Recently, some of you may have noticed the Cracker Barrel restaurant and gift store chain changed its logo. They removed the picture of the so-called “Old Timer,” who was meant to represent the chain’s southern-style comfort food and old-fashioned country store feeling, and left that space blank to represent the pit of fiery eternal damnation loud with the shrieks of the condemned into which the chain had fallen by supporting child sex changes, drag shows for children, and racist hiring practices.
The move was supposed to help the struggling chain’s finances by ensuring that no conservative customer entered one of their venues ever again. Those alienated customers would be replaced by large numbers of imaginary progressives just waiting for an old-fashioned, down-home, southern-style restaurant catering to pedophilia-adjacent homosexuals with a hankering for crunchy fried chicken.
But Right-wing activists loudly protested the logo change, and when it turned out the new imaginary customers were paying for their imaginary meals with imaginary money, Cracker Barrel was forced to replace the Old Timer in the empty space, in the hopes they could keep their usual customers and avoid the eternal shriek-filled pit of sin-tortured souls the empty space represented.
Now, at this point, the flaming shriek-filled pit of sin-tortured souls known as the American news media, began to express their opinions, which were all the same opinion, because all the American news media’s opinions are decanted from a single brain, which is kept on a lightning-lashed altar in the fog-shrouded cave-dwelling of Chernabog, who was the demon from Bald Mountain in Disney’s Fantasia, before he left to take a job in Disney’s animation department.
The opinion of the news media was that conservatives were oh-so-very silly to make such a big fuss over a meaningless logo change at a failing chain restaurant, and how far, oh how very far, American culture had fallen from those golden days when real intellectuals like Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley exchanged sparkling ideas by screaming slurs and threatening to punch each other in the face, while the Left swarmed over our institutions like locusts, devouring everything from Christianity to the First Amendment. Just how stupid could these Fox-News-Watching Neanderthals be that they would waste their energies trying to cancel an innocent restaurant that was simply trying to take their customers’ money to fund actions their customers found contemptible?
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
And I thought to myself: Oh, American news media, how right you are! Who cares about these little meaningless changes in the culture? In fact, just for fun, I would like to suggest a few meaningless cultural changes of my own.
For instance, how about conservatives buy the rights to the gay situation comedy “Will and Grace” and reboot the show, but this time, Will embraces Catholicism, and hilarity ensues as gay Will struggles with his physical desires in order to live a life in keeping with his faith. I’m sure the elite news media wouldn’t mind a meaningless little culture change like that one tiny bit.
What about color-blind casting? The current rules are, it’s okay to have Jesus Christ portrayed by a black woman, but it’s very bad to have a deaf character portrayed by an actor who can hear. So how about, as a change of pace, we have Jesus Christ portrayed by a Jewish actor who’s deaf, and when the left says, “Hey, he’s supposed to be a black woman,” the actor can say, “What? I couldn’t hear you! I’m deaf!” I’m sure the media wouldn’t complain about that at all.
Or, I know. Let’s reboot the hit 1970’s slavery drama “Roots,” only in this version, instead of a white man heading into the African interior to capture slaves, the white slaver just waits in his ship like in real life until the black Africans bring their black slaves to him so he can take them to a country where hundreds of thousands of white men will ultimately die to free them, about fifty years before white imperialists force their African colonies to free their slaves as well. I’m sure the news media would love that fresh, original take on an old favorite. 
In fact, just for giggles, let’s change all the Left’s favorite franchises so that they represent something the Left truly despises: the American people.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Cracker Barrel Redesigns Its Logo

