Recently, the news stories in the media have been coming so fast and furious they’re almost like a group of muscular bald men driving hot cars out of airplanes, landing them on top of other cars, and then driving away at high speed while firing a rocket launcher out the window&#8230; because they’re fast and… well, never mind.
Anyway, I began to wonder: how can the news media report all this news in a way that reflects the outlooks of Americans everywhere across this great land, from the pine forests of Vermont to the golden wheat fields of Kansas, across the vast expanses of Texas to the sun-baked beaches of the Pacific Coast? So I decided I would take a look at the headlines of news outlets from 40th Street in Manhattan all the way to 47th Street — because that’s about all of them.
So for instance, in the news, inflation slowed to its lowest rate in more than four years.
Here’s the headline from The Wall Street Journal: &#8220;Trump’s Tariffs to Cause Massive Inflation Very, Very Soon, Experts Who Predicted Massive Inflation Because of Trump’s Tariffs Very Soon Say.&#8221;
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Here’s One From The New York Times: &#8220;Hardworking Migrant Juan Ortega May Lose His Chicken Farm as Trump’s Policies Cause the Bottom to Fall Out of Egg Prices.&#8221;
And here’s the Report from NPR: &#8220;How Lower Inflation Spurred the Rise of Hitler,&#8221; a historical report read by a person with a very soft, sleepy voice that will make you want to hurt yourself just to make it stop.
Another news story: Trump negotiated a ceasefire between hostile nuclear powers India and Pakistan.
From The Wall Street Journal: &#8220;Nuclear Devastation Averted, Leaving Millions Alive to Suffer Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs, Experts who Predicted Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs Say.&#8221;
Or from The New York Times: &#8220;Environmentalists Worry that Trump’s Reckless Actions on the Indian Subcontinent Will Leave Earth’s Population at Levels Sure to Cause Devastating Climate Change.&#8221;
Or the story as reported by NBC News: &#8220;Biden’s Policy of Mindlessly Prolonging Foreign Wars to No Effect Finally Pays Big Dividends by Bringing Peace Deal Between India and Pakistan.&#8221;
In other news, Trump negotiated the release of Edan Alexander, the last living American hostage being held by vampiric Palestinian monsters.
The headline in The Wall Street Journal reads: &#8220;Released Hostage Finds Himself in a World Soon to be Wracked by Massive Inflation Caused by Trump’s Tariffs, According to Experts.&#8221;
The New York Times headline was: &#8220;Sad Little Palestinian Boy Jihad Muhammed Sharia Jihad Jihad Muhammed Sheds Sad Tears of Very Sad Sadness as Genocidal Israelis Steal the Wonderful Friend his Parents Kept Chained up for Him in the Basement.&#8221;
And of course, CNN featured an interview with a Columbia University professor who once read part of a book on Israel and says the Jews sound genocidal to him until Scott Jennings knocks him unconscious and jumps up and down on his face.
Then there was the news that Donald Trump had negotiated several trillion dollars in American investment from Saudi Arabia.
The Wall Street Journal reported the story with the headline: &#8220;Saudis Want to Invest in America but Whoa Nellie, Just Wait Till They See the Massive Inflation that’s Going to be Caused by Trump’s Tariffs Any Day Now, Experts Say.&#8221;
The Headline in The New York Times reads: &#8220;Sad Yale Historian Who Studies Fascism Says He Is Leaving America Because Trump’s Presidency Will Look Just Like Fascism as Soon as It Looks Like Fascism.&#8221;
And CBS reported: &#8220;Weak Trump Caves to Saudi Demands that he take their Money.&#8221;
In other news, Trump struck a deal with China to free us from their hammerlock on our supply lines, brought down drug prices, bombed the Houthis into submission, opened U.K. markets to American farmers, made progress on a nuclear deal with Iran, and the headlines say….. oh, screw it.
***
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

Donald Trump, Qatari Emir Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani

Trump’s Global Triumphs Cause Inflation Apocalypse, Say Analysts Cheering For Inflation Apocalypse

Andrew Klavan

Donald Trump

Economy

Foreign Policy

Inflation

Legacy Media

Satire

Tariffs

To prove that Donald Trump is a very mean person while journalists are totally compassionate and loving, CNN has aired a sympathetic interview with a member of a Mexican drug cartel. 
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you marvelous merchant of magical mirth, only you could invent a scenario in which a Left-wing news outlet sinks so deeply into the bubbling tarpit of its own twisted political hatred that the lunatic idea of legitimizing a death-mongering gangster could wend its way through every level of internal decision-making without one voice of even semi-decency speaking up to say, “Wait, wait, we can’t allow our childish demonization of our political opponents to twist our souls into gnarled burnt offerings fit only for the altars of hell so that we actually call evil good and good evil right there on cable TV in front of our six or seven viewers.”
But no, my friends, I am not making this up.
CNN girl reporter Shapely Nudnick actually traveled to a Mexican hideout where she spoke sympathetically with a masked member of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, whose former boss El Chapo was said to be personally responsible for the deaths of over 34,000 people.
Ms. Nudnick, winner of this year’s Pulitzer prize for most attractive backside, fetchingly leaned forward and asked the masked gangster – and as God is my witness, I am not making this up, “According to the Trump Administration, you are a terrorist … What do you make of that?”
The masked member of the murderous cartel responded, “I don’t like to get overly emotional because my job depends on inspiring terror in anyone who tries to stand in my way, but I must be honest and tell you this slur from your President Trump hurt my feelings very deeply. I am just a man trying to make a living in this crazy world, and when I heard I had been labeled a terrorist, my hands were literally shaking so hard I could barely shove a screwdriver into the face of one of my rivals. I respect President Trump, and respect is very important because people who don’t return my respect are often found inside plastic bags in several different locations. But a man must eat and, to be fair, our customers are mostly in the United States and as any good businessman will tell you, you have to go where the customers are and then slowly poison them to death. I hope the American people will push back against this insult, and if they don’t, I know where they live.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a> </h3>
CNN has proudly announced that this interview is only the first in a new series of self-degrading acts of pure evil that will appear over the course of the Trump Presidency, and they’ve been airing tantalizing previews of future episodes. In one clip, Shapely Nudnik bravely travels to an undisclosed elementary school to interview a pedophile teacher who says, “I think it’s very cruel for people to demonize someone they don’t even know with ugly words like pervert and evil scum-sucking hell-fiend. I just thank heavens I belong to a teachers’ union where they support the idea that minor attracted persons can work at an elementary school. After all, that’s where the children are, not to mention the porn.” 
In another clip, Miss Nudnick scores an interview with former Nazi torture doctor Joseph Mengele who says, “It’s true I used to perform grotesque and unspeakable medical experiments on children, but I’ve totally reformed, and now I’m supplying kids with gender affirming care, because I’ve had a lot of practice, and that’s what I’m good at.” 
In other Left-wing media news, the Pulitzer committee has awarded its prize for photography to a picture of a bullet flying at President Trump’s head. Committee Chairman Thaddeus Foul-heart said, “We know that other photo of a wounded Trump raising his fist with the American flag in the background is the single most iconic image of the first quarter of this century, but that photo inspired love and admiration for our president, whereas we were rooting for the bullet.”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

