Democrat Party officials say they are now facing a critical shortage of intimidating insults with which to silence people who have opposing opinions. According to Democrat Vladimir Mohammed Jihad Lenin Chu Mohammed, Chairman of the Leftist Agency of Derogatory Intimidation, or LADDIE — or LADY, depending on your pronouns — the shortage could endanger Joe Biden’s chances of re-election in the event he comes back to life before November.
Mr. Lenin Chu Mohammed spoke to The Daily Wire on condition of anonymity, saying, “We started by calling conservatives racist, but that made it sound like hating white people might be a bad thing. So we moved on to calling them Hitler, but then we found out that Hitler believed in authoritarian government, imprisoning dissenters, and hating Jews, which is our entire platform. Finally, we tried calling them Christian Nationalists, but then we discovered that means people who believe in God and love their country, which turns out to be almost everybody except us. If we don’t come up with a new intimidating insult soon, we won’t be able to silence opposition and we’ll be forced to try to rationalize our policies, which obviously would be a disaster.”
An unnamed Democrat source named Sergei Mohammed Wong Nikita Jihad says Democrat strategists have been working around the clock to come up with a brilliant new plan to replenish their supply of intimidating insults by using words that mean absolutely nothing so they can’t be turned against them. In a memo leaked by an anonymous Democrat source named Rashida Ilhan Alexandria Tucker Carlson, the unnamed LADDIE-or-LADY chairman Lenin Chu Mohammed writes, “In the past, meaningless words have worked well for the Democrat party. We used such sentences as ‘The border is secure,’ ‘trans-women are women,’ ‘the demonstrations are mostly peaceful,’ and ‘George Floyd was an innocent man murdered by racist police’ in which certain words were completely devoid of any recognizable meaning, like the words ‘secure,’ ‘women,’ ‘peaceful’ and ‘innocent man murdered by racist police.’”
Thus, in the hope of preventing future shortages of intimidating insults, the LADDIE or LADY is proposing that Democrats simply start hurling complete gibberish at their opponents in angry voices that make it sound insulting.
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1177-america-down-the-memory-hole">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
For instance, a proposed Joe Biden speech was leaked by an anonymous source close to LADDIE or LADY named Fang Fang Jihad Tucker Vladimir Ilhan Stalin. The Biden speech says: “Never before have we faced so great a threat to ka-boob-acy as the rise of radical far-right Maga scabadabalism in the halls of rinky-tinkadum. Since the founding of this great ka-boob-nik rinkytinkadum has rejected scabadalism in the name of all that’s kaboo-bastic, but now scabadalists are thralling every sconus of kaboobacy’s tinkadum until the very swillingforth of sentastic fillemup tooters on the flink of shooga-boogacy. This admino-groin will unthrall the scabadabs from kaboob-nik’s rinkytinks and restore kaboobik wumpas of sheroob-adum or my name is not Joe Biden, if that is my name.”
This proposed speech was later withdrawn when it turned out Biden had already said something similar in off-the-cuff remarks he had made to a 12-year-old girl while he was chasing her around the room trying to smell her hair.
As the shortage of intimidating insults moves toward crisis, an anonymous source within the DNC named Ubersturmfuhrer Hamas von Mao tse Sanders Pressley-Ramirez, says the party is exploring more radical options, like trying to justify their policies to sentient human beings with the capacity for reason, or if that’s not possible, then just to leftist women, or if even they’re too intelligent, maybe just the CEO of NPR.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, Mister Miss Uberstormfuhrer Pressley-Ramirez told The Daily Wire, “We figure, hey, we convinced our voters the climate is a crisis, killing babies is a human right, butchering children will change their sex, and Joe Biden wasn’t making money off his family’s influence peddling business, we might also get them to believe we’re turning the country to crap for a good reason. We just have to explain that high food prices help you lose weight or that letting unchecked illegals flood the country will make it easier to find a gardener who’ll murder your mother-in-law. After all, these people voted for us. How smart can they be?”
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1177-america-down-the-memory-hole" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show.</a>”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

