcare by saying, “Oh, look, there’s a malodorous fungus person, let’s harvest his organs, then invade Taiwan.”
At that point, Republicans can finally take action by going on Fox News and shouting, “This is all the Democrats’ fault and would never have happened if someone had had the courage to stop them! Now we must go to war against China, which we would definitely do, if we could still afford a Navy.”
Democrats, on the other hand, will simply rake all our money into a big pile and set it on fire, then dance around the blaze, chanting, “Well, at least we still have Obamacare,” except in Chinese.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Democrats Fail To Extend Affordable Care Act Subsidies In Government Funding Deal

The Democratic Plan To Extend Obamacare By Using All Of Your Money

Andrew Klavan

Congress

Democrats

Health Care

Humor

Obamacare

Satire

Michelle Obama blames white people for the fact that black people can’t swim. In an interview promoting her new book called I forgot what — that’s not the title of the book, I just forgot what the title is — the wife of the president who ruined our healthcare system spoke in that condescending, sassy black woman tone of voice that makes all of us love sassy black women so very, very much. She said, &#8220;Let me explain something to white people. Our hair comes out of our heads naturally in a curly pattern. So, when we&#8217;re straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the straightness. That&#8217;s why so many of us can&#8217;t swim, and we run away from the water … because we&#8217;re trying to keep our hair straight for y&#8217;all. It is exhausting, and it is so expensive, and it takes up so much time!&#8221;
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, &#8220;Oh, Klavan, you jocular junkie of jovial jokery, where do you come up with these fantastically fanciful satire ideas?&#8221; Just the notion that a woman with degrees from both Princeton and Harvard would talk to her fellow grown-ups in that condescending sassy black woman tone that just makes you want to plant a foot of whatever color right in her sassy black buttock and watch her go sailing through the air like a Cameron Dicker field goal attempt from sixty yards out, is totally unbelievable in itself. But when you add to that this ridiculous concept that an unfathomably privileged woman with a net worth of approximately a hundred gazillion Somalis would go on TV with her straightened hair that no white man gives a twitch of a rat’s ass about and tell people that the reason she can’t swim is because white people give a twitch of a rat’s ass about her hair, well, sure, it’s hilarious, but just so totally unreal.
But no, I am not making this up. The wife of the president who reintroduced racial hatred into an American culture that had all but abandoned it, has a new book out called I don’t care what it is — that’s not the title of the book, I just don’t care what it is — and she promoted the book by claiming that her obsession with how white people see her, is the fault of white people who mostly don’t see her at all.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Now, this might actually be a good sales strategy. Michelle Obama’s tone of bitter, entitled, totally unearned self-satisfaction is very popular with liberal women… for some reason. And I’m sure whatever nonsense she spews out will be greeted by those women as a thoroughly welcome change from the nonsense they&#8217;re spewing out in a tone of bitter, entitled, totally unearned self-satisfaction.
In fact, the same audience also enjoys Michelle’s nasty remarks about her husband, the former president, who would have gotten away with giving the terrorist nation of Iran a nuclear weapon if Donald Trump hadn’t bombed the living Barack out of their nuclear facilities. For instance, Michelle said there was an entire decade of her marriage in which she “couldn’t stand,” her husband, which may account for the fact that the former president, who managed to lose the war in Iraq after George W. Bush won the war in Iraq, formed a suspiciously close relationship with his male chef — until the chef mysteriously drowned in a pond on Martha’s Vineyard, probably because he was so worried about getting his hair wet, he forgot how to swim. Either that, or it was because he threatened to tell. But probably it was his hair. 
Now, just to be clear, it really is a problem that black people don’t learn how to swim. Black kids drown at around three times the rate of white kids, and it may be because white people don’t like curly hair. Or it may be because too many black kids don’t have fathers, so there’s no one to throw them into the water and listen to their mothers scream, “Oh my God, he’ll drown, and what about his hair?” while the kid happily paddles back and forth, not worrying about his hair because he has a father.
But sure, maybe it’s because of white people.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
* * *
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2025 Martha’s Vineyard African American Film Festival