The Easy Way To Ensure No Conservative Will Ever Visit Your Store

Andrew Klavan

Corporations

Cracker Barrel

Humor

Leftists

Legacy Media

Restaurant

Satire

Woke Culture

The Democrat National Committee held its summer meeting in the smoldering ruins of Minneapolis’s George Floyd Plaza this week, where they rented a hall from the local chapter of the Crips, next to the homeless encampments erected amidst the charred timbers of what once were local businesses, so Democrat officials could try to uncover the mysterious reasons why support for their party is in a decline so sharp, it reminds Americans of the decline in their children’s well-being after Teachers Unions introduced cartoon homosexual pornography into their kindergartens in preparation for changing the children’s sex without telling their parents.
The unfathomable mystery of why the Democrats are losing so many voters was addressed during the last three minutes of an hour-long panel discussion, which was all the time that was left after fifty-seven minutes of land acknowledgements paying tribute to the indigenous tribes who once held ceremonial dinners on that spot whenever they could find someone to eat.
Among the ever-so-puzzling riddles the Democrats sought to answer were: Why are Donald Trump’s anti-crime measures so popular with people who don’t want to be killed?
DNC Chairman Ilhan Jihad Mohammed Pazuzu Mohammed Jihad Jihad, whose pronouns are “They,” “It,” “Snookums” and “Death-to-the-Jews,” addressed the gathered Democrats from a bullet-proof booth in the hall’s Conference Room Number MS-13, renamed the Kilmar Abrego Garcia ballroom for the occasion. Ms. or Possibly Mister Pazuzu Mohammed Jihad Jihad said, “Donald Trump can garner quick headlines by bringing down crime with cheap tricks like putting more law officers on the streets, but we have to find real solutions, like setting criminals free without bail. When you put, say, an accused murderer in prison just because he can’t afford bail, all you do is make him so angry, he would kill again, if he weren’t, you know, in prison. Also, we need more youth programs and anti-racist training because that sort of useless crap has been very successful for us in the past, or if it hasn’t, at least there’s no one left to tell the tale. And we have to address the root causes of crime like poverty and racism, and sure, while we’re diddling around with that nonsense, we may lose some voters in the occasional weekend massacre, but remember this: Not only will each murderer we set free become a Democrat voter, but so will his victims.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
The Democrats also addressed the brain-busting conundrum of why so many men are abandoning the Democrat party, clutching their testicles in self-defense until they can escape to a red state where they’ll be safe. To get the male perspective, Governor Tim Walz was brought in to speak openly as a straight man, instead of what we all know he actually is. Governor Walz said, “Everyone talks about the divisions in our party, but so what? There are divisions in my family, with my wife constantly complaining about how sick she is of dressing up like Timothy Chalamet just to get some attention. But the guy’s a great actor, right? Who the hell doesn’t want to sleep with Timothy Chalamet? And as my wife always says, ‘Diversity is our strength.’ Or maybe she says, ‘divorce is our strength.’ It’s hard to make out the words when she’s wearing the Timothy Chalamet mask.”
The party conference did become contentious when Democrats were divided between two different declarations on the war in Gaza, one calling for the immediate slaughter of Israeli Jews, and the other calling for their agonizing demise slowly over time. Ultimately, the two sides settled on a compromise calling for a two-state solution: the state of Israel, and the state dedicated to wiping Israel off the map if it’s the last thing they ever do.
In the words of DNC Co-Chairman Jasmine X. Stalin, “When Hitler killed the Jews, the Jews were good, but now that Jews are killing the people who killed the Jews, the Jews are Hitler and good is evil. And that’s what the Democrat party stands for: good, by which we mean evil.”
The Democrats say they will continue searching for the hidden reasons for their unpopularity until they can win elections again and get back to destroying the country.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Texas Democratic Lawmakers Flee State In Effort To Halt Redistricting Legislation

Democrats Wonder Why So Many Men Are Abandoning The Party

Democrats

Minnesota

Voters

The Left-wing cable news network MSNBC will soon be changing its name. It will also soon be wearing a false beard and a putty nose in an attempt to disguise the fact it’s still the same old crap geyser of socialist lunacy. The name change comes as MSNBC prepares to break away from NBC News, and become part of a group of more obscure networks that will include the Golf Channel, Oxygen, the Sicilian Mafia, and several Mexican Drug Cartels.
From then on, MSNBC will be known as MS-NOW with the letters standing for My Source News Opinion World, signaling that this will be the go-to network for people who can’t form complete sentences. 
To come up with the name change, MSNBC Executives consulted branding experts at the marketing agency of Blundering, Wakoff and Shmoe, who have launched such famous brands as New Coke and McPizza as well as running the ad campaign: “Blockbuster Video, The Unspooling Face of Tomorrow.”
Agency leader Prodigious Wakoff recently spoke of the MS-NOW name change to a gathering of former CEO’s at the San Diego Former CEO Home and Soup Kitchen. Wakoff told the gathering, “We wanted to come up with a new name that sounded like a cross between a 1980’s PC operating system and a fire alarm in a clinic treating progressive diseases. That way, we could communicate MS-NOW’s exciting mission of transforming outmoded ideas into a future of crippling decline. MS-NOW preserves the network’s core identity while allowing NBC News to quietly scuttle off into the darkness, pretending they never had anything to do with this horrific crap fest.” 
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1244?elementPosition=0&amp;row=2&amp;rowHeadline=Latest+Episodes&amp;rowType=Horizontal+Show+Episodes+Carousel">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Not everyone is happy with the changes coming to the leftist network. For instance, Joy Reid’s show has been canceled, leaving Reid to continue her unique brand of commentary at more welcoming venues like homeless encampments and padded cells. In a recent rant on an imaginary podcast that was really just her standing alone and screaming into the bathroom mirror, Ms. Reid said, “Canceling my show was an obvious attempt by the white establishment to silence strong black women who stand up fearlessly for psychopathic distortion in the service of complete ignorance. The fact is, the white man stole all his ideas from advanced black civilizations of the past like the nation of Wakanda, because the white man has never invented anything himself, except advanced black civilizations of the past like the nation of Wakanda, which, okay, was totally the figment of some white guy’s imagination. But other than that, everything was invented by the black people in Wakanda.”
But while MSNBC will be losing its status as the sister station of a major broadcast news network, it will otherwise not be sinking any lower because that would violate the laws of physics. So, for example, after the network changes its name, it will still feature Rachel Maddow, though she will also be changing her name and will now call herself Bret Baier in the hope someone will take her seriously.
Ms. Baier-nee-Maddow recently commented on the changes at MS-NBC on a media podcast called “Former News Networks and Whatever Happened to Them.” Ms. Baier-Maddow said, “MS-NBC is needed MS-NOW more than MS-EVER. Donald Trump represents a fundamental threat to Democracy not to mention a threat to South American gangsters, Islamic terrorists, teacher union pedophiles, dead voters and incarcerated minority males who are presumed innocent and should therefore be set free to kill again. And when I say not to mention all that, it’s because I plan not to mention any of it when I talk about the threat to Democracy Donald Trump represents in my imagination, a beautiful fairyland where John Brennan and Adam Schiff eternally walk hand in hand through a dreamlike field of wildflowers and lies. We commentators on the Left are running out of time, as well as evidence and ideas, and we need to make sure our voices are heard by our audience above the noise of their irrational gibbering and howling.”
Network Executives say the new MS-NOW name should be in place sometime between the end of this year and the moment shortly thereafter when the network disappears completely from our TV screens as well as our collective memories.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Philadelphia Prepares To Host Democratic National Convention

