Opinion

Washington Post: Vote For Biden Or We’ll Kill You [Satire]

   DailyWire.com
A protester scuffles with a Trump supporter (R) in Kenosha, Wisconsin, on September 1, 2020, amid ongoing demonstrations after the shooting by police of Jacob Blake. - President Donald Trump on September 1 took his tough law and order message to Kenosha, the latest US city roiled by the police shooting of a black man, as he branded recent anti-racism protests acts of "domestic terror" by violent mobs. (Photo by Kerem Yucel / AFP) (Photo by KEREM YUCEL/AFP via Getty Images)
Kerem Yucel/AFP via Getty Images

Either the following is satirical or the original article is satirical, we’re not sure which.

In The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in flatulent dishonesty, a law professor named Rosa Brooks has written an op-ed gaming out what will happen in various scenarios after the November election.

Brooks reports, “A landslide for Joe Biden resulted in a relatively orderly transfer of power. Every other scenario we looked at involved street-level violence and political crisis.”

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh ho ho, Klavan, you bubbling cauldron of hilarity, once again you have both enlightened us and made us laugh with that rambunctiously rib-tickling satirical wit that somehow manages to capture the absurdity of leftist solipsism while at the same time deepening not only our political understanding but our enjoyment of life as well. And you’re so good-looking too.”

But no, that, so help me, is an actual word-for-word quote from the article.

Rosa Brooks says if we don’t elect a doddering relic of a once-merely-stupid second-rate politician, there will be bloodshed.

Brooks goes on to say, “We consulted some of the most accomplished intellectuals in the bar on the ground floor of our building, and asked them to imagine a series of election scenarios. We concluded that if Donald Trump wins, Democrats will challenge the outcome by stopping the business of government completely through a bogus three-year investigation into Russian interference and, when that blows up in their faces, they’ll move on to reacting hysterically to every little thing Trump does and even impeach him over absolutely nothing.”

“Finally, they’ll spread racial hysteria until their fellow leftists are destroying cities and terrorizing ordinary citizens,” she concluded. “So vote for Biden or we’ll burn this stupid country to the ground.”

When she finished writing the article, Miss Brooks set her hair on fire and ran through the halls of the newspaper shrieking until the windows shattered, raining glass on the people below.

The Post op-ed is the first in a series. Tomorrow’s sequel is entitled, “Vote for Biden or we’ll kill you. We know where you live.”

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Democrats Praise Peaceful Protests As Violent Riots That Are Trump’s Fault

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