Michelle Obama Says White People Are The Reason Black People Can’t Swim

Blacks

Book tour

Michelle Obama

Whites

Many people blame the troubles of the world on the news media. Many say that journalists have become out-of-touch elites, so committed to the destructive lies of leftism that their minds have become gnarled and pocked with hatred of those everyday Americans whose better values threaten to expose journalists to themselves as Gollum-like creatures eaten away by their own corruption until they look into the mirrors of their imaginations and see horrific images of their bodies riddled with leprous decay as a physical representation of the spiritual degeneracy that clearly foreshadows an eternity of desolation in bleak and endless severance from the God who created them and who now, even in his omniscience, himself turns to alternative forms of media in the hopes of getting some honest news once in a while.
Of course, many people still trust the news media and softly murmur to themselves that Walter Cronkite seems awfully nice, before they retreat into a corner of the assisted care facility and stare at the blank wall with rheumy eyes, fondly watching a parade of misty memories from a distant past that now seems much better than it really was.
Recently, unseemly revelations have detracted even more from the news media’s reputation so that trust in the honesty of journalists has now sunk to just 28% of journalists, and they’re journalists, so they’re obviously lying and don’t trust journalists any more than the rest of us do.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
In formerly Great Britain, for instance, the British Broadcasting Corporation has recently become mired in scandal. The once-respected news organization, often affectionately referred to as “Auntie,” because it reminds viewers of the sort of grey-haired old lady whose silhouette can sometimes be seen at the second story window of a gothic mansion while her delusional, hectoring high-pitched rants drift down to the desolate motel below until, in the last reel, we find out the silhouette is really Norman Bates in a dress and a wig, and the real Auntie is the rotten corpse of a once respected news organization…
What was I talking about? Oh yeah…
Recently, the BBC was exposed for deceptively editing a speech by Donald Trump for a 2024 report that was clearly meant to influence American voters against Trump’s re-election. In Trump’s original speech, delivered to a group of protestors on January 6th after Trump’s 2021 election loss, Trump said, “God bless America, land that I love, stand beside her, and guide her through the night with a light from above.” In the BBC version, Trump said, “Kill them all! Storm the Capitol and kill them all! Kill, Kill, Kill! Insurrection now! Destroy Democracy and kill them all!”
BBC President Cor Blimey issued a statement saying that the minor discrepancy was the result of an innocent mistake in which producers confused the Trump speech with the film “Starship Troopers” because they think of Americans as just so many gigantic alien bugs.
To be fair, not all news organizations have sunk out of sight into the BBC’s tarpit of disgrace, shame, corruption, decadence, degradation, and vice. With some outlets, you can still just see the tops of their heads for a few final moments before the tar closes over them. 
For example, the New York Times, a former newspaper, was recently awarded the Pulitzer Prize for linking Donald Trump’s name to Jeffrey Epstein’s name a record number of times, without once explaining that no one has ever plausibly accused Trump of doing anything wrong with Epstein. The Pulitzer Committee says it hopes the Times prize for irrelevantly linking Trump and Epstein will encourage other former news outlets to distract people from the fact that Trump has closed the border, brought peace to the Middle East, drawn in trillions of dollars of new investment to the U.S., lowered inflation and bettered our trading deals in ways that promise to cut the deficit, not to mention the fact that he barred Epstein from Mar-a-Lago for being a creep while sleazy journalists like George Stephanopoulos and Katie Couric were still attending dinners in Epstein’s honor.
In a statement carved into the clay of a goat-headed idol, the Pulitzer Committee said it would continue to give news outlets like the Times awards for what they do best, namely, lie.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
* * *
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New York Times

NY Times Wins Pulitzer For Linking Words ‘Trump’ And ‘Epstein’ Record Number Of Times

NY Times Wins Pulitzer For Linking Words 'Trump' And 'Epstein' Record Number Of Times

Donald Trump

Journalism

Legacy Media

The New York Times

Well, the longest government shutdown in U.S. history is finally over, and many of you are asking questions like, “Why would Sydney Sweeney make a movie where she plays a fat boxer? What was she thinking?” Also, “Why do women play with their hair when they like a guy?” And here’s another one: “You know how the screen just went dark in the last episode of &#8216;The Sopranos&#8217;? What the hell was that about? I mean, they’re paying the screenwriter good money. Shouldn’t he be able to come up with some kind of ending? And don’t even get me started on &#8216;How I Met Your Mother.'&#8221;
And okay, some of you may have questions about the government shutdown and, holy moly, I can’t even imagine what your lives must be like. But hey, here at the Daily Wire, it’s not our place to mock you for being pathetic, so as part of our mission to give you an in-depth understanding of the news, we’re pleased to provide you with this handy Q&amp;A about the government shutdown.
Q: Why did the government shut down in the first place?
A: The government shut down because Chuck Schumer is the Senate leader of the Democrats, and he&#8217;s a demon.
Q: Wait, really?
A: Yeah! Look at him. With those dead eyes, and the widow’s peak you could cut your wrists with. The guy’s a hell dweller. Probably crawled out of a crevice in the earth somewhere.
Q: But weren’t there, like, political considerations?
A: I dunno. I’m still trying to figure out how Sydney Sweeney looked in the mirror and thought: “Oh good, I’m a super-hot white girl! For the next ten years, I can literally have anything I want. I know! I’ll make a movie where I’m a fat palooka. People will flock to the theaters to see that!” I mean, who knows why people do things?
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Q: Could we get back to the shutdown? 
A: Sure, you obviously have nothing better to do.
Q: What were the results of the shutdown?
A: During the shutdown, the government couldn’t perform its very important functions like — I don’t know — making speeches and putting up signs and whatnot.
Q: That’s it? They couldn’t make speeches and signs?
A: Signs are actually very important. Otherwise, they tow your car and you’re like, “What did I even do?”
Q: Well, what about healthcare?
A: Right. Democrats want to gradually lure the United States into a government healthcare system like they have in England and Canada, where more and more of your money goes into increasingly outdated medical treatments until finally they have to legalize medically assisted suicide so they can kill patients off in order to keep treatment expenses down. So then, you’re, like, twelve years old and you go to the doctor with a splinter, and he’s like, “Wouldn’t you rather just kill yourself?” The Republicans didn’t want to fund that, so Chuck Schumer closed the government.
Q: Wait, Chuck Schumer wants to suicide 12-year-olds, but that’s demonic… O-o-o-oh, I get what you’re saying.
A: This is why we provide these helpful Q and A’s.
Q: Well, what happens to stuff like taxes during a shutdown?
A: You still have to pay taxes during a shutdown so Congress can get paid.
Q: Get paid for doing what?
A: Well, the government’s shut down, so they’re not doing anything.
Q: So Congress doesn’t do anything, and we still have to give them our money?
A: Correct, and that continues even during the shutdown.
Q: So why exactly did the shutdown end?
A: The shutdown ended because the money for welfare payments ran out, so pretty soon, welfare recipients would’ve had to find jobs. Then to keep their jobs, they’d’ve had to improve their behavior, which would’ve helped them find spouses and start families and increase their sense of self-worth, until they wouldn’t even need Democrats. So basically, the Democrats needed to reopen or they’d become irrelevant.
Q: Well, frankly, I’m glad. I need to get home for Thanksgiving, and when I saw all the delays piling up at airports, I wanted to kill myself.
A: Unfortunately, if you want to kill yourself legally, you’ll just have to wait till the Democrats are back in power.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Longest Shutdown Tests Air Travel, Federal Workers And Patience