NBC Finalizes Divorce Proceedings As MSNBC Rebrands To MS NOW

MSNBC

The following is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
* * *
With the first female umpire now working in baseball, it’s time to take a look at how women have made historic strides in the world of professional sports by ruining everything.
You see, in the past, professional sports provided a safe method for wives to get their husbands out of the damned way by placing them in front of the television where they could watch something completely meaningless that wasn’t porn. That way, the wives could get their work done, and if they occasionally dropped in on the TV room with a sandwich and a beer, their husbands would happily devote the rest of their lives to their support and happiness. Later, over dinner, the husbands could describe every play of the game in agonizing detail, which would give the wives time to mentally organize their schedules for the week, since they didn’t have to listen to a word their husbands were saying because it was just about a guy on TV hitting a ball with a stick for some reason. At least their husbands hadn’t spent the day watching some naked girl pretend to enjoy getting strangled during sex, which would only give them bizarre ideas about how they should spend the rest of the weekend.
Now all that has changed. Women are invading every aspect of sports so that men can watch other men doing useless things for no reason while thinking about sexual strangulation at the same time. For instance, after ball games, attractive female sportscasters are now assigned to interview players so male viewers can listen vaguely to some athlete saying, “You’ve gotta take it one game at time,” while simultaneously wondering what the female sportscaster would look like if she were wearing some ridiculous leather contraption and a pair of handcuffs.
Having more women athletes on the field has also changed the nature of sports by ruining everything. Sports used to reflect masculine values like winning and also more winning. But now sports also have to reflect female values which run the gamut from incomprehensible to non-existent depending on the woman’s mood on any given day. For example, when gymnast Simone Biles quit the Tokyo Olympics because she had some girly problem called the twisties, most men felt this was tantamount to losing which, according to many sports analysts, is approximately the opposite of winning. But no. The men were swiftly informed that, in fact, Simone Biles had been very brave to quit like a girl over her girly twisties. And ever since then, Olympic women’s gymnastics has included Quitting as an event, along with Crying, Hugging the Winner as if You Were Happy for Her, and Giving Men a Look that Says they Better not say Something Insensitive or There’ll be Hell to Pay.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
In women’s basketball, Caitlin Clark has completely transformed the game by causing people to realize there’s such a thing as women’s basketball. To thank her, black women players have been repeatedly beating the living crap out of Clark for being talented while white. This turns out to be a game that men will actually watch because it involves women wrestling with each other, so now men are showing up at women’s basketball games and hurling sex toys down at the court, which has also made the women’s game more popular by including sex toys. Even so, a woman’s basketball game remains the least popular American event that isn’t a colonoscopy, and when the players recently marched outside the stadium holding signs that said “Pay us what we’re worth,” they discovered they actually owed the league $15,000 apiece.
To prove that it’s not only women who ruin everything in sports, the NFL’s Minnesota Vikings have hired two male cheerleaders. So now, instead of an occasional amusing glimpse of pretty girls prancing around the sidelines in an intriguingly suggestive way, Vikings fans are being treated to two prancing homosexuals, something no sentient creature wants to see except other homosexuals who aren’t even watching sports because they’re homosexual.
And as for the first female umpire, so far her ball and strike calls have been about one and a half percent less accurate than the average male’s, which is being hailed as really great for a girl, and should transform the sport completely, by ruining everything.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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Indiana Fever v Connecticut Sun