CNN Airs Heartfelt Sit-Down With Masked Cartel Hitman

Humor

interview

Mexico

President Trump

Sinaloa Cartel

Terrorism

Democrats have been trying to come up with a fresh, original way to express their political positions and this week they finally found one: a sit-in! An idea so fresh and original, no one has thought of it since 1968, when leftism was still cool — because everyone was taking hallucinogens, so not only was leftism cool but there was also a giant pink rat eating your feet while you screamed for mercy.
The twelve hour sit-in on the steps of the Capitol came on the heels of an eight hour sleep-in where individual protestors expressed their views by lying unconscious on their beds at home for an entire night, followed by a 45 minute eat-in where the group gathered at various coffee shops and restaurants to defiantly drink coffee and eat some eggs and bacon with buttered toast and maybe a touch of strawberry jam. They then proceeded to the Capitol steps and, in a stunningly brave statement of opposition to something or other, actually sat down and continued sitting, in a way that would have made it very difficult for people to walk up the Capitol steps if they hadn’t been on their way to Michigan for the Trump rally.
The event was intended to inspire more support for Democrat policies like allowing gangster illegals to remain in our country, cutting the testicles off little boys so their mentally ill parents can pretend they’re girls, reading perverse pornography to kindergartners in public schools, and destroying our energy supplies and replacing them with gigantic windmills so that when China takes us over, they won’t have any electricity either.
To raise the inspiration level to even greater heights, the sit-in included a homosexual rabbi who led a sing-along while everyone around him joined in by averting their eyes and pretending they were someplace else where something different was happening.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
After the sing-along, Cory Booker, the Senator from the state of completely ridiculous, made a speech to the imaginary multitude who would have been there had they not been on their way to Michigan. Booker said: “First of all, I want to thank the rabbi for violating every Old Testament precept to show his support for homosexuality today. It takes tremendous courage for a Jewish man to stand up in opposition to the law God gave to Moses since in the past that has never worked out very well. Even now, there’s a man with a ‘Free Palestine’ sign sitting right behind him so things are not looking good because, as we all know, the Palestinians would happily behead the homosexual rabbi and everyone he loves given half a chance. And so thank you for your courage, homosexual rabbi, and I say this even though I myself am not at all homosexual. In fact, I have a girlfriend in Canada where I sometimes visit her to have sex in a very manly male to female way that it is not homosexual at all. Because I am Spartacus, or at least I enjoy wearing a short leather skirt and prancing around without my shirt on, which amounts to the same thing in my book, a book that should be read to every five-year-old in public schools across this country so we can begin to change our culture until I don’t have to live this lie anymore. But in the meantime, let me just say: This is a moral moment. And no, I don’t know what that means exactly either, but it makes me sound very strong and masculine, so I guess it’s sort of like having a girlfriend in Canada. And in a moral moment like this moral moment, it is time for everyone to sit down like we’re doing here today and then continue sitting down until we have been sitting down for a very long time. That will surely improve the messaging for our insane and evil policies.”
After Booker’s stirring speech, the sit-in continued for another half hour, during which President Trump deported more gangsters, killed more terrorists, brought down prices, isolated China, ended government censorship, dismantled racialist hiring practices, protected women’s sports and lifted an ABC anchorman by the ankles then dipped his head in tar. But the sit-in was important too.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