Here’s A Handy Q&A To Explain The Shutdown — Spoiler: It’s As Dumb As You Think

Canada

Chuck Schumer

Federal Government

Government Shutdown

The movie business has just suffered the worst Halloween box office in over 30 years, causing many people who think seriously about Hollywood to laugh uproariously while baring their buttocks in the direction of Los Angeles and singing made-up song lyrics that rhyme with “Pharma is a glitch, you sleazy brother duckers!”
The box office tally showed that after releasing around 11 Halloween-themed movies for the October holiday at an overall production cost of about $300 million, industry leaders drew in enough money to buy a jumbo popcorn at the candy counter if the nice old man standing in line behind them gave them an extra nickel out of the goodness of his heart.
But while Hollywood zillionaires have been openly dripping scorn on the values, lifestyles, religion, and patriotism of the American public for the last 30 years, that doesn’t mean Americans are celebrating the industry’s hilariously humiliating fall down a bottomless well of hilarious humiliation. Sure, there have been one-or two-or five-hundred nationwide fortnight-long parties at which burning effigies of Bob Iger are hung from trees while adults and children alike dance in circles beneath them singing made-up lyrics that rhyme with, “Burn, you supercilious niece of split!” But that’s only because they wanted to melt chocolate and marshmallows for their s&#8217;mores, and a burning effigy of Bob Iger strung from a tree happened to be near at hand, as always.
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, studio executives are trying to solve the mysteriously puzzling conundrum-like enigma of why their latest films are not causing what used to be the movie-going public to leave their homes, where they’re busy playing darts with the headshots of loudmouth actors.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
One studio executive, Chazer Shmendrik of Crapola Pictures, took time out to talk to a reporter while coming home to his third wife from his 14-year-old mistress’s house before stopping off at his dealer on his way to a fundraiser for the Shout Your Abortion Foundation. Shmendrik said, “I just can’t figure out why the folks aren’t showing up for our movies. We’ve given them homosexual propaganda for children, turned all their favorite franchises into socialist rants, denigrated masculinity, banned femininity, barred the depiction of white men as heroes, and cast the president of the United States as everything from a black lesbian to a saintly Islamist. We even made a movie about a 58-year-old girl-boss who laps milk out of a saucer in order to debase herself in front of a 25-year-old man. I mean, we’ve tried everything. What the hell else does this audience want anyway?”
Other executives said the poor Halloween box office was either due to competition from the World Series or the government shutdown, or the fact that Halloween fell on a Friday this year, or maybe just that Americans are sick of giving money to tawdry jerkwads who hate them. 
But even as Hollywood tried to determine where they might have gone wrong, the industry was rocked by another scandal when bombshell actress Lefty Vavoom showed up at an elite gala wearing a shocking full-sleeved blouse and ankle-length skirt that revealed every inch of her modesty and restrained sexual behavior. As paparazzi snaps of the starlet’s outfit appeared on front pages under red-ink shock headlines, feminist critics reacted in rage.
At the New York Times, a former newspaper, feminist columnist Banshee McScreamyface wrote, “At a time when women in the workplace are facing disrespect for simply exercising their right to descend to the lowest levels of self-hating sexual degradation, how can we proclaim our feminist principles if our Hollywood role models strut around in non-see-through blouses that don’t even expose their nipples? I don’t want to seem old-fashioned but we need a return to the good old days when Kanye West’s girlfriends came to parties wearing nothing but a dog collar, proudly proclaiming the legacy of feminism, namely obsessive self-abuse and soulless immiseration.”
Trembling before the feminist blast no one else read, Hollywood moguls immediately signed a pledge to cast more black actors in roles that make no earthly sense, and release another movie in which Nicole Kidman humiliates herself in the nude in time for her sixtieth birthday.
If that doesn’t win back the audience, nothing will. And let’s hope nothing will.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Friends watching scary movie at movie theater