Caitlin Clark Penalized For Being Talented While White

Baseball

Simone Biles

Sports

Women

Women's Basketball

Young Americans and other ignoramuses seem to be moving to the political Left. A new poll shows that 62% of Americans aged 18 to 29 now hold a favorable view of socialism — and the percentage is even higher among 18- to 29-year-olds who wear rings in their noses because they couldn&#8217;t locate their ears.
In on-the-street interviews with young people or just people with enough tattoos to qualify as glitches in the evolutionary progress of humankind, the subjects interviewed gave various reasons for their leftward shift.
For instance, one young man named Sketchy Boardslide told a reporter, “I believe in socialism because if you ran a metal wire into my left ear, it would come out my right ear without touching anything in-between. As a result, I’m so shallow that my shallowness goes down very deep, a sentence that doesn’t even make any sense, which should give you some idea of just how incredibly stupid I am. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to guide my battery-powered skateboard to a voting booth in order to help elect someone who will destroy every vestige of what good men hold dear, whatever a vestige is. Bye, Felicia.”
A woman we interviewed who is either between 18 and 29 years old or just so ignorant it’s hard to tell the difference, told our reporter, “When I look at all the inequality and suffering in the world, I care so much it really makes me feel good about what a warm-hearted person I am. Believing in socialism is a way for me to express the precious tenderness of my heart without actually having to do anything for anybody, because that would take time away from making videos about opening boxes of cosmetics while pouting with surgically modified lips so big they look like a cross between a gravy boat and some unidentifiable kind of roadkill. If I vote socialist, everyone will admire my compassionate nature until the country collapses in a catastrophe of poverty and oppression and is overrun by barbarians so that I become part of some savage’s harem, which has been a big fantasy of mine ever since I read a novel in which all the men had bat wings and did rough sex with women who were beautiful, fragile fairies but really strong in some kind of magical way.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Pollsters have found that the move toward socialism among young people and other dunderheads has opened up a gender gap between women, who make good money and are completely miserable, and men who scratch their armpits in public and are working on developing an organizational chart of the Marvel Comics Universe. Some psychologists say the divide may be caused by sex differences that have been socially constructed in every society that has ever existed and ever will until the end of time.
For instance, studies show that young women experience higher levels of anxiety and stronger feelings of vulnerability, while young men are far more likely to chase women down the street, shouting, “Hey, baby, give me some of that hot stuff, the way they do it in porn,” diverse sex traits that some scientists believe may be mysteriously connected.
One gender scientist, Dr. Bartholomew Creepy, says these sex differences, which are not at all innate but simply socially constructed everywhere always and forever, may give clues to why young women are increasingly socialist, while young men believe Spiderman is actually a real person but you never see him because we don’t live in his section of the multiverse. In a speech to a convention of middle-aged men who subscribe to Teen Vogue for some reason, Dr. Creepy said, “Young women have been shown to exhibit higher levels of agreeableness and tender-heartedness which are conducive to socialism when combined with their almost total inability to reason. I hope to deliver deeper insights into this phenomenon in my latest study of young women with its focus on their uncannily smooth and shapely legs.”
Older people, conservatives and anyone else with a lick of sense are hoping to avoid the consequences of the leftward trend among the young by praying for death to mercifully carry them away before the next election.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Portrait of confident male hipster standing against pink background

New Poll Finds People With Nose Rings Love Socialism

Gen Z

Social Issues

Socialism

Young people

Economists have long predicted that Trump’s tariff and trade policies would cause an economic disaster. But in reality, it now seems Trump’s plans could lead to spectacular success. So economists are trying to learn from this experience and find out: What is this thing called reality, and why does it keep getting everything so terribly wrong?
To find the answers, the Daily Wire used the latest technology to actually shrink our crack team of investigative reporters until they were so small they could fit inside the worldview of an academic. We then injected them, one by one, into the minds of America’s top economists — except for reporter Spencer Lindquist, who seems to have dripped out somewhere, so watch your step as you’re walking around and if you hear a crunching noise, call a very small ambulance.
Our first interview was with Princeton economist Dr. Herkimer Fudd, who was awarded the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for the most creative use of the word “unexpectedly” in explaining why all his financial predictions turned out to be wrong. Dr. Fudd told one of our tiny reporters, “Economics is a science, and as with any science, we first formulate a theory, then test the theory against the facts, and if the facts disprove the theory, then we simply declare that anyone who disagrees with the theory is threatening to cause another Great Depression. In fact, in a little while it’ll be the centennial of the Great Depression, and Economics Departments across the nation will be celebrating a hundred years of not having to change our minds about anything.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-2241-a-fantastic-four-america?contentProgram=The%20Andrew%20Klavan%20Show&amp;contentType=ShowEpisode&amp;elementPosition=2&amp;location=Home%20Tab&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Home%20Featured%20Carousel">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Another economist interviewed by our microscopic reporters was Harvard Professor Theodolphus Querulous who won the Pulitzer Prize for a series of videos for the Wall Street Journal in which he simply shrieked the word “Tariffs” over and over in a high-pitched voice and then dissolved into a puddle of tears. Dr. Querulous explained, “Tariffs are an absolute disaster. Yes, they incentivize American manufacturing and open up new markets for American products, thus freeing us from the Chinese-dominated supply chain that was threatening to leave us defenseless against a rapidly growing Communist war machine, but they’re going to make it impossible for me to afford a new Mercedes and if I have to drive around Cambridge in some crappy Chevy like a shmuck, it will threaten to cause another Great Depression and I can’t afford the Zoloft either.”
We also spoke with Yale Economics Professor Dr. Claperton Drivel, who was recently awarded the Nemmers Prize in Economics for proving that a penny saved is not actually a penny earned but really just a worthless anachronistic coin that will probably sit forgotten in a jar with a lot of other pennies until your children have to figure out what to do with them after you die. Dr. Drivel told our micro-reporter, “Donald Trump is playing fast and loose with the international trading system, whereas we were playing a game called I’m an American Idiot So Please Punch Me Repeatedly in the Face Until a Few European Oligarchs Escape to Switzerland with their Fortunes and Everyone Else has to Learn to Speak Mandarin. Trump’s reckless approach could cause the entire world financial system to come crashing suddenly down around our ears, instead of slowly, slowly draining the nation of its life’s blood, which would at least give me time to cash out my portfolio and retire to Thailand where you can marry a 15-year-old and live like a king for $60,000 a year.”
To demonstrate that Trump’s real world successes could have disastrous theoretical ramifications, an international team of economists has come together to build a model demonstrating how a stack of billions of dollars in Tariff revenues could tip over, knocking a swinging boot into a bucket that would then release a marble down a zig-zagging staircase until it strikes a pole with a ball on top that will drop through a bathtub onto a seesaw, flipping a diver into a barrel that dislodges a cage balanced on another pole so that the cage shimmies down on top of a plastic mouse.
This doesn’t really prove anything, but at least it’ll keep the economists entertained while Trump saves the country.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