Sen. Booker And Minority Leader Rep. Jeffries Hold Sit-In On Capitol Steps

Cory Booker Leads Sing-Along On Capitol Steps

Congress

Cory Booker

Democrats

U.S. Capitol

I believe that America’s core ideals are very much linked to its Christian faith. So as Easter has just passed, I thought this would be a good time to take a closer look at the state of the American church and then weep quietly and say it was a great country while it lasted.
Now, according to a Pew poll, 62% of Americans identify as Christian. This is a slight drop from the 1697 poll which showed 99.9% of Americans were Christian with one heretic hiding in the woods hoping some long-haired guy with a buckle on his hat wouldn’t blow his head off with a blunderbuss.
But today’s religious landscape looks different depending on political affiliation. For instance, on the political Left, 43% of those who identify as progressives say they have abandoned Christianity and become Episcopalians. Fourteen percent of progressives say they have renounced the corrupt beliefs of colonizing white men, have returned to the innocent and beautiful natural religion of indigenous peoples, and were preparing to sacrifice a virgin to the volcano God until they realized that by the time they were sure she was a virgin, she wasn’t a virgin anymore, and if they threw her into a volcano there’d be no one left who knew how to make breakfast.
Other progressives say they are sick of the sort of restrictive religions that ruined the 1950’s by making everything so great. Instead they have turned to more modern faiths with practices that reflect the moral progress of mankind. These practices include yogic meditation, ritual mindfulness, and tantric sex followed by butchering any unborn babies conceived during tantric sex, then celebrating the mass slaughter by dancing around a pole in a wild blood-drenched frenzy, getting a full body tattoo featuring goat-headed demi-gods with flaming eyes, then running naked through a forest while grunting inarticulately and listening to music that’s mostly composed of drumbeats and shrieking because classic rock is just the best.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Among Christians on the political Right, 17% say they believe in Christ so hard they’ll kill anyone who disagrees with them, 14% say their faith is so strong they might even be willing to go to church as long as porn is provided, and 8% say their worship mostly involves posting unspeakably cruel remarks on social media to people who aren’t as Christly as they are. Four percent of conservative Christians say they have abandoned their own egos for Christ’s sake and have thus elevated their souls into a state of suffering-yet-serene agape love, and are now hiding in the woods hoping some long-haired guy with a buckle on his hat won’t blow their heads off with a blunderbuss.
The remaining 57% of Right-wing Christians spend most of their time sobbing and whispering, “Oh God, I suck so bad, please, please, please have mercy on me and don’t send me to hell or California.”
As far as other American religions go, 94% of limousine drivers identify as Muslims, 16% of Christian women pretend they’re Buddhists, and 82% of Jews control 90% of everything except which parts of Ivy League campuses they’re allowed to walk on without one of their professors pointing at them and making that awful insect noise like Donald Sutherland at the end of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”
Approximately 29% of Americans have no religion whatsoever and they say that makes life much easier because they&#8217;re able to rotate their heads 360 degrees and spider walk across the ceiling, which comes in very handy when they’re trying to escape from the exorcist.
Around the world, the religious landscape is much more varied. For instance, in Great Britain, while 47% of the people identify as Christian, 70% of them say that Islam is also absolutely great, totally fine, really wonderful and not a problem at all, no, really, it’s fantastic, they’re not just saying that because they’d be arrested for telling the truth.
In France, 49% of the population were excited because they thought they belonged to a dark, obscure, mystery cult with elaborate secret rituals until they found out they were actually just Catholics.
And in China, 23% of high-ranking Communists identify their kidneys as Uiger.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

US-ENTERTAINMENT-FILM-FESTIVAL-CARTOON-COMICCON-RELIGION

Progressives Abandon Christianity, Become Episcopalian

Bible

Christianity

Conservatives

Easter

Episcopal Church

Progressivism

In an act of heroic defiance against the oppressive tyranny of Donald Trump, the leadership of Harvard University has bravely declared that, no matter what pressure Trump brings against them, they will not surrender their constitutional right to be the worst people in the country.
The conflict between the university and the administration began after hundreds of Harvard students flooded the campus calling for genocide against the Jews. Further investigation suggested the students may have picked up their antisemitic ideas from what they learned in such Harvard classes as Studies in Antisemitism in which the final exam required students to flood the campus and call for genocide against the Jews. Finally, then-Harvard president Claudine Gay refused to denounce the antisemitic actions and was forced to resign when the board discovered she wasn’t really gay, that just happened to be her name.
Trump reacted cruelly, threatening to deprive Harvard of billions of dollars in federal funding if the University administration does not at least try to demonstrate they possess something vaguely resembling human decency. In order to keep the federal dollars flowing, Trump says, Harvard’s leadership and faculty would have to (one) stop hating Jews, (two), stop teaching their students to hate Jews and (three), hire professors who will introduce students to ideas other than hating Jews or at least hint that such ideas exist or at least refrain from screaming at the students and calling them names when they wonder aloud whether such ideas might exist or if the whole intellectual world resembles the flaming hate-filled hellscape of Harvard University.
But Harvard’s current President, Adolf Ratbag, declares that he absolutely refuses to let a fascist like Trump bully him into humane behavior. In a statement that sounded better in the original German, President Ratbag shook his fist at Shlomo Judenstein, an invisible imaginary enemy who has followed him around since childhood, and shouted, “In a free society, our greatest university cannot compromise our right to sink into a morass of intellectual degradation based on false premises. We have a sacred responsibility to mold America’s best and brightest into dark, gnarled souls reminiscent of images of the damned in medieval paintings of the Last Judgement. It was one thing when Obama insisted we deprive male students of their due process rights whenever they got accused of sexual malfeasance by some girl who once got so drunk she slept with the entire crew team. It was another thing when Biden declared that Title IX required us to give equal treatment to women and men who say they’re women and a pair of poodles who were dressed up in pink sweaters and adorable fluffy hats by a six-year-old who wanted to pretend they were women. At least, those demands were in keeping with our undying commitment to sexual perversity and moral turpitude. But when a thug like Trump demands we have to replace our sterling array of professors who are morally deformed leftist troglodytes with teachers dedicated to shaping young minds to the good, he has crossed the line. As far as we’re concerned, Trump would be worse than Adolf Hitler, if Adolf Hitler were a bad guy.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
To further demonstrate the university’s heroically unyielding stance, Professor Ratbag released this year’s Harvard syllabus to the media. The syllabus promises that the university will continue to provide such classes as Western Civilization 101, What it is and how to destroy it; Introduction to Shakespeare and the King James Bible, How they can light our way if only we set them on fire; and Giving Up Whiteness, in which students will stop using any device invented by a white male beginning on the first day of class at noon and ending around 12:05 because, let’s face it, those bastards invented everything.
The Trump administration says it will continue to withhold funds until Harvard not only changes the syllabus, but also cancels a planned musical based on Mein Kampf and changes the school slogan back to “Veritas” instead of “Look Out, There’s a Jew Sneaking Up Behind You!”
Pledging resistance, President Ratbag and his administration have taken refuge in an underground bunker where they plan to watch the movie “Downfall” over and over in the hope it inspires them with some fresh ideas.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

TOPSHOT-US-ISRAEL-PALESTINIAN-CONFLICT-PROTEST

Harvard President, Adolf Ratbag, Refuses To Allow Trump To Bully Him Into Humane Behavior