The young emotional angry woman screaming on blue studio background

Democrats Face Critical Shortage Of Intimidating Insults

Andrew Klavan

Democratic National Committee

Democrats

Readers Pass

Satire

As the November election rockets toward us like a rocket that will explode and scatter our bodies and possibly even our souls over a gore-spattered kill-zone that used to be America until it was hit by a rocket, it’s time for us to ask ourselves: what are the choices we should be thinking about as we writhe in a strangling paroxysm of mutual hatred and rage until we’re hit by the November election as if it were a rocket?
First, there’s the candidates themselves. On one side, we have Joe Biden. And hey, let’s say something positive about our president. I mean, sure, he’s a lifeless body that&#8217;s been horrifically re-animated for political gain, but at least he doesn’t eat people’s brains, so it’s better than having an actual zombie in the White House, although that might be kind of cool, too, like, if he was shuffling aimlessly around the Rose Garden muttering incoherently with his mouth hanging open and his eyes glazed — but then he’s doing that already, so you get all the great zombie effects without the actual eating of brains. So hooray for Joe Biden.
On the other side, you have Donald Trump. And of course, there are plenty of positive things to say about Donald Trump. We know that because he’s said most of them. Which proves he’s still alive, so at least he’s not Joe Biden.
Then there are the issues. And yes, I don’t care what they are either, but let’s take a look anyway.
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
Number One, there’s abortion. Joe Biden is a devout Catholic so of course he believes in a blood-drenched mass slaughter of millions of innocent babies up to and including the moment of their birth, after which they can be mutilated into flesh costumes of the opposite sex to appease the insane academic theories of sexual perverts, because Joe Biden is just so devout. Donald Trump believes that abortion should be left to the will of the people, so it could be like a TV game show where you hold up a baby and people give a thumbs up or a thumbs down and if it’s thumbs down, too bad for the baby, but he gets the board game version to take home as a consolation prize.
Then there’s the war in the Middle East. For Joe Biden, this is a matter of principle, and as soon as his base tells him what his principles are, he will stand squarely with Israel until that upsets the blood-thirsty pro-terrorist leftists who want to destroy Israel as a prelude to destroying America, then he’ll stand squarely with them. Donald Trump, on the other hand, is a friend to Israel, he just doesn’t want to say so too loudly, because that might upset the part of his base that’s a group of blood-thirsty pro-terrorist rightists who want to destroy Israel because that’s where the Jews are, and what good have Jews ever done besides developing aspirin, curing polio, building the bomb that defeated the Japanese in World War II and creating the American movie industry and musical comedy and quantum science and, okay, they also make great bespoke suits and wrote the Bible. But other than that, screw that, groypers know how to type in all caps.
And of course there’s the economy. Joe Biden believes he’s done a great job with the economy because he’s a shuffling, muttering zombie-like creature who doesn’t know what the hell’s going on, which is actually kind of comical until you have to spend your rent money to buy eggs. Donald Trump actually built a great economy during his first term but then he let it die when Anthony Fauci ran through the oval office with his hair on fire as he screamed, “Everyone’s going to die from Covid unless we kill the economy.” So if Trump wins reelection, my recommendation is that he reverse the process and set Fauci on fire first. Then he can build the economy and also cook up some smores, which are awfully good.
So that’s my incisive look at the candidates and issues in the upcoming election. You might want to print this out and take it with you into the voting booth, so when the rocket hits it won’t come as a complete surprise.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1176-video-game-america" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Modern strategic rocket forces concept on blue sky background, USA ballistic missile attack – military industrial 3D illustration, nuke with flag

Here Comes The 2024 Election, Like A Rocket Blazing Toward America

2024 Election

Donald Trump

Joe Biden

The Daily Wire has exclusively obtained a newsletter from the office of Joe Biden’s National intelligence director. Joe Biden, or as he’s sometimes called &#8220;The Big Guy,&#8221; is, of course, the rhododendron currently running the free world on behalf of the Chinese, which is only fair since they&#8217;ve paid him a bundle in bribes. His Director of National Intelligence is Avril Haines, whose pronouns are “wang tsi co mao soy fang fang chu” and who served under CIA Director John Brennan, a communist, when the president was Barack Obama, an anti-American globalist. 
But not to worry, during her confirmation hearing, DNI Fang Fang reassured congress there were only some areas where she wanted to co-operate with the Chinese, like in collecting The Big Guy’s money and depositing it in one of his twenty shell companies so he has plausible deniability while he’s handing our border to Mexican cartels, who kill Americans with fentanyl, then launder their profits with the Chinese mafia inside the U.S.
 What was I talking about? Oh, yeah.
According to The Daily Wire’s crack investigative reporter Spencer Crack, DNI Fang Fang’s office puts out a newsletter called The Dive — DIVE — which guides the FBI, CIA and NSA on matters of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion — DEI — so that our intelligence officers can better keep America free for the untraceable banking of Chinese bribes.
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1174-the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
According to DNI Fang Fang’s newsletter, when American intelligence officers are reporting on terrorist threats, they should stop describing… I’m not making this up — they should stop describing the terrorists with phrases that may be hurtful to Muslim-Americans.
Now, the Daily Wire’s crack reporter Crack has also obtained secret files that describe a real-life incident in which DNI’s DEI DIVE helped CIA, FBI and NSA perform their duties.
Recently one of our top CIA Agents, Wong Fu Chi, received a warning that a young Iranian man was about to blow himself up on Wall Street while shouting &#8220;Allahu Akbar!&#8221;, thereby potentially damaging our banking system and preventing President Big Guy from collecting his money from China and secreting it in one of his twenty shell companies. Though it was the dead of night, Agent Wong quickly called DNI Fang Fang where she was sleeping at Congressman Eric Swalwell’s house to report that The Big Guy’s cash was facing a jihadist threat. DNI Fang Fang immediately dropped her riding crop, leapt out of bed and instructed Agent Wong that he should re-file his report after first removing the word “jihadist” which might offend some Muslim-Americans. Dutifully starting over, Agent Wong then said, “A young man from a foreign nation that intends to destroy the world in order to hasten the arrival of the Twelfth Imam or, sorry, I should just say the Twelfth Non-denominational Clergyman named Mohammed al-Mahdi or maybe just Bob al-Mahdi or let’s just call him Pastor Bob…” Unfortunately, at this point, Agent Wong’s report was interrupted by a shout of &#8220;Allahu Akbar!&#8221; followed by a tremendous explosion.
In another helpful edition of the DNI’s DEI DIVE to FBI, CIA and NSA, the newsletter tells the touching story of an American intelligence officer who says — and as God is my witness this is a real quote from the DNI newsletter: “I am an intelligence officer, and I am a man who likes to wear women’s clothes sometimes. My gender identity and expression make me a better intelligence officer.”
The officer goes on to explain that cross-dressing not only makes his intelligence work more incisive but also more becoming in a pink chiffon mini sundress with a naughty but nice sweetheart neckline that’s simply perfect for reporting on young foreign-born males who want to hasten the coming of the twelfth non-denominational clergyman Pastor Bob…  But at this point, the article is interrupted by a shout of &#8220;Allahu Akbar!&#8221; followed by a tremendous explosion.
So, as you can see, we can all rest easy at night knowing that Congressman Swalwell’s mistress DNI Fang Fang has a cross-dressing Communist CIA Agent keeping watch to make sure no one uses offensive language while President Big Guy is being paid by China with the money they make laundering the profits Mexican gangsters collect for killing Americans.
All that said, I’ll now begin my satire.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1174-the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