TOPSHOT-US-POLITICS-CONGRESS-BUDGET

Economists Say Trump’s Real World Success Could Have Disastrous Theoretical Ramifications

Economists Say Trump's Real World Success Could Have Disastrous Theoretical Ramifications

Economy

President Trump

As you know, I’m a simple man — not as simple as you obviously, but still, there are times when the issues of the day grow too complex for me to comprehend. And, in those moments when I feel lost and confused, then, just like you, I look for answers in the wisdom and moral insight of men like Hunter Biden.
For example, take the recent controversies over illegal immigration. In my charming, dimple-cheeked innocence, I always thought, hey, no one is above the law, illegal immigrants have broken the law, ICE is authorized to enforce the law, so what’s the problem? But then, I consult the wisdom of Hunter Biden, who recently said, (and this is a real quote) “People are really upset about illegal immigration? Eff you&#8230; How do you think you have food on your effing table? Who do you think washes your dishes? Who do you think does your effing garden?”
And, of course, when I realized it was illegal immigrants who put food on our tables and wash our dishes and tend our gardens, I immediately had my wife deported.
But Hunter Biden is not our only source of political wisdom in this crazy world. We can also turn to Hollywood actors. Because surely, if Hunter Biden’s life is an example of probity to us all, then Hollywood actors have many important ideas. Jeff Daniels, for instance, is an actor so talented, he can make even the most implausible characters seem vividly real, like when he played James Comey as an honest man. 
A shallow observer like myself, or even a shallower observer like yourself, might look at the second Trump administration and see massive tax cuts, secure borders so my wife can’t sneak back into the country, billions in tariff revenues, low inflation, no nuclear weapons for Islamists who believe the end of days will come just as soon as they get nuclear weapons, and you might think, wow, I’m sure glad I voted for Trump.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
But not Jeff Daniels. Jeff says — and once again I’m not making this up. In fact, I couldn’t make this up — he says, “I still think about Kamala, and how I think she would have been a good choice. Because she would have done what Lincoln did.” And how can anyone disagree when you remember Lincoln at Gettysburg, when he said, “At what point do we uplift and highlight the consumer’s right to expect that the innovation would also be weighted in terms of solving their everyday problems, which are beyond my craving for Doritos.” Which Lincoln followed with that unbearable high-pitched cackling laughter of his. Or that might have been Kamala. I get them confused because Jeff Daniels can’t tell the difference.
And finally, after you’ve consulted Hunter Biden, and after you’ve studied the political thought of Hollywood actors, you can always turn to the searing insights of corporate comedians like John Stewart, who responded to the cancellation of fellow corporate comedian Stephen Colbert by saying, and once again, these are Stewart’s exact words, “Go eff yourself. Go eff yourself. Eff eff eff yourself. Go eff yourself.” 
Now friends, that kind of witty commentary on the news of the day, demonstrates the wisdom of having every single comedian hosting a corporation’s television show hold the exact same political opinion as every other comedian hosting a corporation’s television show, because if comedians with left wing opinions are not entitled to monopolize every single corporate comedy job in show business, that would mean that corporations should hire comedians with a range of opinions wide enough to entertain an audience large enough that their corporate employers won’t have to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on network shows that get their asses kicked in the ratings by Greg Gutfeld on cable.
So in conclusion, if you ever find yourself lost on the winding road of life, remember, you only have to turn to an entitled, overpaid midwit spouting the received opinions of the Democrat party as if that were an act of daring or intelligence, and then you will truly know where our elites want the rest of us to go and what they want us to do to ourselves when we get there.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Hunter Biden On Capitol Hill To Challenge House Republicans