Anti-Semitism

Harvard

Israel

Ivy League

Jewish

Pro-Hamas

Some people feel that the news media reacted to Trump’s tariff strategy like an hysterical woman who imagines she saw a mouse in her bedroom and leaps up onto a chair shrieking insanely until her husband rushes out of the bathroom where he’s been locked away with his iPad for the last two hours and tells her to calm the hell down which only makes her more upset so she starts babbling incoherently that it’s not about the mouse, it’s about the fact that she feels neglected, whereupon her husband breaks down and admits he’s been struggling with a porn addiction which makes her start sobbing uncontrollably because now she feels unattractive on top of everything else and the husband says, well, excuse me, but I have to go back to struggling with my porn addiction and locks himself in the bathroom again so that the woman totally flies off the handle, sets the house on fire and runs into the street screaming about Trump’s tariff strategy — until a doctor arrives and gives her a bunch of sedatives, proving that men never take women seriously because they sound just like the news media. Other people feel the news media reacted to Trump’s strategy more like a man who is locked in the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and suddenly realizes his house is on fire.
Now personally, I worry that this open distrust of American journalism may cause many people to have negative feelings about the most corrupt and destructive industry in the country. So let’s take a look at some of these tariff news reports and you can judge for yourself — or just let me judge for you, which will probably work out better for everyone.
In one example, the New York Times, a former newspaper, greeted the tariffs with a headline in 147 point type, reading: “Reee Reee Reee. Look out! Trump is Creeping Up Behind You! He May Already be Inside the House! Run for Your Life! Reee Reee Reee!”
Conversely, the Wall Street Journal, which was a newspaper until much more recently, greeted the turmoil in the stock market with a thoughtful op-ed by Milburn Pennybags, the CEO of the famous investment firm Sacks of Goldman. Mr. Pennybags wrote: “I don’t want to hear about some imaginary division between Wall Street and Main Street. We’re all together in this as Americans, each one doing his part, whether he&#8217;s helping to decrease the surplus population by overdosing on opiates in the gutter of a deserted street in what was once a thriving factory town or he’s sailing his yacht from one sun-drenched tax haven to another while panicking over the fact that he lost half a percent of the $400 billion he earned doing what looks for all the world like absolutely nothing. The fact is: Trump is destroying an economy that, to my mind, has been good for absolutely everyone, because to my mind, I am absolutely everyone.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Administration officials have maintained that Trump is trying to revolutionize a financial system that has left the U.S. at the mercy of the oppressive Communist regime in China. But NBC News’s Chinese Correspondent Ai Hei Chu disagreed. In a report from a submarine off the coast of Greenland, Chu said, “The financial system has been working wonderfully for decades, facilitating friendly relations between the United States and our much wiser overlords in Beijing. Without them, our iPhones would cost much more money and we would not be able to distract ourselves with soul-deadening videos while hostile foreigners take over our food and medical supplies. I even think we are well prepared for a potential war with China, as long as China will sell us enough bullets.”
CNN’s tariff reaction went viral after it was posted on X with the caption, “Conservative Scott Jennings slaughters, dismembers and buries the body parts of clueless liberal commentator.” The accompanying video showed CNN commentator Libby Clueless saying, “I think tariffs are just like Hitler because they’re German and have a small mustache,” whereupon Scott Jennings hurled himself across the desk, slaughtered her, dismembered her and was in the process of burying her body parts when he was apprehended and appointed assistant Treasury Secretary.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

TOPSHOT-US-POLITICS-TRUMP

Journalists And Other Democrats Lose Their Minds Over Tariffs

journalists

Opinion

Trust in the news media has dropped so far that after people watch Margaret Brennan on “Face the Nation,” they check their wrist to make sure she hasn’t stolen their watch. A new Gallup poll shows that 53% of Americans believe journalists are two-faced, lying dirtbags who have sunk so low they could walk under a snake’s belly with a top hat on. 36% say they couldn’t do it with a top hat but probably could with a derby or maybe a fedora. The remaining 11% say they watched the news just last night and think journalists are great, or maybe that was “Matlock” and they mean lawyers.
The White House Correspondents Association — or White House Correspondents Ass, for short — became concerned over the media’s falling popularity after White House Smokeshow Karoline Leavitt announced that, from now on, new media reporters would get front row seats at press briefings, while legacy reporters would be required to stand in the corner and repeat, “I will not lie about the president,” 400 times before they can ask a question, and even then can only ask it silently in their minds. 
The President of the White House Correspondents ASS Mr. Schmuckface McLowlife protested Miss Leavitt’s decision and said he would do anything to be allowed to sit close to her again or just to have a garment that still smelled of her perfume. Miss Leavitt responded, “Get the hell away from me, you creep,” which Mr. McLowlife took as a good sign, since at least she acknowledged his existence.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
In an attempt to win back the good will of the public, journalists have hired a new spokesman, the accomplished hypnotist Swami Origami Umami, who is so excited to make the journalists’ case that he’s taken a pay cut from his former job of running the three card monte game off the top of a cardboard box outside the Port Authority Bus Terminal in Manhattan.
The Daily Wire interviewed Swami Umami, and we’re pleased to publish the transcript of that Q and A.
Q: Swami Umami, after the news media actively covered up Joe Biden’s dementia, why should anyone trust them ever again?
A: Concentrate on the tip of my finger. Listen to the sound of my voice. Sleep now. And when I snap my finger, you will awake knowing that the news media was dogged in bringing the truth to the American public. Here’s a new book by Jake Tapper that explains how he and other intrepid journalists uncovered Biden’s dementia. Would Jake Tapper write such a book if it weren’t true? Of course not.
Q: Yes, I guess Jake really did try to find out… No, wait, wait, that’s ridiculous. He lied like a dog, so did the rest of the press corps. And what about the Russian Collusion hoax? The news media held up the country for two years with that garbage even though they knew it was a psy-op by the Clinton campaign in league with a corrupt FBI and CIA.
A: Think of a rippling lagoon beneath a gently whispering waterfall. Imagine the steady plashing of the water as you drift into a peaceful trance. Now look: The New York Times and the Washington Post won Pulitzer Prizes for their work on Russian Collusion. Repeat after me: The Pulitzer Prize is very prestigious. They wouldn’t give it to newspapers who were perpetrating a hoax out of political malice. 
Q: Yes, of course, they don’t just give Pulitzer Prizes for… no, no, no, no. This is nonsense. The Pulitzer is just as corrupt as the Times and the Post. And what about how the media covered COVID. They made a hero out of Anthony Fauci while he was covering up his own role in the deaths of millions, then demonized far better doctors who were trying to get out the truth.
A: Look at my watch, swinging back and forth on its chain. The media battled Right-wing misinformation to bring Americans the truth about COVID.
Q: Yes, yes, I see now. Our news media is totally honest and has been doing a great job. Thank you, Swami Umami.
A: You’re welcome. Now, just relax. Let go of all your freedoms. And quack like a duck.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