Hollywood’s Halloween Horror: Woke Films So Bad They’re Scaring Audiences Away

Hollywood

Horror Movies

Movies

The New York Mayoral election is a few days away, and all across the city, New Yorkers are already preparing for a victory by Democrat Zohran Mamdani. Some prepare by using their laptops as kickboards and attempting to paddle across Long Island Sound to Connecticut. Others are staging re-enactments of the scene in The Ten Commandments where people gather their belongings and livestock and head into the wilderness for forty years rather than facing the future at home. More philosophical and reflective New Yorkers simply sit in the shadow of the noose they’ve hung from the ceiling heating pipes, weeping quietly into their Pumpkin Spiced Lattes.
Meanwhile, Mamdani continues his charisma-fueled campaign, with his face lit by a smile so charming it reminds supporters of Pennywise the Clown just before he entices a child into the sewer by offering him a red balloon.
In an appearance before a gathering of the American Federation of Islamist Terrorists Bent on Killing Everybody and Blaming Israel (the AFITBKEBI), Mamdani delivered his closing arguments to an enthusiastic crowd gaily decked out in brightly colored sticks of dynamite.
Mamdani said: “When I am mayor, there will be free buses powered by rainbow-colored unicorn farts and health care that will be paid for by taxing all the rich people who used to live here before they left so I wouldn’t be able to tax them. And there’ll be government grocery stores where the shelves will be packed with totally free luxury goods that you can almost see if you close your eyes and imagine very hard. And sure, I’ve claimed the police are oppressors funded by the Jews, and sure, I’ve said I want to seize the means of production just like the murderous tyrant Vladimir Lenin, and yes, I’ve supported terrorists and criminals who prey on the innocent, but those are just things I actually believe in. This is the time to forget all that and come into the sewer where I’ll give you a red balloon.”
The speech was broadly criticized by virulent Islamophobes and other groups opposed to being blown up and beheaded, but the people who were there greeted Mamdani’s words with explosive applause, or just explosives.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/aks-ep-1253?elementPosition=0&amp;row=5&amp;rowHeadline=The+Andrew+Klavan+Show&amp;rowType=Horizontal+Show+Episodes+Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Some Democrats have hesitated to endorse Mamdani. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, for instance, can’t decide whether to press the big red button marked “I have no core beliefs so I’ll pretend to stand with the lunatic base,” or the identical red button marked “I have no core beliefs so I’ll pretend to reject extremism in case there are still some Democrats who aren’t total scumbags like myself.”
On the other hand, New York Governor Kathy Hochul has gone all in, endorsing Mamdani at the annual meeting of the Society for Evil Clowns who Entice Innocent Children into Sewers with Red Balloons, (or SECEICSRB). Governor Hochul said, “When people ask me why I endorse Zohran Mamdani for New York Mayor, I simply tell them: Look in my eyes. Do you see anything there but an endless darkness in which values and ethics are dissolved to nothing by the acid of my ambition and love of power? How could you, when my very soul is a portal into a living hell of desire for the empty simulacrum of love that is the vote of fools who are being enticed into a catastrophe of American-hating dysfunction by their own ignorance and envy which allow them to be charmed out of rational thought by a creepy smile and obvious lies. So vote for Mamdani! Otherwise I’ll just have to live with myself, which would be intolerable.”
Hochul’s speech was praised for its startling honesty by the editorial board of the New York Post, just before they headed downtown with backpacks full of gold bars in the hopes they could bribe their way through the Holland Tunnel and reach New Jersey.
But Mamdani continues to have the support of younger voters, like one 25-year-old who told reporters, “I love Mamdani because he reminds me of the golden days of my childhood, and that funny clown who hid in the sewer and offered me a red balloon. I can’t exactly remember what happened after that. But I guess we’re about to find out.”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

NYC Mayoral Candidate Zohran Mamdani Campaigns At Brooklyn Senior Center

Why Does Mamdani Remind Me Of Pennywise The Clown?

Democratic Socialism

Mayor

New York City

Zohran Mamdani

Some people are saying that President Trump’s magnificent handling of the Iranian-Hamas terror war against Israel has revealed him to be a political colossus whose opponents on both the left and right are nothing more than small, petty, fleshly instantiations of total irrelevance, with opinions that are meaningless and small and evanescent in their influence and small and also small. Other people are saying other things. Like, “What’s for dinner, Mommy?” or “Read me a story, Daddy,” or “I’m George Stephanopoulos and this is ABC News.”
But even as Trump celebrates getting terrorist hostages released and securing the American border and readjusting the international order so that China, Russia, and a seething hellpit of demonic Jew haters of all stripes don’t take over the world, those who oppose him are vowing to bring him down by unleashing the full force of the tremendous cultural power they used to have until we caught on to them.
So for instance, while Trump is being hailed by leaders around the globe as the Grand Marshal of the parade of history, powerful magazine editors from one end of Manhattan to the same end of Manhattan are vowing that his glamorous First Lady Melania will never, ever appear on the cover of one of their crappy, irrelevant magazines.
The editor of American Vogue magazine, Chloe Irrelevant, announced this shattering act of cultural vengeance in a barn-burning speech at the annual meeting of the Society of Crappy and Irrelevant Magazine Editors, saying, “Trump may have his moment, but as God is my witness, we will show our resistance to him by sinking to levels of pettiness and meanness that the world has not seen since our last issue.”
Miss Irrelevant’s speech seemed to be greeted by thunderous applause until she realized she had wandered into a ladies room, and the people she thought were her audience were just her own reflections in the mirrors over the sinks.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Likewise, in the smoking ruins of what would still be Los Angeles if they had taken Trump’s advice on water usage, both members of the Jimmy Kimmel fan club swore to ignore the Israeli peace deal and to pay tribute instead to Kimmel’s inspiring work of ensuring that every TV comedian has the exact same political opinions as every other TV comedian. To honor Kimmel’s protection of the corporate political conformity enshrined in our Bill of Rights, the Kimmel fans pledged they would actually watch Kimmel’s show one of these days if it didn’t interfere with their nightly gummy overdose.
At the New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third declared that he would not let Trump’s victory over terrorism stop the Times’s relentless juggernaut of misleading headlines, which was sure to bring the president down just as soon as Times subscribers stopped playing Wordle and momentarily glanced at the misleading headlines.
In a speech to the Association of Once-Important News Outlets, which had gathered in a ladies room to hear a speech from the editor of American Vogue, Mr. Third said, “Trump may be powerful now because he has all these accomplishments and what-not, but his authoritarian regime will never survive such fiery tirades as the article we headlined, Pete Buttigieg on Rebuilding America After Trump. This, at last, presents the revolutionary vision of the Transportation Secretary who made history by bringing gay people to the very pinnacle of complete incompetence.”
And so while Donald Trump may enjoy this flash-in-the-pan moment of nine or ten months of unprecedented political achievement, the powerful masters of what used to be our culture until the scales fell from our eyes have not given up their resistance. In the words of influential Harvard Professor Alan Flapdoodle, “We convicted Trump of non-existent felonies, we impeached him for non-existent offenses, we accused him of non-existent treasons, and I know in my heart that, if we can compare him to Hitler just a few more times, he will be brought down once and for all. Our voices are not irrelevant. Our lives are not meaningless. Our dreams will never die. Now if you’ll just put a dollar in my hat, I’ll be happy to play &#8220;Blowin’ in the Wind&#8221; on my harmonica. After all, a man’s gotta eat.”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