President Biden Hosts Ireland’s Prime Minister Leo Varadkar

Hanging With President ‘Big Guy’ And His National Intelligence Leaders

Hanging With President 'Big Guy' And His National Intelligence Leaders

Communist China

Director of National Intelligence

Eric Swalwell

Humor

Mexico

All my life I’ve been in the business of observing the world and writing or talking about what I see and experience. And one of the things I can tell you is that it isn’t easy to communicate the truth with complete accuracy. There are always going to be small discrepancies between what you report and what actually happened.
For instance, last week, in a speech in Ohio, Donald Trump promised that if he was re-elected president, he would stop China from undermining our automobile industry. Then he added, “That’s if I get elected. If I don’t get elected, it’s going to be a bloodbath.”
The New York Times, a former newspaper, reported on the speech in a story headlined: “Trump Vows Nationwide Slaughter if not Returned to Power,” in which Times reporter Prissy Credential wrote,  “Pushing his campaign rhetoric to unprecedented levels of violence, former president Donald Trump swore he would unleash a bloodbath on America if he was not re-installed in the White House this November, an obvious threat to re-enact the January 6th, 2021, insurrection at the Capitol, the worst Constitutional crisis since the Civil War of the 1860s, when 700,000 Americans lost their lives, and Trump bathed in their blood, an unthinkably horrific act made famous by the 16th Century Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Bathory who imitated Trump by torturing and murdering more than 600 virgins and bathing in their blood, an act that inspired Bram Stoker in the writing of “Dracula,” which describes how Donald Trump would disguise himself as a coachman and ride out of the crumbling Trump Castle in the dead of night, whipping his six sin-black Trump horses into a lather as he descended on innocent villagers, morphing from a billionaire real estate mogul into a gigantic bat in order to plunge his teeth into the throats of innocent and shapely women and drain their lives away while they lay helpless in his clutches if he is not re-elected to the presidency. That’s why, in 2017, thousands of women took to the streets wearing pink hats and shrieking out of faces distorted by feminist rage to the point of repulsive ugliness in order to protest the 400-year rampage during which Trump fueled his soulless immortality with female blood, which many feminists consider not merely homicidal but also sexist and racist in its privileging of blond white women with large breasts nearly exposed by their open nightgowns so that the thick scarlet drool dripping from Trump’s gore-soaked mouth could be seen by his demonic red eyes to be running in disgusting rivulets over their tremulous white flesh if he is not returned to office. Experts estimate that Trump’s insatiable thirst for human blood, combined with the supernatural longevity of his terrifyingly animated corpse, may have resulted in as many as 200,000 deaths over the centuries, or about a third of those Trump would have slaughtered on January 6th if it had been the Civil War, which it was as bad as, thus leaving a body count of almost a million people in the bloodbath Trump is threatening if he is not returned to the White House where he would impose a tariff on Chinese cars instead of murdering millions and bathing in their blood.”
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1173-goodbye-candace-because-christ-really-is-king-member-exclusive" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
Now, those of you who have journalistic training may have noticed that, here and there, the Times reporting veered from absolute accuracy in order to convey a deeper impression of the intent behind Trump’s words. Questioned about this journalistic practice, Times editor-in-chief Blithering Prevarication the Third explained, “Blood! Look! Blood, blood everywhere! Dripping, running, staining, oh God, mother, blood!” Mr. Third’s remarks were followed by a lengthy period of inarticulate sobbing, after which he became so upset that he vomited, which the paper plans to run tomorrow as its lead editorial.
Giving a more in-depth account of the Times’ impressionist reporting, Columbia School of Journalism Professor Vladimir Mohammed, who holds the J-School’s Walter Duranty Chair of Intentionally Rampant Mendacity, said “America is simply going to have to choose whether it can endure seven more months of Trump and the horrific atrocities we’re going to imagine he’ll commit. And that’s if he’s not elected. If he is elected, it’ll be a bloodbath.”
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1173-goodbye-candace-because-christ-really-is-king-member-exclusive" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