When I Need Wisdom, I Consult With Hunter Biden

Hunter Biden

Jon Stewart

Knowledgeable sources say the Trump administration is being torn to pieces by its mishandling of the Epstein scandal. Although in its first six months, the administration has scored a string of successes so long you couldn’t read it in the time it took to achieve it, knowledgeable sources on both the Left and the Right are saying that the poor handling of the Epstein story should erase all those successes so that commentators can continue to scream in outraged tones with the veins in their necks bulging out while their audience clenches their fists and shouts, “Yeah!” in gravelly voices even though they’re listening to complete crap.
Although Trump has tried to argue that all is well in an administration that has closed the border, helped neutralize Iran, and operated the government at a surplus for the first time in over twenty years, knowledgeable sources report that, in fact, everything is coming apart at the seams, if indeed everything has seams, which remains just one more open question in the Epstein case.
One knowledgeable source, for instance, says that FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino recently clashed with Attorney General Pam Bondi, vowing that he would unleash a vengeance more horrible than her wildest imagination if Bondi did not release more information about Epstein or at least stop wearing those pants suits that keep reminding him of Hillary Clinton which is just making him crazy in the head. The knowledgeable source says Bongino then put Bondi in a choke hold and the two rolled around on the floor in a cloud of dust with various articles of jewelry and clothing flying out of it, until a stalemate was declared and they moved on to the next agenda item, which was a potato sack race.
Another knowledgeable source reports that FBI Director Kash Patel’s girlfriend obviously must have enlisted him in the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad, because how else can anyone explain why a woman that beautiful would go out with a guy who looks like Kash Patel, especially when the knowledgeable source was sitting right there in plain sight and would have gladly worked for Mossad or anyone else if Kash Patel’s girlfriend or just some woman who looked like Kash Patel’s girlfriend had simply leaned in close to the knowledgeable source and murmured in a sultry voice, “Come and work for Mossad?”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Still another knowledgeable source reports that a voice coming from somewhere within the administration has spoken to him through the fillings in his teeth and revealed that the end of days has come — or possibly a friend of Dave’s has come, it was hard for the knowledgeable source to hear because the reception in his fillings has been very spotty lately despite the fact that he’s been wearing rabbit-ear antennae on top of his tinfoil hat. In any case, if it turns out that it’s not the end of days that has come but a friend of Dave’s, then no action is currently required, except maybe putting out some snacks and a pot of Chamomile tea, which Dave’s friend particularly enjoys.
Another knowledgeable source has revealed exclusively to Tucker Carlson that the Epstein cover-up is all the fault of the Jews, although Tucker’s knowledgeable source loaned HIS rabbit-ear antennae to the end-of-days knowledgeable source so the cover-up may have actually been all the fault of the Juice, since no one’s seen O.J. around recently and who knows what he&#8217;s been getting up to. In any case, Tucker gave an impassioned speech to TPUSA, saying, “Why should it be forbidden to blame it all on Israel? Somehow, Israel is the only country on earth you’re not allowed to blame for anything. That’s why you have all these Israelis walking around happy-go-lucky without a care in the world — it&#8217;s because no one ever blames them for anything. Well, I’m not afraid of being called antisemitic. After all, that’s where the big money is.” 
Trump supporters are hoping the president will see to it that more information is released soon, because knowledgeable sources are going to continue to spread the inside story about the Epstein scandal until someone finally tells us the freaking truth.

Donald Trump, Karoline Leavitt

‘Knowledgeable Sources’ Say Only Epstein Matters, And Everyone Should Ignore Trump’s Numerous Wins

Donald Trump

Jeffrey Epstein

Trump Administration

Some political observers are saying that New York Democrat mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani is a sleazy, two-faced, peddler of political snake-oil whose Communist agenda would only demonstrate yet one more wearisome time the capability of Marxism to reduce a city striving toward prosperity and peace to a rubble-strewn ruin of homelessness, crime and poverty in order to create an urban hellscape that would express through the human misery of others, a leftist like Mamdani’s virulent hatred of God, America, the Jews, humanity and himself even while he continues to disguise that hatred behind a smile of chilling insincerity and the sort of vague, Obama-like bromides of deceptive political oration that anyone but an idiot or a Democrat would recognize instantaneously as the mesmeric lies of a man whose heart has been poisoned by a diabolical socialist ideology that transforms every natural human instinct toward goodness into a bubbling black tar of destructive evil.
Other political observers are saying other things. Like, “What’s on TV tonight?” or “I wonder if it’s too late to get a reservation for dinner.” Because watching Mamdani’s rise to front-runner in the New York mayoral race is so disturbing, they’d rather think about practically anything else.
Left-leaning New York politicians are uncertain whether or not they should endorse Mamdani and have been nervously tracking the opinions of a mob of naked, blood-drenched maniacs who at first seemed to be the extras who played the rage zombies in “28 Years Later” but instead turned out to be the Democrat base. As New York Senator and career corruptocrat Chuck Schumer said, “I am one hundred percent in favor of Zohran Mamdani if that shrieking mob of naked blood-drenched zombies supports him, but if they would prefer to rampage down Fifth Avenue killing and devouring anyone who gets in their way, then I’m in favor of that instead. In other words, a lifetime of ideological pandering has left me a hollow doppelganger of the man God created me to be and I’ll basically do anything for just one more term in power before delivering the husk of what was once a human being into the hands of the Satanic overlord who owns the flaming ashes of my former soul.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
On the other hand, shapely-but-evil New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has endorsed Mamdani enthusiastically, telling her supporters, “Men have sleep-walked into self-destruction while gazing at a hot rack like mine through all of human history, I don’t see why this mayoral election should be any different.”
Some journalists have temporarily roused themselves from the sleep of reason that produces monsters to report on some of Mamdani’s little peccadillos, like the fact that he’s a Jew-hating, Islamist-appeasing, anti-American dirtbag who once gave the finger to a statue of Christopher Columbus, and wants to defund the police, seize the means of production, transform the state of Israel into a rerun of the holocaust and reduce New York to a socialist slave-city on the order of 1970s Detroit.
But Mamdani answered those accusations in a charming speech to a vast collection of matrix-like pods that contained residents of Park Slope Brooklyn, who were happily living in a dream that the world was like it is in the New York Times while their brains were being drained of electricity in order to power the Democrat machine. Mamdani said, “Sure, I’ve got some ideas that would make New York City look like it had been trampled by a Stalinist Godzilla, but, you know, Ronald Reagan used to say that a person who agrees with you 80 percent of the time is a friend and an ally, and in the same way, a person who agrees with me 80 percent of the time will soon be lying in the gutter in a pool of his own vomit wishing he’d paid closer attention to that other 20 percent.”
The Park Slope residents greeted this speech with thunderous applause and then went back to dodging bullets in slow motion because they were dreaming they were in a New York Times editorial that said yes, Mamdani’s crime-infested New York would be riddled with gunfire, but don’t worry, just take this blue pill, and you’ll be able to dodge the bullets in slow motion.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