TOPSHOT-US-POLITICS

While Trump Celebrates World Peace, Democrats Deliver More Irrelevant Speeches

Israeli hostages

Middle East

Trump peace plan

There is growing pressure on Democrat Virginia Attorney General candidate Jay Jones to step down, after Jones’s 2022 texts were uncovered in which he fantasized about shooting political opponent Todd Gilbert in the head, and wished Gilbert’s toddler children would die in their mother’s arms. Jones has apologized for the texts and says he was obviously joking since nothing spells comedy like dead children. 
So far, Democrats are standing behind Jones, because it’s obviously much too dangerous to stand in front of him. The Democrats dismiss calls for Jones to quit the race, saying the pressure for his resignation is being manufactured by right-wing news outlets, partisan Republicans, Republicans in name only, Independents, people who vote Democrat because they haven’t realized yet what’s happened to the party, Europeans, Asians, South American cartel members in their rare moments of moral awareness, primitive indigenous peoples who have no clue what the hell is even happening, chimpanzees in zoos who’ve been taught enough sign language to recognize a dirtbag when they see one, and anyone else with an ounce of common decency. 
Abigail Spanberger, the Democrat’s candidate for Virginia governor, says she continues to back Jones 100% because to back him even 1% less would suggest she was nursing some flickering spark of conscience that might force her to change her party affiliation. In a speech to a group of anti-fascists and other fascists, Miss Spanberger said, “When I think of who should be the chief law officer of Virginia, I think of Jay Jones, a man who was once arrested for driving 116 miles an hour, and when he was sentenced to 500 hours of community service, he served every single hour of that sentence by claiming that working for his own political PAC was community service. So this is a man of integrity, although I really have to look that word up, because I’m not sure it means what I think it means.”
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Tim Kaine is also throwing his support behind Jones. Kaine was himself the governor of Virginia and recently made headlines — and I’m not making this part up — Kaine made headlines when he declared that the idea that human rights come from God was “extremely troubling,” and sounded like the sort of thing people believed in theocratic tyrannies like Iran. When Kaine was told the idea came from yet another Virginia governor, Thomas Jefferson, Kaine said Jefferson should be impeached. When Kaine was told that Jefferson had died centuries ago and was, in fact, one of the founding fathers of the United States of America, Kaine broke down and admitted that he was a complete ignoramus and should not have any say at all in how America was governed and had therefore decided to become a U.S. Senator. 
In a speech to a meeting of anti-racists and other racists, Kaine said, “Jay Jones is a friend of mine and I know his heart. Yet, even so, I continue to support his candidacy for attorney general because the hunger for power has hollowed out my soul and left me with no moral compass whatsoever. And I think I speak for all morally hollow ignoramuses when I stand before you with this atrocious nonsense pouring out of my mouth while even I look on with a kind of fascinated horror at how deeply I degrade myself when I sacrifice every other value to my political ambition.” 
Now some of you may be asking yourself, why would the Democrats, a political party whose members share margaritas with wife-beating gangsters, tell the police not to come to the aid of federal law officers when they’re under mob attack, unleash hate on a conservative leader after his children have been orphaned by an assassin’s bullet, and pour into the street to support a terrorist attack that killed more Jews than any attack since the holocaust — why would the members of such a party stand behind a candidate who dreams of shooting his political opponent in the head and wishes the man’s children would die in their mother’s arms?
And if you are asking yourself that question, you might want to tell the zookeeper to teach you a little more sign language.
 * * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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Rep. Abigail Spanberger (D-VA) campaigns as the Democratic nominee in the Virginia’s governor’s race.