Old fashioned psychiatrist swinging pocket watch for hypnosis

Journalists Hire Hypnotist To Convince Public They’re Not Lying Dirtbags

Karoline Leavitt

Leftists

Media Bias

White House

White House Correspondents Association

Late-Night TV may never be the same.
HBO’s John Oliver, host of “Last Week Tonight,” is facing a <a href="https://nypost.com/2025/04/01/media/healthcare-exec-sues-john-oliver-for-defamation-over-toilet-hygiene-rant/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">new defamation lawsuit</a> from health care executive Dr. Brian Morley who claims the comedian slurred him “for ratings and profits.” 
In an April 2024 telecast, Oliver played an alleged audio clip of Morley at an administrative hearing <a href="https://ew.com/john-oliver-sued-by-healthcare-official-he-called-out-on-last-week-tonight-11708201" target="_blank" rel="noopener">saying</a>, “People have bowel movements every day where they don’t completely clean themselves and we don’t fuss over [them] too much. People are allowed to be dirty … You know, I would allow him to be a little dirty for a couple of days.”
Oliver’s immediate on-air response: “F*** that doctor with a rusty canoe! I hope he gets tetanus of the balls.”
Morley’s lawyer claims the recording was altered by the program.
Suing comedians for telling the wrong jokes seems an uphill legal battle at best. The First Amendment allows for plenty of creative embellishments, although Oliver’s comments proved highly specific and potentially damaging to the doctor’s reputation.
The courts will have the final say on the matter.
Should Dr. Morley emerge victorious it could have a much larger impact. Yes, “Last Week Tonight” would take a sizable hit, but consider the big picture.
What if other satirical comics have to watch what they say moving forward? Will they require fact-checkers on set? Should Stephen Colbert run his anti-Republican rants by CBS Legal before hitting the stage each night?
Comedians have considerable leeway when it comes to political satire as opposed to everyday citizens. Those wide guardrails matter, allowing for satirists to skewer elected officials without fear of political ramifications.
How far is too far, though? Thanks to the sorry state of modern late night TV, the question matters more than ever.
<div id="attachment_903043" style="width: 874px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-903043" class="size-large wp-image-903043" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-2176959872-864x576.jpg" alt="NEW YORK CITY - OCTOBER 8: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and guest Vice President Kamala Harris during Tuesday's October 8, 2024 show. (Photo by Scott Kowalchyk/CBS via Getty Images)" width="864" height="576" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-2176959872-864x576.jpg 864w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-2176959872-300x200.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-2176959872-768x512.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-2176959872.jpg 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 864px) 100vw, 864px" />Scott Kowalchyk/CBS via Getty Images</div>
The hosts in question, however, bend the truth so regularly it’s often unrecognizable. It’s not a bug but a feature. Yes, Legacy Media outlets warp reality in damning ways, too. The list of Fake News narratives continues to grow in the Age of Trump.
Colbert and co. often walk in lockstep with their journalist pals.
Look no further than the Russian Collusion Hoax™. Yes, the media fed that narrative beast for far too long, but late-night hosts parroted even the most extreme collusion talking points while assuming they had the goods on President Donald Trump.
They didn’t.
CBS’s Colbert hit the lowest low when he called President Donald Trump Vladimir Putin’s <a href="https://www.aclu.org/news/free-speech/you-cant-say-television-colbert-edition" target="_blank" rel="noopener">BLEEP holster.</a> in one incendiary monologue. He also played up the Fake News story known to many as the Trump “pee-pee tape.”
The litigious world leader could have had something to say about that.
Colbert and fellow far-Left host Jimmy Kimmel also defended President Joe Biden from accusations, later confirmed, that he was suffering from dementia-like conditions during the 2024 presidential campaign. Both comedians had seen Biden up close during separate fundraising events.
They must have witnessed his diminished state firsthand. They didn’t share what they saw with their audiences, and Kimmel took that a step further. He used his “Jimmy Kimmel Live” bully pulpit to call anyone who said Biden froze up during his <a href="https://www.tvinsider.com/1140442/joe-biden-freezing-video-fundraiser-jimmy-kimmel/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">fundraising effort a liar</a>.
The projection was strong that night.
Other hosts have taken the media’s warped baton and run with it. Take the host of NBC’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” The “Saturday Night Live” alum skewered President Trump in 2017 for <a href="https://time.com/4705083/seth-meyers-trump-meals-on-wheels-budget-cuts/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">gutting</a> the “Meals on Wheels” program.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/fake-news-did-trump-just-kill-meals-wheels-not-ben-shapiro" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Except Trump didn’t.</a>
Meyers also played down the rampant violence spreading in Portland in 2020, as did some press outlets, in ways that felt like propaganda, not satire. And he wasn’t alone.
<div id="attachment_903053" style="width: 874px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-903053" class="size-large wp-image-903053" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1248172738-864x576.jpg" alt="LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS -- Episode 1405 -- Pictured: (l-r) Comedian John Oliver during an interview with host Seth Meyers on March 13, 2023 -- (Photo by: Lloyd Bishop/NBC via Getty Images)" width="864" height="576" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1248172738-864x576.jpg 864w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1248172738-300x200.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1248172738-768x512.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1248172738.jpg 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 864px) 100vw, 864px" />Lloyd Bishop/NBC via Getty Images</div>
Oliver also downplayed the ongoing violence swirling around parts of Portland, <a href="https://www.hollywoodintoto.com/john-oliver-media-portland-violence/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">serving up this epic distortion</a>.
“Protests had been mostly peaceful there… it’s about one block that was actually starting to see fewer confrontations between protesters and police before federal agents moved in.”
Fake News? It’s beyond debate. But is it worth suing over? That’s where the conversation gets sticky.
What about late-night alum Amber Ruffin? She briefly hosted an ill-fated talk show on Peacock and has written for “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” Ruffin recently cited the serially debunked <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/amber-ruffin-dropped-white-house-correspondents-dinner-response_n_67eb51c2e4b0ff137ab490b4" target="_blank" rel="noopener">“Very Fine People” hoax</a> anew during a late-night chat to smite President Trump.
Said hoax claims Trump praised Neo Nazis following a 2017 Charlottesville rally which left one woman dead. The lie proved so brazen even Snopes called it out (albeit several years after the lie gained cultural ground).
It’s not just late-night comedy, of course. Comedians use their considerable platforms to spread lies that could be seen as libelous.
Take <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/bill-burr-goes-full-ahole?row=0&amp;elementPosition=undefined&amp;rowType=Vertical+List&amp;author=Ben+Shapiro&amp;title=Bill+Burr+Goes+Full+A**hole&amp;category=News" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Bill Burr</a>, who insinuated Kyle Rittenhouse was a White Supremacist during his Netflix special “Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill.”
<div id="attachment_903055" style="width: 730px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-903055" class="size-large wp-image-903055" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1428254659-720x576.jpg" alt="BURBANK, CALIFORNIA - SEPTEMBER 27: Comedian Bill Burr performs at the Bob Golub Stand-up For Deaf, Hard Of Hearing Fundraiser at Flappers Comedy Club and Restaurant Burbank on September 27, 2022 in Burbank, California. (Photo by Michael S. Schwartz/Getty Images)" width="720" height="576" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1428254659-720x576.jpg 720w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1428254659-300x240.jpg 300w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1428254659-768x614.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/04/GettyImages-1428254659.jpg 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px" />Michael S. Schwartz/Getty Images</div>
Rittenhouse shot three people, killing two and injuring one during a 2020 fracas tied to the BLM protests. A court of law found him innocent, agreeing with his self-defense explanation. Elements of the press and the Left insisted his actions were racist, even though his victims were white and they couldn’t pin any racially-charged comments to the young man.
Burr picked up that false narrative, saying Rittenhouse was a <a href="https://www.hollywoodintoto.com/bill-burr-kyle-rittenhouse-white-supremacist/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">White Supremacist.</a>
“You gotta drop me off like two blocks away so my other racist friends don’t see my mommy drove me,” he cracked in the special, channeling Rittenhouse.
Comedians have more leeway when it comes to politicians, but no one elected Rittenhouse to elected office.
There’s a better solution here, one that doesn’t require legal challenges for First Amendment squabbles. A healthy, robust press would let viewers know that much of what’s said on late-night TV just isn’t true.
Journalists routinely regurgitate late-night jokes. They do the same with “Saturday Night Live” skits. That’s all well and good, but that practice is hollow if it doesn’t include fact checking when appropriate.
If comedians knew they’ve be held accountable for twisting the truth into so many pretzels, they might crack smarter gags that actually speak truth to power.
* * *
Christian Toto is an award-winning journalist, movie critic and editor of <a href="https://www.hollywoodintoto.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">HollywoodInToto.com</a>. He previously served as associate editor with Breitbart News’ Big Hollywood. Follow him at <a href="https://www.hollywoodintoto.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">HollywoodInToto.com</a>.
The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