US-VOTE-POLITICS-TRUMP

Media Attempts To Interpret ‘Bloodbath’ Comment By Man In Red Hat

Media Attempts To Interpret 'Bloodbath' Comment By Man In Red Hat

Legacy Media

Well, both Joe Biden and Donald Trump have clinched the nomination of their parties to run for re-election, which means historically this will be the longest general election in history between a pair of candidates too old for the job whom no one wants to see run again except those Republican voters who love Donald Trump and those Democrat voters who feel, well, at least Biden is not a goggle-eyed socialist lunatic like every other Democrat but only a senile semi-dead man being used like a ventriloquist’s dummy by a cabal of goggle-eyed socialist lunatics who hope they can destroy American freedom before anyone realizes they’re holding Biden upright by his shirtsleeves like in “Weekend at Bernie’s” although in this case Bernie is the goggle-eyed socialist holding Bernie up because Bernie is Joe … and Joe is Bernie.
With a Biden-Trump rematch bearing down on us like a locomotive and America tied to the tracks screaming “Help! Help!” in a high-pitched voice in the hope some Canadian Mountie will rescue her, which seems unlikely since the Canadians are now a bunch of Left-wing fascists, corporate media outlets are assigning their best journalists to cover the all-important beat of what Trump will do in their hysterical womanish imaginations if he’s re-elected.
For instance, CNN’s Van Jones, reporting from his womanish imagination, said, “If Trump is re-elected, Russian troops will march across western Europe in my womanish imagination until the whole world is as hysterical as I am. Trump will imprison his political opponents and destroy democracy which is why we have to put Trump in prison and let people vote by simply driving by the polling place and shouting Joe Biden’s name out the window or what sounds to me like Joe Biden’s name even if it’s Donald Trump’s. This is Van Jones, reporting from my womanish imagination.” 
CNN Chief Executive Solitary McLonesome spoke about the new assignments in a speech to his childhood friend Pooky the Teddy Bear, saying, “Listen, Pooky, we have got to go all out covering the Trump atrocities that will occur in our womanish imaginations or we’ll be left behind in reality with a senile corruptocrat president ruining everything, and you know our audience doesn’t want reality, Pooky-poo, because you are our audience.”
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1172-princess-kate-and-catfish-girl" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
MSNBC has given Joe Scarborough the assignment of reporting on the imaginary bad things Trump will do if re-elected because of Scarborough’s long experience on the womanish imagination beat. NBC News President Idie O’Log speaking to an inflatable life-sized El Chapo she keeps hidden in her bedroom closet said “Viewers feel they can trust Joe Scarborough because they look into his eyes and see a cavernous darkness where his soul used to be, so they understand he will give them a full report on the terrible things Trump will do in his womanish imagination if re-elected, instead of the horrible truth about what’s happening right now, which would just be disturbing, oh mi corazon.”
As a model of expert coverage of the womanish imagination beat, journalists around the country are turning to the New York Times, a former newspaper, and their opinion page, known throughout the industry as Knucklehead Row. One shining example of the Times’s Pulitzer Prize winning womanish imagination coverage came in a column by Charles Blows entitled, “What Trump will do in My Womanish Imagination if he is Re-Elected.” The column begins, “When I consider the possibility that Trump will be re-elected, I peer into my womanish imagination and see a devastating vision of utter chaos created by journalists shrieking about what’s happening in their womanish imaginations. The stories about Donald Trump rampaging through our hysterical daydreams will absolutely destroy our country by causing violent leftists to burn down cities while we pretend they aren’t because Trump is not doing the horrible things that we pretend he is.”
At the Washington Post, leftist womanish imagination reporter Dana Milbank took a more humorous tack in a column — and this is a real column — called “My Month of Living Republicanly.” Milbank visited gun shows and Christian outlets where he found stickers and posters with outlandish assertions that distort the truth. Next week, Milbank will uncover outlandish leftist assertions that distort the truth — by reading the Washington Post.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1172-princess-kate-and-catfish-girl" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Global Citizen NOW

Biden-Trump Rematch Brings Out The Hysterical Womanish Imaginations Of Journalists

Republicans

You know, some people say that Americans are politically divided. And sure, that’s true in some ways, like the fact that we’re on the brink of civil war. But that doesn’t mean we can’t all get along. Because in fact, when it comes to the far-Left and the far-Right, they really have a lot in common.
Now of course the far-Left and the far-Right are in different situations. The far-Left owns the presidency, the senate, the deep state, the news media, Hollywood, and academia or as they call themselves, “the resistance,” so they’re trying to figure out whether to destroy the country by polluting the minds of children with sexual deviance, or by printing so much worthless money it&#8217;s cheaper to start World War III than to buy a loaf of bread.
The far-Right owns the comment section at InfoWars and some really cool Star Trek memorabilia, so they’re trying to figure out how much Fortnite they can charge to their mother’s credit card before she catches on.
But once you get past these superficial differences, the two sides are so similar they really should be the best of friends. For instance, they both hate Jews. The far-Left hates Jews because Jews won’t allow their race to be exterminated in order to put an end to genocide. Also, Jews have been oppressed by racism more than any other people yet they use education and intact families to thrive without government assistance which would be disastrous for the Left if blacks ever caught on.
The far-Right hates Jews because they have big noses and rub their hands together while chuckling in a sinister manner before unleashing their space lasers on Hollywood, plus they’ve enlisted hundreds of eminent historians to perpetuate the myth of the Holocaust with photographs and documentation, whereas you only have to read one article by a hate-filled lunatic to realize the whole thing was faked. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it, because you’ve only read one article.
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1171-fantasy-land-is-burning" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
The far-Left and the far-Right both hate marriage. The far-Left hates marriage because it leads to happy independent families who don’t need the government to build well-run lives that uplift the financial and moral standards of everyone around them thus foiling the Left’s brilliant plans to build a state-run paradise of perversion, crime and despair.
The far-Right hates marriage because it’s for simps who get lured into becoming simp husbands and simp fathers by conniving women with their sneakily alluring bodies who then suddenly divorce the simps just because they caught them having computer sex with a 13-year-old Korean prostitute who was actually a 45-year-old fat man manipulating a deep fake video, and then the divorce laws destroy the simp man’s life because we’re living in a matriarchy, which is also a 45-year-old fat man manipulating an AI video, so if simps avoid marriage they can become alpha men, or lonely schmucks.
The far-Left and the far-Right both hate democracy. The far-Left hates democracy because at any moment some guy who doesn’t even live in New York City can express any opinion he wants and then vote for someone who’ll destroy democracy, which Left-wingers love as long as it’s not the democracy with voting in it because Left-wingers hate that democracy which threatens to destroy their democracy which is the one where everyone who disagrees with them goes to jail.
The far-Right hates democracy because they want a powerful strong man to put all the Communists and homosexuals in prison while Zionist NGOs cry boo hoo hoo just because a few rights have been violated because the Zionist NGOs are also simps who don’t like powerful strong men with their bulging muscles and sweaty smell which the far-Right loves because they’re alpha men and there’s nothing alpha men love more than being dominated by powerful sweaty strong men who hate homosexuals.
And more than Jews, marriage and democracy, the far-Left and the far-Right hate each other. Because whenever they look at each other it’s like looking in a mirror. And looking in the mirror is what the far-Left and the far-Right hate more than anything else.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1171-fantasy-land-is-burning" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