Virginia AG Candidate Gives ‘I Have A Dream’ A Whole New Meaning

Virginia AG Candidate Gives “I Have A Dream” A Whole New Meaning

Attorney General

Murder

Scandals

U.S. Politics

Virginia

America is having a debate about political violence. Is it the fault of conservatives, or is it the fault of the side that wants to kill everyone who disagrees with them? This chin-scratcher of a conundrum has inspired people of good will from all over to come together with Democrats to try to find a solution.
For instance, in a recent discussion at Harvard University, left-wing students calmly and quietly presented their side of the issue, while right-wing students responded by screaming in terror as an angry mob chased them with pitchforks and torches. The come-together event was sponsored by the student group Kill All Fascists, with KAF President Vladimir Mohammed Jihad Alinsky telling the assembled rioters, “We must put an end to fascism by any means necessary. And some of you may ask, well, what do you mean when you say by any means necessary? And we must put an end to people who ask that by any means necessary. Because remember: silence is violence, so we must meet violence with violence until there’s silence, which is violence, which we must meet with violence, which is exactly like silence except you wear masks and beat people with metal rods. Remember: No justice, no peace. And injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere. So no peace until there’s justice everywhere, which will never happen, so we can beat the hell out of people forever and still feel great about ourselves.”
After Alinsky’s speech, the leftist students gathered for a friendly barbecue, but it had to be called off because all the Jews had escaped.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, also contributed to the national conversation with a think piece by Times editor Hannah Lyin-Ass Jones, the author of the famous 1619 Conspiracy, which declares that the founding of America was really a plot to destroy the economy of Africa by buying up all their slaves so there was no one left to mine the vibranium. Ms. Lyin-Ass Jones wrote, “You have to understand what violence is. When a black drug addict dies while resisting arrest and we pretend that’s evidence of systemic racism in order to incite riots in over 150 cities where businesses, homes and entire neighborhoods are left in ashes and at least 25 people are killed, that’s not violence. We need a totally different word for that, like Flower-Sunshine-ism or Skittery-Doodle-Happy-Time-atude or Black-Lives-Matter — something that sounds really nice and heartwarming. Violence is when Charlie Kirk says that Ketanji Brown Jackson doesn’t have the brain power to be a Supreme Court justice for no other reason than that she’s a black woman who doesn’t happen to have the brain power to be a Supreme Court justice. That is hate, and hate is violence and violence must be met with Skittery-Doodle-Happy-Time-atude until everyone who disagrees with us is dead.” 
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
To get the conservative side of the argument, we visited an undisclosed location where half the staff of the Daily Wire is hiding under lockdown after receiving death threats from the pro-transgender group called “Say I’m A Woman or Die.” One staffer, who preferred to remain anonymous because he selfishly wants to live to be thirty, told us, “I’m sure with a magnifying glass and a spotlight you can find the occasional right-wing lunatic who wants to hurt someone, but that’s different from an entire leftist culture that demonizes disagreement as fascism so that over 50 percent of leftists believe it’s justifiable to…”
But at this point, the staffer was interrupted when a flaming arrow crashed through the window bearing a note from Say I’m A Woman or Die, that read, “Say I’m a Woman or Die!” The staffer angrily hurled the arrow back through the broken window and was immediately cited as an example of right-wing violence by The New York Times.
The incident was ridiculed that night by Jimmy Kimmel, whose courageous fight to ensure that every comedian on television has the same political opinion has won him the support of the Hollywood leftist group “Hate Donald Trump or Die!” The group issued a statement saying, “All right-wingers must be silenced and silence is violence, so it’s the right-wing that is violent because they’re silenced. Debate over.”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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This is What Democracy Looks Like

Democrats: If Silence Is Violence, We Must Meet Violence With Violence Until There’s Silence

With the baby boomers dying off, many people ask me, &#8220;What is Gen Z like, and what does it mean for the future?&#8221; But with the baby boomers dying off, I don’t have time to answer — and anyway, what’s it to me?
However, there is a new poll out on how these Gen Z whippersnappers see things, and the results are very encouraging in the sense they’ll allow me to die happy in the knowledge that the rest of you are screwed.
The poll of around 3,000 respondents between the ages of 18 and 29 was specially designed to elicit information from young people by posing its questions in the form of emojis and inarticulate whining noises and then pretending to take the answers seriously. The results had a margin of error of 79%, because the young people had no clue what the hell they were talking about and then changed their minds when they found out what life was really like.
The young people were asked such questions as: What do you value most? Is America headed in the right direction? What the hell do you know, you nose-ringed freak? And why don’t you get a job and find your own place to live, you’re 20-years old already, for crying out loud? The respondents were then divided by gender using a buzz saw and a surgical needle threaded with fishing line. Then the genders were separated politically by riot police with tear gas and rubber bullets. Finally, the survivors sat around smoking weed until the women fell asleep and the men, of course, had sex with them.
The results of the poll show that among young men, the number one thing they valued most was having children. The number four thing they valued most was getting married. Numbers two and three were avoiding paying child support and using pig’s blood during a paternity test before changing their names and moving out of state.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1249-a-bend-in-the-arc-of-history?contentProgram=The%20Andrew%20Klavan%20Show&amp;contentType=ShowEpisode&amp;elementPosition=2&amp;location=Home%20Tab&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Home%20Featured%20Carousel"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974735 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1024x171.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-300x50.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-768x128.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now-1536x256.jpg 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/Klavan-watch-now.jpg 1800w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
Among women, the number one thing they valued most was their jobs, the number two thing they valued was emotional stability and the number three thing they valued were anti-depressants. These women also valued making TikTok videos expressing completely nonsensical opinions in a smug voice while smiling like Anthony Perkins in the last frame of “Psycho,” and secretly wishing some guy would marry them and tell them what to do because they’re obviously out of their minds.
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The poll also revealed ingrained differences between young men and women when it came to political issues. For instance, 56% of young men feel that Donald Trump is doing an excellent job as president, while 82% of young women also have political opinions but nobody bothered to write them down because, let’s face it, who cares?
The biggest political divide between the genders was on immigration. Young women felt that it was a crying shame to deport an upstanding pillar of the community just because he had come here illegally, and had drunkenly crashed his car into an elementary school, then escaped before the police discovered the child tied up in his trunk. Young men didn’t answer the question because they were too busy watching cool videos of ICE agents slamming fat Mexicans into the sides of their jalopies while screaming the f-word.
One surprising result in the poll is that young people increasingly favor socialism. They listed their primary reasons as — one — they’d have a lot of time to play “Candy Crush” while they were standing in line to get a loaf of bread. Two, they’ve seen the mini-series “Chernobyl” and it looked really cool when people’s flesh started to melt like in a science fiction movie only real. And three, under socialism, there would be no corporations and everything would be free, so you could just pick up a new iPhone any time you wanted … wherever it is that iPhones come from.
All in all, the results of the poll demonstrated that Generation Z is called Generation Z for a good reason: namely, nothing comes after Z.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