US-POLITICS-NEW YORK-MAMDANI

Intifada! Communism! Cannibal Rage Mobs! It’s Just Another NYC Election Season

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Chuck Schumer

Mayor

New York City

Zohran Mamdani

There’s been a great deal of talk about the Trump vs. CASA decision at the Supreme Court. This, as you know, is the decision that put restrictions on universal injunctions against Trump administration policies issued by federal judge James Boasberg while Boasberg was wearing a cardboard Burger King crown and spinning around the room with his black robe flung out as if it were a pair of wings and simultaneously singing, “Look at me, mother. I am the ruler of the universe. Everyone look at me.” The court decided six to three along ideological lines that Boasberg should not only quit with the injunctions but also possibly see a mental health professional or at least turn down the volume in order to stop disturbing the neighbors. Boasberg responded to the decision by sitting curled up in a corner and sucking his thumb while still wearing the Burger King crown and muttering, “I don’t care what they say. I’m the ruler of everybody,” but in a much softer voice so the Supreme Court wouldn’t hear him and take his cardboard crown away and make him go to bed early.
The court’s decision was written by Justice Amy Coney Barrett and much of the media attention focused on Barrett’s comments about a dissenting opinion written by Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. Many felt that Barrett’s response to Jackson’s dissent was derogatory, disdainful, humiliating, sardonic, mocking, derisive, sarcastic, belittling, disparaging, denigrating, contemptuous, taunting and even humiliating — and I know I already said that, but it was so derogatory it was actually humiliating twice, and possibly vice versa.
Now part of the reaction to Barrett’s comments might have arisen from the fact that, during her confirmation hearing, Barrett answered questions with so much precision and expertise that it gave the impression that she’s a highly intelligent woman and also kind of hot in a wonk-girl Catholic mom sort of way, whereas at her confirmation hearing, Ketanji Jackson couldn’t even say what a woman is, giving the impression that she was a DEI hire, selected because she’s a black woman without taking into account the fact that she’s also a functional idiot.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
But here at the Andrew Klavan show, we feel we should take Justice Jackson’s dissent seriously because, you know, that would be funnier. So after spending a great many minutes reading the dissent in depth… I’m not sure exactly how many minutes, but it was a lot. Maybe ten even. I lost count around six or seven. But anyway, after spending a great many minutes studying Justice Jackson’s dissent, I have some important observations.
Jackson dissents to the court&#8217;s decision on the grounds that it hides behind a “smokescreen” of “legalese,” by comparing the issues involved in the case to legal precedents in American and English jurisprudence. Instead of this process, sometimes known as “applying the law,” or “judging,” Jackson proposes a different standard called the “sassy black woman” test. In this test, also known as the “Jasmine Crockett standard,” all court decisions and other forms of reasoned discourse must be able to withstand a black woman putting her fist against one upraised hip and saying completely incomprehensible things in an aggressive sing-song voice while leaving the g’s off the endings of her words and using foul language to declare herself entitled to be heard despite the fact that she’s obviously a functional idiot. Furthermore, if said sassy black woman ends said tirade with the words “full stop,” any disagreement will immediately be deemed racist even if it can be shown that it’s not her skin color that’s at issue but only her functional idiocy.
Justice Jackson also writes in her dissent — and this is a real quote, “A Martian arriving here from another planet would see these circumstances and surely wonder: ‘what good is the Constitution?’” This, of course, is a reference to the famous Martian clause in the founding documents of Planet Zeebeegununu in the Ratchet and Clank Solana Galaxy, which declares that the opinions of fictional extraterrestrials should be given priority, because, honey-child, these space aliens are way smarter than a fool like you, full stop. 
All in all, I think we can agree that the Jackson dissent is a mind-bogglingly deep dissent, if you spell dissent d-e-s-c-e-n-t.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