AKS_Intro_240308_08

It Turns Out The Far-Left And The Far-Right Really Have A Lot In Common

Far-right

Leftists

Marriage

You may have heard a news story out of Scotland this week about “Willy’s Chocolate Experience.”
Advertisements for the event featured gorgeous illustrations reminiscent of Roald Dahl’s &#8220;Charlie and the Chocolate Factory&#8221; and promised “an immersive world where chocolatey dreams become reality in a spectacle you’ve never experienced before.”
That last part turned out to be true — because when parents who’d paid $45 a ticket drove their children as much as two hours to reach the event, they found nothing but a nearly empty warehouse with a couple of giant plastic mushrooms and a deflating bouncy castle, where each child was given two jelly beans and a half cup of lemonade.
So it was indeed something they had never experienced before, assuming they’d never before experienced spending $45 for a couple of jelly beans.
Unfortunately, the story doesn’t end there, because here in the U.S. a very similar event has turned up called “Joe Biden’s Democrat Experience,” where customers are invited to visit “a magical and immersive nation of peace and equity” and instead are disappointingly shot dead by a guy who was released from prison two hours after he shot the last customer.
Family man Jack Mahoney said he bought tickets for himself, his wife and two kids because the ads promised a “visually stunning re-creation of a victorious Ukraine celebrating its inclusion in NATO,” but instead found nothing inside except a nuclear blast that destroyed the entire continent of Europe. Mahoney said, “It was a big letdown for the kids. They were really excited to enter the colorful and immersive experience of Joe Biden’s successful foreign policy and instead they were just totally vaporized. All we got was a Dixie cup with some flat ginger ale in it, and some baggies to collect the handfuls of radioactive dust that used to be Jimmy and Jane. We’re still trying to get a refund.”
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1170-gemini-says-elon-musk-is-hitler" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
The organization Queers for a Free Palestine rented an entire tour bus to visit the realistic Two State Solution exhibit and they haven’t been seen since. According to bus driver Ray Wilson who was waiting for the tour group outside, “I heard a lot of laughing and shrieking coming from the building, so I thought everyone was having a great time. But when I went in to collect my passengers, boy, it didn’t look anything like the advertisements. There weren’t even two states. Or that is, there were, but only for a few minutes. Then there was just the one state with all the dead queers in it.”
Other visitors to Joe Biden’s Democrat Experience have complained that they headed out with their $45 for tickets but when they reached the place after an hour’s drive, the price had already gone up to $600. And some say what was advertised as a “fantabulous fantasy land of gender equality,” turned out to be nothing but a long-haired psychopath in a female admiral’s costume chasing their sons around with a scalpel.
Not all the customers were disappointed though. A small gathering of ten million illegal immigrants was drawn in by promises of “a beautiful sanctuary city of the imagination where there’s no more need for police because the prosecutors don’t charge anyone with crimes anyway.” Salvadoran Gang-leader Pablo Remuneratos said, “It was just as good as advertised. I walked out with fifteen free Rolex watches and a fur coat, not to mention the screaming woman who was wearing the fur coat — and these people dressed up as police officers just waved and smiled and said, ‘Welcome to the Joe Biden Democrat Experience!’ They made me feel right at home.”
Others said the event was simply confusing, as when they tried to get into what was described in the ads as “a dark and terrifying funhouse that will immerse you in a nightmarish vision of a second Donald Trump administration.” Visitor Tom Coleman said, “We were expecting some horror-type thrills and chills, but it was actually kind of peaceful and pleasant — until someone from NBC News showed up and set the whole thing on fire. We asked him what the hell he did that for, and he said he just wanted to make it look more like the advertisements.”
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1170-gemini-says-elon-musk-is-hitler" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Willy Choclate Experience Glasgow. Get your Tickets!