People waiting in line to enter in a store – Social distancing concept

New Poll: Gen Z Likes Socialism, Willing To Wait In Line For Loaf Of Bread

Gen Z

Poll

Socialism

Flanked by Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and other leaders of the free world, President Trump announced on Tuesday a new <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/i-think-weve-found-an-answer-to-autism-what-to-know-about-trumps-major-announcement?author=Amanda+Prestigiacomo&amp;category=undefined&amp;elementPosition=105&amp;row=3&amp;rowHeadline=Latest+News&amp;rowType=Vertical+Carousel&amp;title=%E2%80%98I+Think+We%E2%80%99ve+Found+An+Answer+To+Autism%E2%80%99%3A+What+To+Know+About+Trump%E2%80%99s+Major+Announcement">investigation</a> into a potential link between a popular pain medication and autism.
During the briefing, the president pointed out that the Amish are a good example of a people with <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/potential-cause-treatment-of-autism-revealed-by-trump-rfk-jr?author=Amanda+Prestigiacomo&amp;category=News&amp;elementPosition=5&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Vertical+List&amp;title=Potential+Cause%2C+Treatment+Of+Autism+Revealed+By+Trump%2C+RFK+Jr.">essentially</a> no autism.
What’s so special about the Amish? That’s easy: clean living and a high tolerance for pain. Plus, the Amish have never even heard of acetaminophen.
Underneath those broad-brimmed straw hats, plain shirts, and suspenders, however, lies a rugged, hard-working people with smooth skin and wavy hair. Amish men may have rough hands from doing rough work, but their muscular upper arms are notoriously smooth. World famous.
And who doesn&#8217;t want to be like the Amish?
Thanks to <a href="https://www.jeremysrazors.com/collections/bestselling-essentials/products/all-day-set?selling_plan=3028484309">Jeremy’s Hair &amp; Body Bundle</a>, your hair and skin can also look and feel like the Amish.
<a href="https://www.jeremysrazors.com/collections/bestselling-essentials/products/all-day-set?selling_plan=3028484309"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-976453 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/JR-Hair-Body-Bundle-dark-4x5-1-461x576.jpg" alt="" width="461" height="576" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/JR-Hair-Body-Bundle-dark-4x5-1-461x576.jpg 461w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/JR-Hair-Body-Bundle-dark-4x5-1-240x300.jpg 240w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/JR-Hair-Body-Bundle-dark-4x5-1-768x960.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/JR-Hair-Body-Bundle-dark-4x5-1.jpg 1230w" sizes=" (max-width: 461px) 100vw, 461px" /></a>
Check out Jeremy’s Charcoal Body Wash, Shampoo, and Conditioner with Tea Tree, Argan Oil, &amp; Peppermint. Your hair will feel soft, and your soul refreshed.
So when the leftists shout at you about toxic masculinity while you walk back to your rig at the gun range, just remember there’s nothing toxic about using <a href="https://www.jeremysrazors.com/collections/bestselling-essentials/products/all-day-set?selling_plan=3028484309">Jeremy’s Hair &amp; Body Bundle</a>. There’s also nothing toxic about living like the Amish either: home-grown meat and potatoes all the way.
Jeremy’s bath and body products are all about freedom, just like you. They’re paraben-free, sulfate-free, and even woke-free.
Former guest host of The Oprah Winfrey Show and current Administrator for the Centers for Medicare &amp; Medicaid Services, Dr. Mehmet Oz, also had something to say about taking acetaminophen.
“Make sure there’s an important reason to take it. Don’t take it willy-nilly,” said Dr. Oz.
<div id="attachment_976455" style="width: 875px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-976455" class="size-large wp-image-976455" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/dea60e29-a11e-4e96-8a5e-3a6f3ffdaef8-865x576.jpg" alt="US President Donald Trump, left, and Mehmet Oz, administrator of the Centers for Medicare &amp; Medicaid Services, in the Roosevelt Room of the White House in Washington, DC, US, on Monday, Sept. 22, 2025. Trump said his administration was linking acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol, to autism and urging pregnant women to largely avoid the medication. Photographer: Francis Chung/Politico/Bloomberg via Getty Images" width="865" height="576" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/dea60e29-a11e-4e96-8a5e-3a6f3ffdaef8-865x576.jpg 865w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/dea60e29-a11e-4e96-8a5e-3a6f3ffdaef8-300x200.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/dea60e29-a11e-4e96-8a5e-3a6f3ffdaef8-768x512.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/dea60e29-a11e-4e96-8a5e-3a6f3ffdaef8.jpg 1024w" sizes=" (max-width: 865px) 100vw, 865px" />Francis Chung/Politico/Bloomberg via Getty Images</div>
Dr. Oz, of course, does not have to tell the Amish not to do anything willy-nilly. The &#8220;Plain People&#8221; are among the most disciplined subcultures on the continent. Have you ever seen a willy-nilly Amish barn? We didn’t think so.
The president ended the briefing by telling the crowd that acetaminophen does cause harm.
To which Big Pharma quickly responded by saying, “Does not.”
To which Trump replied, saying, “Does too.”
Big Pharma: “Does not.”
Trump: “Does too.”
Big Pharma: “Does not.”
Trump: “Does too.”
The exchange went on for so long that the Legacy Media were forced to turn off their cameras and break for dinner before an agreement could be reached. Thankfully, the Amish in attendance had already prepared a hearty spread of meat and potatoes for all to enjoy.
The good news is, when it comes to quality shampoos and lotions that are good for your skin, you don’t have to wait for government officials to agree. 
<a href="https://www.jeremysrazors.com/">Jeremy’s</a> has the products that will make your skin and hair feel great again.

