Why Don’t Americans Like Democrat Policies When Democrat Policies Are So Great?
WASHINGTON, DC - APRIL 18: Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) speaks during the Toddler Choice Awards on Capitol Hill on April 18, 2024 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Leigh Vogel/Getty Images for
(Photo by Leigh Vogel/Getty Images for

With Joe Biden sinking in the polls like a corrupt, senile inflatable duck with a hole in the bottom, Democrats are using all their resources to answer one question: Why don’t Americans like Democrat policies when Democrat policies are so great?

The search for answers began after Congresswoman and Conniving Harridan Nancy Pelosi was invited to speak at Oxford University so British students could hear what their language sounds like after you take all the meaning out of it.

Harridan Pelosi told the students that Americans are (and this is a real quote), “Poor souls who are looking for some answers. We Democrats have given them the answers, but they’re blocked by some of their views on guns, gays, and God, by which they mean a woman’s right to choose — and the cultural issues cloud some of their reception of an argument that really is in their interest.”

Now some of the Oxford students felt Pelosi’s words revealed that arrogant Democrat elites are completely ignorant about the ideas of ordinary people, while other students were too busy playing Candy Crush on their phones to hear what she said. But here at home, Democrats immediately decided to find out, why poor American souls won’t accept Democrat answers, when Democrat answers are so great.

WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

To study the problem, American journalists and other non-journalists traveled to Red States in their imaginations by picturing stupid people who hate blacks and trying to think of what they might say if they were asked questions.

What follows is a transcript of some of those interviews.

Journalist: Why do you hate the economy when the economy is so great?

Imaginary Stupid Black-hating Red State Person: I hate the economy because I love guns and want to ban books because I’m prejudiced against homos.

Other Journalist: Well, why do you hate diversity, equity and inclusion when they’re so great?

Other Stupid Imaginary Red State Person: I hate diversity, equity and inclusion because blacks are trying to replace real Americans in a secret conspiracy by Mexico. 

Yet Another Journalist: Well, then why do you hate abortion when abortion is so great?

Yet Another Imaginary Stupid Nazi-like Trump Lover: I hate abortion because women should be submissive and make sandwiches instead of having sex without babies attached to them.

The results of these interviews were then rushed over to Scientific American and other non-scientific anti-Americans and published as peer-reviewed studies.

In one study entitled, “Psychologists Explain Why Racist Americans Can’t See the Economy is so Great,” expert medical professionals from Dr. Jill Biden to Doogie Howser explain: these poor foolish Americans don’t like paying five dollars for a dozen eggs because they’re ignorant of the fact that eggs raised your cholesterol levels in 1968 when doctors thought eggs raised your cholesterol levels. So actually, high egg prices keep you healthy in 1968 so that you can live until doctors realize that eggs are good for you, even though by that time you won’t be able to afford them. 

Another Scientific American article was headlined, “DEI — It’s So Great.” The article explains why hiring airplane pilots on the basis of their sex and skin-color is so great, according to experts such as Denzel Washington, a black pilot in a major motion picture. Scientists studying what Washington would have said if someone had asked him, explain that DEI hiring is so great because in the past, there were not enough black and female pilots and now there will be for at least a brief period of time.

Scientific American also ran a peer-reviewed study reviewed by such peers as Peers Brosnan and Peers Morgan, which asked the question: why can’t conservatives see abortion is so great when without abortion you might have to change diapers for three years when all you wanted was a little rumpty-tumpty? The article revealed that conservatives are psychologically less sensitive to gender inequality than leftists and therefore are happier but in a stupid kind of way that thinks babies shouldn’t be slaughtered.

So now that Democrats have developed a scientific understanding of why Americans don’t like their policies, they have set to work imprisoning their political opponents, silencing dissent on social media and arresting anti-abortion protesters so they can win re-election anyway. Because Democrats are just so great.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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The Daily Wire   >  Read   >  Why Don’t Americans Like Democrat Policies When Democrat Policies Are So Great?