If You Liked Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Experience, You’ll Love Joe Biden’s Democrat Experience

If You Liked Willy Wonka's Chocolate Experience, You'll Love Joe Biden’s Democrat Experience

Roald Dahl

Scotland

Willy Wonka

The Joe Biden campaign team is ramping up its efforts to re-elect the president. They’ve already sent out official emails informing Biden that he’s president, he’s running for re-election, and his name is Joe Biden. They’ve removed the illegal classified documents from his basement so there’ll be more room for him to hide down there. And they’re returning the influence peddling money he took from the Chinese so the Chinese can pay scientists to develop a new virus that will give Biden an excuse to hide in the basement where he can wander around aimlessly, wondering what happened to all his classified documents. Meanwhile, one campaign worker has been assigned the job of compiling a list of Biden’s accomplishments, which mostly involves tapping his pencil against a pad of paper and scratching his chin.
The Daily Wire has acquired the first cut of an early campaign commercial, in which the president looks sincerely into the camera and says, “Four years ago, I promised to unite this country, by extending the hand of good will to crap-faced MAGA Nazis who want to destroy Democracy. But we have to stay the course. We can&#8217;t just run away in humiliating chaos like we did in Afghanistan. Otherwise, Donald Trump might get back in office — and sure, Trump had a great economy at home and a peaceful world abroad, but he was mean to journalists and, after all, they’re people too. And look what he did to our border. During his last month in office, seventeen illegal aliens were released into our country and we still haven’t found them. They could be hiding anywhere, maybe in the crowd of 200-thousand illegal aliens we released last week. How could we even tell them apart since they’re all Mexicans? Except for the Arabs and Chinese. They’re easy to tell apart because they’re the ones holding the explosives. But the Mexicans all look pretty much alike and all their songs have the word ‘corazon’ in them so they sound the same too. But without them, we wouldn’t have any lettuce. And sure, lettuce tastes like paper. It’s disgusting. But it’s good for you. So vote for me. I’m Joe Biden and I approved this message. Who am I?”
At the center of the campaign will be the slogan, “Guess what? Bidenomics is working,” which Biden will deliver himself in a terrifying, raspy whisper that sounds like the voice of a demon spewing hellish lies like “Guess what? Bidenomics is working.”
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1169-the-persecution-of-donald-trump-member-exclusive" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
The problem is that, while the economy is booming, the American people somehow feel it’s not giving them what they need. Like food. And gasoline to put in the car they used to have before they sold it to buy food. And bus fare, because they don’t have a car anymore and they’re too hungry to walk. But in reality, the economy IS doing great in certain sectors. Like in the imaginations of journalists. And in the Biden campaign, which last month received over $40 million in donations from loyal Democrat donor organizations like Jews for People Who Hate Jews, and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Who Don’t Want to Go to Prison Even Though They’ve Committed Crimes. So guess what? Bidenomics is working.
Biden campaign director Juanita Mohammed Chou LI Mohammed Rodriguez Mohammed — whose pronouns are they and them — says both they and them are hoping they can change people’s minds by explaining exactly how — guess what — Bidenomics is working.
According to Miss and Mister Mohammed Rodriguez Chou, “First we printed so much money that prices skyrocketed and no one could afford anything, then we gave them the money we printed so they could buy food on Amazon.com. Then they ate the food and had nothing, but Jeff Bezos had all their money, so he could pay the few remaining reporters still employed at the Washington Post to write stories saying, Guess what? Bidenomics is working.”
The Biden camp can also point to another positive development, in that the unemployment rate is very low because people have stopped looking for work because illegal aliens have all the jobs. Which is also great because they don’t have to pay taxes so they can afford to buy more explosives.
So guess what?
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1169-the-persecution-of-donald-trump-member-exclusive" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

President Biden Discusses Bidenomics During Visit To CO Wind Tower Manufacturer

Biden Prepares Basement For Reelection Campaign

Some people say that conservatives can’t enjoy culture. These people think we’re all a bunch of troglodytic philistines who can’t tolerate the slightest deviance from outdated norms without harboring violent thoughts about whoever dares to exercise some creativity. Frankly, I hope the people who say these things die. Choking on their stinking culture until their eyes burst and come bubbling down their cheeks like acid that burns their faces off right in the middle of the Oscar speech in which they complain about Donald Trump’s morality just before telling their third wife they want a divorce while driving to see their mistress when they’re supposed to be picking their kid up from rehab. Even the thought of their painful deaths makes me laugh. Well, not laugh, but I make a sort of repeated guttural noise that more or less communicates amusement. Only sissies laugh.
But today, just to prove that these hostile cliches about conservatives aren’t true, I want to open the show with a review of a great American cultural event, the Super Bowl, which every conservative enjoys. Or used to enjoy back in the day when men were men — and they wore those adorable little leather helmets that made them look cute as a button.
This year’s contest began with Andra Day singing the Black National Anthem. And let me say right off this was a tremendous relief to me because I keep hearing black people are unhappy and until now, I worried America wasn’t treating them right. But it turns out black people live in an entirely different nation with its own anthem. So they’re not our problem. I mean, we have enough to worry about right here in America and can’t always be thinking about how people are treated in … Black Land, or whatever their country is called. If they want to be treated like Americans, they should come to live here. It’s like those women in Saudi Arabia who have to dress up like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come even when it’s not December. Sure, I wish they could dress like our girls in fishnet outfits with their bare asses hanging out. I love those. But they’re from Saudi Arabia — it’s another country, like the one the black folks have. If things are hard there, well, it’s just too bad.
Anyway, after the Black National Anthem, we sang our anthem for this country, and then the game began: lots of enormous guys running up and down the field, some of whom looked like they’d come all the way from the nation where the black people live, so it was nice to see they were allowed to visit here and participate, almost like real Americans.
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1168-info-apocalypse">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
Then, it was halftime, so I went downstairs to the kitchen to see my wife. I love my wife. She combines a comforting domesticity with a smoldering sensuality that still sets my heart on fire after all these years. So halftime was great. Also she made dinner, which was a definite plus because I’d worked up a real appetite watching the American football team play the visiting blacks.
I arrived back in the television room just in time to see some guy skating around in a sparkly blue muscle costume. And all right, that struck me as a little gay, but then the guy was black so maybe that’s how they do things where he comes from. Every country has its own culture and I think we have to be open-minded. As long as they don’t come here and make trouble I don’t care what they do back home. Probably sit around the campfire and sing their national anthem before — I don’t know — whatever — dancing on skates like gay people. I’m not here to judge.
Finally, there were the great commercials, masterworks of American creativity with Ben Affleck making $10 million for five minutes of work eating a donut with his soon-to-be ex-wife Jennifer Lopez, so he has some money to give her when she leaves him for Tom Brady. Now if we couldn’t appreciate American culture like that, we really would be philistines. Or as they call them today, Palestinians. Maybe we should give them their own country like the blacks. Nah, forget it — bad idea.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1167-snow-job-in-moscow-crap-storm-in-d-c-1234">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Super Bowl LVIII – San Francisco 49ers v Kansas City Chiefs