f6f34234-bcb3-448d-983d-96a16866283f

HHS Explores Link Between The Amish And Smooth Skin And Wavy Hair

Big Pharma

Daily Wire Shop

Department of Health and Human Services

Jeremy's

President Trump became the first American president to be hosted at a second state visit to Great Britain this week. The President was greeted with a parade of British soldiers wearing dress red uniforms and marching in perfect unison while ragtag American soldiers popped up from behind rocks and trees and shot at them until they surrendered.
Trump and his wife Melania were given a lavish state dinner at Windsor Castle. Trump told the other guests that he was astounded by the beauty of the castle, and said it was absolutely amazing what you could do with Legos.
The dinner was attended by many British dignitaries including Prime Minister Keir Starmer, who gave a brief toast in which he pledged to continue lowering the British voting age until the electorate was ignorant enough to keep the Labour party in power. 
Also at the Dinner was Education Minister Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa, the founder of the Fatwa Pre-School for the Grooming of Naughty but Strangely Alluring Little White Girls. The Education Minister presented Trump with a ceremonial scimitar which, luckily, just missed when the president turned his head at the last minute to point at a chart showing just how many Islamists he plans to deport after meeting Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa.
The dinner was also attended by the mayors of several major British cities, including Mayor Fatwa Mohammed Mohammed Fatwa, the mayor of Birming-al-hambra, and, of course, the mayor of London, Sadiq Khan Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa followed by several more Fatwas and Mohammeds.
The dinner began with a grace said by the Archbishop of Canterbury, who was then arrested for praying within 300 miles of an abortion clinic. Kemi Badenoch, the leader of Britain’s Conservative Party, called the arrest absurd, saying Britain was a Christian nation, after which she was arrested for violating the blasphemy laws. Keir Starmer explained that the U.K. absolutely has free speech but only as long as you talk silently to yourself and are not within 750 miles of an abortion clinic, where such talk could be mistaken for praying to the God of love and life, which would be offensive to the nation’s terrorists. Fortunately Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa did not hear Kemi Badenoch’s offensive remark because he was busy on the phone, arranging the sale of some of his pre-school students.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" class="size-large wp-image-974739 aligncenter" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/d8cec229c8de40eca355910d6e114663-1024x171.webp" alt="" width="1024" height="171" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/d8cec229c8de40eca355910d6e114663-1024x171.webp 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/d8cec229c8de40eca355910d6e114663-300x50.webp 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/d8cec229c8de40eca355910d6e114663-768x128.webp 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/d8cec229c8de40eca355910d6e114663-1536x256.webp 1536w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/09/d8cec229c8de40eca355910d6e114663-2048x341.webp 2048w" sizes=" (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></a>
King Charles III then gave a speech, in which he spoke warmly of the special relationship between the U.S. and the U.K., saying that the two nations shared many values, although he couldn’t name them for fear of being arrested. President Trump then rose and also gave a speech, saying that Great Britain was one of his favorite places in the middle east, even though he’d gotten a much nicer present from Qatar, who gave him a jet, while the British only gave him some cheap oil painting of Winston Churchill, which was then confiscated for spreading imperialist ideas that were offensive to the Muslims who were conquering the country.
The affair ended with Princess Kate and Melania Trump trying to decide who was more glamorous with an arm wrestling match. Princess Kate managed to pin the First Lady, but Melania responded by taking off that gigantic circular hat she wears and spinning it at Kate as if it were Oddjob’s derby in &#8220;Goldfinger.&#8221; Fortunately for relations between the two nations, Kate managed to duck, and the hat sailed past her and beheaded Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa, who congratulated the First Lady on mastering the essentials of sharia law.
After the dinner, Trump accompanied Prime Minister Starmer on a tour of factories and businesses that Labour has destroyed by their socialist policies. Trump said he was delighted to make the state visit, but said next time he had to come to one of these crap-hole countries, he hoped it would be someplace like Haiti, so at least he could get some sun.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

UK Hosts President Trump And First Lady Melania Trump For State Visit – Day Two

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