President Biden Delivers State Of The Union Address

Justice Jackson Invokes Famous ‘Martian Clause’ In Dissent

Justice Jackson Invokes Famous 'Martian Clause' In Dissent

Amy Coney Barrett

Ketanji Brown Jackson

SCOTUS

Supreme Court

The New York Times, a former newspaper, recently ran a story with this headline: “Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back.” The sub-headline was: “So many men have retreated from intimacy, hiding behind firewalls, filters and curated personas, dabbling and scrolling. We miss you.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you smoking hot hunk of hilarity, a joke is a joke, but do you really expect us to believe that that was a headline in the same former newspaper that has spent the last forty years denigrating men and marriage and promoting a sexual culture of such degrading perversion that it could only be intended to cause even a fully operational male to recoil horrified from sexual communion as if he were Ben Affleck in the moment he suddenly realized he had left the really nice Jennifer for the Jennifer with the admittedly spectacular body but with the kind of personality that could make even a fully operational male recoil horrified from sexual communion as if he’d spent the last forty years reading the New York Times?&#8221; And okay, sure, even I’ve forgotten where that sentence began, but the point is, no, I’m not making this up.
This article wondering why men had retreated from intimacy into a world of solitary stimulation utterly devoid of emotional content was written by Rachel Drucker, a woman who spent part of her career working for Playboy and its affiliated hard core porn outlets, enticing men to retreat from intimacy into a world of solitary stimulation utterly devoid of emotional content. She writes (and this is a real quote, I’m still not even making stuff up yet): “I remember when part of heterosexual male culture involved showing up with a woman to signal something — status, success, desirability. Women were once signifiers of value, even to other men. That dynamic has quietly collapsed.”
So — baffled by this mystery — the New York Times did what they usually do in such circumstances: they sent their reporters to find out what men think, by interviewing women.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
For instance, they spoke with Karen Screamy-Hate-Face, President of the Society for Harridans who are Intolerably Loud, or S-H-R-I-L. Ms. Screamy-Hate-Face said, “I can’t for the life of me figure out why I can’t get a date with one of these toxic snakes. I’ve got the pink hat, all the right tattoos and plenty of insight on how to make men be better than they are. What do those bastards want from me? Tenderness?”
The Times also interviewed the holder of the Guinness Book World Record for highest body count, Karen Spikenose, who told them, “Frankly, I think most men are just too sexually insecure. They’re always afraid I’m going to compare them to all the men I slept with yesterday. But really, I’m the sort of girl who usually takes each man separately. It’s more time-consuming, but I feel it makes for a more intimate seven minutes.”
And they interviewed divorce attorney Karen Crotchfangs, who told us, “I just think men don’t know what they really want. They say they want a feminine girl like me who gets all made up for a date and wears pretty dresses and lets them pay for dinner, but then the minute they see my penis they run for the hills. Sometimes without even finishing their drink.”
In the end, however, despite its considerable reportorial power, the New York Times somehow could not solve the mystery of why men no longer feel that women add value to their lives.
Now, part of our job here at the Daily Wire is to bring you the kind of material that outlets like the New York Times simply can’t provide. Like journalism. So we immediately sent our reporters out into the field, and when they didn’t come back from the field but simply went prancing off across the grass picking flowers and weaving garlands of daisies for one another’s heads, we sent out some more reporters to interview a prominent man on why he had retreated from intimacy. Unfortunately, the man just kept sobbing violently and crying out, “What was I thinking? I could have had the nice Jennifer!”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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New York Times Investigates Retreat Of Men By Talking To Women

New York Times

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Democrats and other misprints in the Book of Life are celebrating a rare victory after a weekend of “No Kings” protests resulted in there being no American kings.
The Democrat comeback ended a frustrating period of months in which party officials sought for some way to convince the American electorate that they were not just hollow glove puppets being manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis, while still remaining true to their goal of being hollow glove puppets manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis.
The turnaround came after Chairman of the Democrat National Committee, Abaddon Pazuzu, delivered a rousing and inspiring speech to the golden statue of a goat-headed god, saying, “Oh Lord of Darkness, come to our aid so that we may know we haven’t traded away our souls in vain. We have sought to win back the love of the American people by setting their cities on fire, interfering with their law enforcement officers in the rightful performance of their duties, mutilating their children, persecuting their politicians, silencing their opinions, dividing them into hostile camps according to their various races, and shutting their churches and synagogues while simultaneously cheering on acts of Islamist terror so horrifying in their apocalyptic evil we thought they’d be sure to win at least as loyal a following as Nancy Pelosi. And yet somehow, nothing we’ve done has managed to recapture the affection of the nation we’re trying so desperately to destroy. Guide our steps to success, oh unholy one, so that we might raise our approval ratings, which are in double digits only when expressed as fractions.”
Shortly after this address, the DNC staged the nationwide &#8220;No Kings&#8221; protests, which were so successful even the protesters themselves were amazed. As one 80-year-old wearing the rags of what used to be a Woodstock t-shirt wrote in his leatherette-bound diary, “I was beginning to worry I had wasted my life supporting delusional policies that promised utopia but instead turned everything they touched to crap. But now, in a single weekend, our protests managed to reduce Donald Trump from a mighty king to nothing but the President of the United States, leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of the most lethal fighting force on earth. I feel my dreams have become a reality for the first time since we put an end to all wars by ushering in the Age of Aquarius.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Left-Wing Activist Bruce Flapjaw, president of the Enlightened Institute of Endemic Imaginary Outrages — or E-I-E-I-O — celebrated the victory with a jubilant press release, saying “With the geriatric Trump forming a far-right monarchy in network newscasts and other fantasies, we were able to mobilize thousands of know-nothing political quacks, geriatric white women in mu-mus, and ivy league educated dumb-clucks until, with a mu-mu here and a mu-mu there, here a quack, there a quack, everywhere a dumb-cluck, old man Donald’s far-right form was expelled by the E-I-E-I-O.”
The Democrats mean to follow up their triumph later in the summer with a nationwide series of &#8220;No Alchemist&#8221; protests, pledging that they will not relent until they have rid the nation of every long-bearded man in a conical starry cap who is trying to turn lead into gold.
Excited by the success of the Democrats in expelling the kings from the U.S., Right-Wing anti-semites plan to follow suit, staging their own protests against imaginary outrages by declaring they will not die for Israel. The Groypers say they plan to illustrate their protest signs with pictures of doughty Christian knights to show what a brave and noble thing it is not to do what no one is asking them to do but what they would eventually have to do if the Jews weren’t currently doing it for them. After the “I Will Not Die for Israel” marches, the Groypers plan to gather to celebrate the triumphant fact that not one of them has died for Israel, marking the accomplishment by unleashing a barrage of social media posts, spelling the word Jew with two o’s to proclaim to all the world that they don’t know how to spell the word Jew.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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