If Black People Have Their Own National Anthem, Does That Mean They Have Their Own Country?

National Anthem

Super Bowl

Days after three American soldiers were murdered by Iran, the Biden Administration has finally retaliated by firing missiles into Iraq and Syria where they made scary exploding noises so loud the Iranians could almost hear them all the way in Iran and, boy oh boy, wouldn’t they have been frightened then? 
State Department Spokesman John Kirby said the U.S. warned the Iranians that something really scary was going to happen in Iraq and Syria so that the Iranians would be so frightened, they&#8217;d have to stay in Iran where it was safe. Kirby said, “My hope was the Iranians would scream in terror, and we could laugh at them and say they sounded like women. You can bet they wouldn’t like that very much so it would be quite some time before they thought about murdering any more of our soldiers, believe you me.”
Later, Kirby changed his story and said the State Department had not warned the Iranians before the attack and the fault lay with CBS News who had publicized the upcoming attacks after receiving a press release about them from the State Department.
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden made a statement about the retaliatory attacks in a speech to several statues in the Capitol rotunda whom he mistook for other long-dead people he thought he’d been talking to recently. Biden said, “These meaningless attacks on places far from Iran are just the first of many meaningless attacks we plan to unleash on far away places. Like maybe Texas. I hate those people. The Iranians will just have to live in fear because they will never know where or when the next meaningless attack will fall on someplace far away until the very moment when we warn them about it to make sure they’re safely in Iran. As president, this is the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make because it means people will die — all right, not die, but you know what I mean. They would die if one of these missiles hit them, although I don’t see how that could possibly happen so that made the decision somewhat easier. But don’t for a minute think that military action is our only planned response to Iran. We’re also letting them build nuclear weapons so we won’t be able to attack them anymore because they’ll have nuclear weapons and those things are really dangerous. Then when we don’t attack them they won’t be mad at us and will stop murdering our soldiers, so problem solved. Also we’ll make sure not to put any more sanctions on them so they can make a lot of money selling oil which only makes sense because nuclear weapons are expensive and if they can’t afford them, the whole plan falls apart. After that, we’re going to draw a line in the sand, probably in the desert in Syria somewhere near where we fired the missiles, to let them know we will not tolerate their killing any more Americans — unless they just want to cross our southern border and kill them here, then I don’t know how we could possibly stop them. All in all, I am telling you this is a great victory, just like in Afghanistan when we retreated in humiliating chaos and I then told you it was a great victory. So this is just like that.”
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1167-snow-job-in-moscow-crap-storm-in-d-c-1234" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
In the same speech, according to one of the statues who was there, the president also reiterated his support for his vice president, saying, “I didn’t just appoint this historic sort of black person Camela or Kamahla or whatever the hell she calls herself. I also love her. And her hair smells great. So she’s on the team, unless I’m still alive in November, then I gotta dump her cause no one can stand her, but that seems unlikely. I’m barely alive as it is.”
The spokesman for the Iranian military, Mohammed Jihad Mohammed Jihad Jihad Jihad Mohammed, responded to the president’s threats by saying, “Americans can sleep soundly in their beds tonight, knowing that we will be shaking in our boots as we creep quietly into their bedrooms. I hope this will reassure them so they don’t do anything dangerous, like re-electing Donald Trump.”
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1167-snow-job-in-moscow-crap-storm-in-d-c-1234">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

US-BIDEN-POLITICS

Biden Fires Back At Iran. Now They Are So Scared. So Scared.