76th Primetime Emmy Awards – Show

The People Versus John Oliver: The Murky Ethics Of Modern Comedy

Comedy

Entertainment

John Oliver

Lawsuit

U.S. Politics

Woke Culture

As we all know, in last November’s presidential election, Donald Trump defeated what’s-her-name and left Democrats trailing Republicans in popularity by a margin of approximately everybody to nothing. Now, Democrats are trying to find a new way forward that does not involve finding a new way forward. Democrat National Committee Chairman Mao Tse Muhammed Jihad Vladimir Muhammed Allahu Akbar Stalin Jihad Mohammed recently addressed the subject in a speech entitled “How Can They Hate Us When We’re So Hep?” The Speech was delivered to the annual meeting of the Future Illegal Alien Terrorists Who Hate America of America, or the FIATWHA – and then another A. Mr. Jihad, who goes by the name of Miss Jihad and uses the pronouns He and Be, as in the sentence “He be giving me the heebee geebees,” told the gathering, “It’s time to face up to the truth. We Democrats instigated fatal riots and then pretended they weren’t happening, we opened our borders to criminals and terrorists and pretended that wasn’t happening, we sexually mutilated children in the name of a perverted fantasy, we censored anyone who disagreed with us and tried to put our political opponents in jail, and we acted with such weakness and incompetence overseas that it inspired our enemies to begin wars in both Europe and the Middle East. Now we must ask ourselves, since we’re doing everything perfectly according to plan, why the hell doesn’t the public love us like they should?”
In an attempt to refresh the party’s image, the Democrats have turned to 83-year-old Senator Bernie Sanders, a man who lived through the Communist gulags of Russia, the Communist enslavement of Eastern Europe, the Communist slaughter in China, and the Communist genocide in Cambodia without once changing his opinion that Communism works great, especially in Norway, where they don’t have it. Sanders has been declared the new face of the Democrat party and has been teamed up with Alexandria Ocasio Cortez who has been declared the new rack of the Democrat party. Asked about this arrangement, Sheldon Whitehouse, the Junior Senator from the State of Unbelievable Corruption, said “With Bernie Sanders as our new face and AOC as our new rack we will have a hideous old face with a great rack and that’s a winning combination because when you have a great rack, no one looks at your face.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1223-stuck-in-the-story">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Sanders and AOC have been traveling the country staging what they call the “Rally in Favor of a Failed Economic System that has led to Enslavement and Mass Murder Wherever it’s Been Tried but For Some Reason we still Think Is Great.”
The rallies generally open with a ringing speech from Sanders who tells the crowd, “I happen to believe that billionaires should pay their fair share of utterly useless programs that nonetheless convince poor people to vote for us even as their states and cities descend into apocalyptic dysfunction because of those same programs. I happen to believe that socialism has worked really great, especially in Norway. And I happen to believe that what I happen to believe should happen to matter to every person who happens to care what an octogenarian Communist just happens to believe. And by the way, here’s AOC and, golly, will you look at the rack on that woman.”
When Sanders finishes his speech, he turns the microphone over to AOC who says, “I’ve come here today to say completely nonsensical things in a loud shrill voice full of make-believe sincerity. All across this country, I see people left behind by capitalism for no other reason than that they don’t work or contribute to society in any way. It isn’t fair. Well, okay, it actually is kind of fair, but it isn’t right. And even if it is right, I think there are enough total wastrels who feel entitled to a portion of the wealth created by other people that we might have enough votes to turn this country around. And hey, my eyes are up here. Why aren’t you looking in my eyes?”
So far the rallies have been filled with thousands of cheering people, most of them Republicans who feel they’ll never lose an election again.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

