WALSH: Dems Dig Up Shocking Dirt On Amy Coney Barrett, Trump’s Potential SCOTUS Pick. Here’s What They Discovered.

Note: The following piece employs devices known as sarcasm and parody, which frequently confuse the outrage mob and totally unbiased fact-checkers.

It is widely anticipated that President Donald Trump will select Amy Coney Barrett to take the Supreme Court seat that Republicans callously intend to fill even though Democrats have specifically said that they’d prefer to do it. It is also widely anticipated that the latter will dig up many dark secrets about the judge, just in time for the confirmation hearings. It’s hard to know what these secrets will be, mainly because Chuck Schumer hasn’t invented them yet. Perhaps it will be discovered that she is an assassin for the mob, or that she illegally poaches the tusks of endangered elephants, or that she is a serial killer and neo-Nazi and reptilian shapeshifter who frequently double parks and never tips the pizza delivery guy. After Brett Kavanaugh was exposed as the ring leader of a roving band of teenaged gang rapists, anything is possible.