Biden Administration

Iran

Islamic Jihad

Middle East

U.S. Military

We were right when we said Trump’s Russian collusion was a hoax, but they called that a conspiracy theory. 
We were right when we said COVID came from a Chinese lab, but they called that a conspiracy theory. 
We were right when we said Hunter’s incriminating laptop was real, and they called that a conspiracy theory. 
Now they’re trying to convince us it’s a conspiracy theory that Taylor Swift is a CIA agent trained to create a green screen psyop that looked like a successful music tour so she could then pretend to fall in love with Pfizer plant Travis Kelce while he disguised himself as a tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs whom the deep state has constructed to win a make-believe Super Bowl choreographed by the same George Soros team that faked the World Trade Center attacks using the very crisis actors who pretended to land on the moon so that Taylor Swift could then endorse Joe Biden for re-election and the Democrat party could plausibly flood the polls with android Swiftie voters and steal yet another election from Donald Trump.
You can fool us once, my friend, but try to fool us a second time and we’ll start babbling gibberish and sticking our heads so far up our own asses we’ll be able to fart through our ears.
Clearly, Biden has found the key to winning back the voters. Yes, he&#8217;s in such a late stage of dementia his eyeballs roll around because even he can’t believe the unintelligible nonsense coming out of his mouth. He’s crammed our cities with unidentifiable illegal migrants, any hundred of whom could turn out to be terrorists. He’s encouraged tyrants to spread war throughout the world by his weakness and stupidity. But none of that matters, because he’s tweeting about Elmo, and who doesn’t love that ticklish little furball?
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1166-taylor-swift-loves-president-elmo" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you spritzing soda siphon of satiric silliness, where did you come up with the imaginative originality that allowed you to conceive of a president so idiotic he thought he could cheer up the country he’s demolishing by quoting a plush toy?
But no! I&#8217;m not making this up. With our soldiers being murdered and our border being invaded and with one war after another spinning out of control, Biden posted on X [and so help me I did not make up a single word of this] “I know how hard it is some days to sweep the clouds away and get to sunnier days. Our friend Elmo is right: We have to be there for each other.”
Don’t you feel better now? I know I do. Every time I start to despair about our crumbling nation, I hear that furry little red guy’s high-pitched giggle, and I think to myself, well, at least the president is too demented to know what’s happening so there’s still one person in the country who’s not depressed. If all the Americans who love Taylor Swift and all the Americans who love Sesame Street can just get together, we’ll soon be holding hands and singing the alphabet while sleeping with a seemingly endless series of gigolos. Either that or we’ll be singing about sleeping with gigolos while sitting with children who tickle us in order to hear us make that stupid giggling noise until you just want to remove the batteries while the child is in the bathroom and then gently explain to her when she comes out that Elmo won’t be giggling anymore because he’s gone to a better place.
In conclusion, with the West on the brink of destruction and World War III about to start, it’s time to stop messing around with nonsense like endorsements by pop stars and puppets, and turn to the serious business of making sure gay pornography is available to kindergartners. Otherwise, people are going to begin to get the idea that America is not a serious country.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1166-taylor-swift-loves-president-elmo" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Taylor Swift | The Eras Tour – Sao Paulo, Brazil

Is Taylor Swift A Psyop?

Conspiracy Theory

Sesame Street

Taylor Swift

You know, as the passions of election season rise, it’s easy to become hateful toward your political opponents and harbor daydreams of, say, picking them up by the heels and slamming their heads repeatedly into the floor, preferably a hard floor, like in a tiled bathroom so you can then carry them by the heels over to the toilet and dunk their heads in there again and again and finally just stuff them deep into the hole and flush and flush until they swirl down into the sewer like the pieces of crap they are and you can just watch their loafers disappear with a glowing inner sense of a patriotic job well done.
But we should always remember that we are Christians and plumbers are expensive, and if even one of those clowns gets himself stuck in the pipes, the bill is going to be astronomical. And also, Jesus said, “Love your enemies.” And sure, I don’t know what the hell he was talking about either, but just in case it was something important, I sometimes like to take a step back from the political fray and try to seek common ground between the conservatives trying to preserve American prosperity and liberty and the locusts trying to devour all that in a frantically clamorous black cloud of insectile greed and demonic stupidity.
So for just a few moments, let’s put our animosities aside, and try to make a level-headed comparison between conservative philosophy and those noises leftists make that sound like a cross between a tortured seagull and Joy Reid.
Conservatives believe that individuals are created to act freely within the broad confines of human moral understanding, and that that freedom can only be maintained by strictly limiting the power of the powerful.
<h4><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1165-die-sports-illustrated-die" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h4>
Leftists believe that whenever someone says that in their vicinity they should set cars on fire and shout him down by chanting meaningless bumper sticker slogans at the top of their lungs until the spit flies from their mouths and their eyes roll up in their heads and still, they go on shrieking and shrieking “This is what democracy looks like!” until it’s clear to everyone but the news media that leftists think democracy looks like an entire city burning to the ground while mobs of mindless thugs steal every piece of electronic equipment they can lay their hands on, when really I think democracy is supposed to look more like voting, but maybe that’s just me.
Conservatives believe that normal human life centers on the complementary natures of the two sexes, male and female, which were made to come together in committed love in order to continue God’s creation of life in a harmony of spirit and flesh.
Leftists believe that human sexuality is best represented by Richard Levine, who currently sits in a strait jacket in his shadowy cell in the bowels of Arkham Asylum, but dreams of the day when he and the Joker might escape into Gotham City so he can don his woman costume and once again become the supervillain Rachel with the power to drag children to his moldering hideout in the foggy crags of Mount Perversion where he can begin the experimental surgeries that will turn boys into girls and vice versa until those fools who imprisoned him finally realize he’s the normal one and they’re all mad, mad, mad, I tell you.
Conservatives believe that capitalism is a genius economic system because it uses human ingenuity and free choice to create more wealth for every level of society than ever before in human history.
Leftists believe that if they can just steal that wealth at gunpoint, they can use everyone else’s money to build a utopia so beautiful it will be worth enslaving and slaughtering the millions who try to get in their way like they did in the last six utopias.
Conservatives believe that the greatest blessings humans know on earth are their children, and society should be built to support the healthy family life that is their best environment.
Leftists believe babies should be killed in the womb because once they’re born all they ever do is scream gibberish and use up your resources and crap all over everything … so they’re just like leftists and no one wants more of those.
<h4><a href="https://onelink.to/dwapp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">CLICK HERE TO GET THE DAILY WIRE APP</a></h4>
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The House of Love and Death</a>,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1165-die-sports-illustrated-die" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Speaker with megaphone. Art collage.

Comparing Conservative Philosophy To Those Noises Leftists Make

Conservatives

U.S. Politics

Menu