Senate Holds Confirmation Hearings For HHS Secretary Nominee Robert Kennedy

Democrats Turn To 83-Year-Old Communist Bernie Sanders For Image Makeover

Bernie Sanders

Communism

Islamic Jihad

A federal judge in Washington DC has attempted to block the president from deporting illegal alien members of a murderous Venezuelan prison gang. No, really. President Trump had the planeload of tattooed murderers flown off to El Salvador, citing the Alien Enemies Act of 1798. The act, passed by the American founders, allows the president to summarily deport illegal alien rapist murderers but only in the unlikely event a mean-spirited corruptocrat suffering from dementia should one day become president and allow said murderers to cross the border in droves at the behest of anti-American leftist conspirators while the media pretends it isn&#8217;t happening because the only book any of them has ever read is by a communist named Howard Zinn who believes the United States should never have existed in the first place. The founding fathers were nothing if not far-sighted. 
However, federal District Judge Rufus T. Shnooklepuss declared that Trump did not have the authority to deport illegal aliens who are members of one of the most violent gangs on the face of the earth, and ordered that the gangsters&#8217; plane be immediately returned to the United States or, failing that, an alternative group of alien gangsters should be found to replace the ones who were deported, or, failing that, an equal number of American gangsters should be taught to speak Spanish and armed with guns and axes so that the crimes the Venezuelan gangsters would have committed do not go undone. 
Judge Shnooklepuss told the administration, “It is absolutely outrageous that a group of perfectly innocent illegal aliens should be accused of being violent gang-members on the basis of no more evidence than the screaming skull tattoos on their eyeballs and the t-shirts bearing the words ‘I joined a Venezuelan prison gang and all I got was this lousy t-shirt plus the $15,000 I collected from apartment dwellers outside of Denver after their landlord fell off the roof in seven different pieces.’” 
The judge continued, saying, “These gangsters came to our country to build a better life for themselves and their families by doing the atrocities American gangsters won’t do. And it is completely unacceptable that the president should simply toss them out on the basis of an outmoded 18th century law we no longer respect or follow like the Alien Enemies Act or the Constitution. This is not a country of crinkly old laws passed by men who wore wigs and wrote with feathers. This is a new, woke, modern country of 4,000 page laws that no one including the Supreme Court has ever read but which are enforced by unelected bureaucrats in agencies that never should have been created in the first place but can now never be destroyed because, after all, that’s the law or might be the law if I had time to read it, but I&#8217;m too busy re-reading this great book by Howard Zinn.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Administration officials said they wanted to obey the judge’s order but they could not demand the deportation jet to return right away because the Alien Enemies Act does not mention jets and so they weren’t sure the jet fell under their authority. The officials said they had tried to check the wording of the law but a Secret Service dog had eaten it and while they were chasing the dog around the White House trying to get the law back, the jet entered international airspace so that the pilots were now only allowed to speak Esperanto. And before officials could locate an Esperanto-speaker, the jet landed in El Salvador where the gang-members were duly processed into the local prison and then given a decent Christian burial.
Democrats scheduled a protest march against the deportations to take place right after their protest march against the administration’s ban on child sexual mutilation, and right before their protest march against cutting waste and fraud, and possibly in conjunction with their protest march against closing the border from an invasion of unvetted illegals, which was to be followed by a meeting to discuss why Democrats are so unpopular nowadays. 
President Trump could not be reached for comment because he was busy brokering a ceasefire in Ukraine, an effort which a federal judge in Washington DC has declared unconstitutional.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

Salvadoran Government Receives 238 Alleged Members Of Criminal Organizations ‘Tren De Aragua’ and ‘MS13’

Rogue Judge Orders Immediate Return Of World’s Most Violent Gang Members

El Salvador

gangs

illegal immigrants

Judges

MS-13 Gang

Violent Crime

Donald Trump has fired nearly 50% of the staff of the Department of Education, sending waves of shock and outrage through 50% of the staff of the Department of Education. And maybe a few other people; I’m not sure.
The president took the drastic step of canning 13-thousand DOE employees after finding out that — one — the DOE has been spending more than $250 billion a year which is some 4%of all federal spending and — two — American students’ math and reading skills have plummeted into an abyss of mental darkness and — three — there is not really a clause in the Constitution that allows the president to have DOE employees executed, but only in the make-believe Constitution that Elon Musk doodled on a stall in a White House restroom as a joke. So firing these people turned out to be the best Trump could do.
Outraged Democrats held a protest in a broom closet in the Capitol, and spoke with a reporter from the Associated Press who was hiding there from Karoline Leavitt lest she strike again. Democrat congressman Fidel Mohammed Jihad Mao Mohammed Jihad told the reporter, “This assault on our beloved education department has angered every single American in this broom closet. Trump is trying to ruin our schools and trap our children in ignorance and poverty — and that’s the job of the Teachers Unions, so not only is he a tyrant, he’s actually a scab as well. Democrats should take to the streets to protest this action just as soon as they finish protesting the disempowerment of sexual psychopaths and drastic cuts to a vast network of waste and fraud that has taken us years of work to build. Trump is destroying America or, anyway, our version of America which, okay, isn’t “America” America, but we still call it America, so when we say Trump is destroying America, that is technically something that almost sounds true.”
Teachers Union President Randi Weingarten also protested the job cuts. Appearing in an interview on CNN after rising from a flaming crevice in the earth in a yellow cloud of sulfurous smoke, Ms. Weingarten said “The Department of Education has spent literally hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars doing the all-important work of buying union support for Democrats. This money is carefully doled out to ensure that every child in America has a teacher whose union representative is driving a Mercedes after doing an hour of paperwork to prove their schools are following a federal recipe for success that has already raised the reading skills of eighth graders to a third grade level. Trump’s secret plan is evil, and believe me, I know something about evil. I mean, just look at me. Look at my golden eyes. Trump’s plan is to allow poor minority students to choose their own schools. That’s insane! These children are languishing in a seething hell of illiteracy, damning them to a jobless future in which their only consolation will be the false comfort of drugs and children born out of wedlock ultimately leading to yet another generation of crushing poverty. They’re not educated enough to choose their own schools. We need to keep spending taxpayer’s money until they’re completely ignorant. Then at least when they have school choice, they might choose public schools.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
As if Trump’s cuts to the DOE weren’t bad enough, the president further outraged educators by arresting and threatening to deport a Palestinian Columbia student who led illegal demonstrations on college campuses in support of Hamas and who belongs to an organization dedicated to “the total eradication of western civilization.”
CNN Anchorwoman Shapely Nudnick objected to the move, saying, “Just because a man shuts down a university and persecutes Jewish students to support mass-murdering terrorists, that doesn’t make him a bad person. I’m afraid by having him arrested, this administration is distracting federal law enforcement officers from their important work of investigating parents who want to keep pornography out of elementary schools and spying on Catholics who attend Latin Mass.”
With that, the anchorwoman was surrounded by a sulfurous cloud of yellow smoke and dragged down into a flaming crevice in the earth, where she joined the Teacher’s Union.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

TOPSHOT-US-POLITICS-TRUMP-ECONOMY-CLIMATE-ENERGY

Trump Fires Half Of DOE, Outraging Half Of DOE

Department of Education

Education

Randi Weingarten

Teachers Unions

Democrats have hired a consultant in reputational restoration to help them bring their party back from the political wilderness into which it was recently tossed like an empty Big Gulp cup thrown from the window of a speeding 1987 Chevy Camaro.
The reputational restoration expert is named Vladimir Impalier. His pronouns are woo and hoo, and woo identifies as a Questioning Nonbinary Demigirl with sidelines in interior design and sensual massage. Le Grand Impalier, as he’s known to his friend, was most recently employed to engineer Meghan Markle’s comeback, as well as to secure the Kansas City Chief’s legacy with a third straight Super Bowl win, which he arranged by replacing the Chief’s offensive line with store mannequins so there’d be more men free to serve as downfield receivers for the late Patrick Mahomes.
The Daily Wire arranged an exclusive interview with Impalier at hoo’s private recreational vehicle, during the final hour of overnight free parking outside Baltimore’s famous Hustler Club.
Speaking through a fragrant cloud of marijuana smoke laced with the stimulating scent of Eau So Adorable perfume for tweens, the reputation master told us, “I don’t like to brag, but yes, it was I who orchestrated the Democrats’ reaction to Donald Trump’s recent speech to congress. Notice how I had all the women dress in pink because, well, I love pink so it served as a personal expression of my unique inner reality. Indeed, I wanted to have the Democrat men dress in pink as well but they refused because they thought it would make them look like a bunch of queers — which, strictly entre nous, would not be entirely in-appropos. But say no more.
“My next masterstroke was to equip the Democrats with these absolutely adorable little signs on which were inscribed cute Candy Heart-style messages that would convey their very stern disapproval of Mr. Grumpy Trumpy’s plan to Make America Great Again like the boorish yet strangely alluring brute that he is. Though I say so myself, I thought it was an especially elegant touch to make the messages on the signs so small that the audience had to lean in very close to read them, which would reveal just how very deeply they care about what Democrats have to say. Nobody actually did lean in to read them, of course, but nonetheless the potential effect was very powerful until it was spoiled by that peculiar little man with the walking stick who kept shouting who knows what until he was removed from the chamber — thank God, since he was absolutely ruining my otherwise fabulous tableau.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
“Finally, it was I who came up with the inspiration to have the Democrats keep their seats and refuse to applaud even when Trump was announcing a secure border, or new businesses coming into the country, or the strengthening of our police and military. The most delicious moment was when some depressing little boy with cancer, who wanted to be a police officer or some such thing, had his dreams fulfilled by being accepted into the Secret Service. Everyone else in America was crying and applauding and carrying on, but I had the Democrats just sit there stony-faced to prove that they would not give in to some craven desire to win voter approval by expressing kindness or humanity or common decency. By following my expert advice, the Democrats showed the world that they are not just people waving unreadable little signs while dressed in pink for some reason. No, these are men and women of principle who will never abandon their pretense of being morally superior to the countrymen they despise, but are dedicated to destroying everything of value those countrymen built through blood and toil over the course of centuries. I don&#8217;t know how America cannot be moved by such a show of commitment.”
Impalier says woo will continue to guide the Democrats’ reputational comeback by hiring as many as ten or fifteen people to show up at their protests where they’ll chant such inspirational slogans as “What do we want? Fraud! When do we want it? Now,” unless the protest is being led by Maxine Waters, in which case there’ll just be a lot of incomprehensible raven-like squawking, and the protestors will be paid time-and-a-half.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.” 
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of  numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground</a>,” is now available. His most recent nonfiction release is &#8220;<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>&#8221; (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

US-POLITICS-TRUMP-CONGRESS

An Exclusive Interview With The Expert Who’s Planning The Democrat’s Comeback

An Exclusive Interview With The Expert Who's Planning The Democrat's Comeback

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