WALSH: All Hail Our Benevolent Rulers And Protectors

A police officer wears a protective mask while listening to Carlos Gimenez, mayor of Miami-Dade County, not pictured, speak during a news conference in Miami, Florida, U.S., on Monday, April 27, 2020. On Wednesday Miami-Dade's six-week closure order for parks will officially end, replaced by a new set of rules aimed at limiting close encounters during the coronavirus pandemic, according to the Miami Herald. Photographer: Eva Marie Uzcategui/Bloomberg via Getty Images
Photographer: Eva Marie Uzcategui/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Some of my fellow citizens seem to be less than grateful for the things the government has done to keep us safe during this time, such as arresting moms on the playground and busting blackmarket hair stylists. The claim has been made that we are being “oppressed.” Let’s put that notion to rest at once. The government is not oppressing us. They are protecting us. Anyone who has studied history knows that no government has ever oppressed anyone in the name of protecting them. 

It should also be emphasized that all of these policies are temporary. The government has, on many occasions throughout our history, put onerous yet temporary measures in place during emergencies. It is nothing to worry about. They always terminate the measures once the crisis has passed, which is why the federal income tax and the TSA no longer exist. 

The point is that this is not a time to be worried about silly things like “rights.” The way some people ramble on about rights, it’s almost as if they think rights are inalienable and endowed by the Creator. Wherever did they get such an absurd notion? No, your rights are conditional, and can be rescinded whenever a disease is spreading widely in your state, or might spread widely in your state, or maybe already has spread widely in your state. Mind you, we won’t go to these lengths for every disease. Only ones that kill a certain number of people, or might kill that many people according to models and projections. There’s a cutoff, you see, a point where we must go from doing nothing at all in response to a virus to shutting down our entire civilization. The government knows what the cutoff is but won’t tell us. And that’s fine. 

The most important thing is that you take this threat seriously. But not so seriously that you put on a mask before going to the store. Actually, never mind, you should wear a mask at the store. Actually, come to think of it, you must wear a mask or else you’ll be arrested. Otherwise, when you’re not at the store, or doing something else essential like buying lottery tickets and beer, or getting an abortion, you must be at home. Studies show that the virus spreads most rapidly and efficiently indoors through prolonged contact with family members. That is why the government insists that you stay indoors and have prolonged contact with family members. The logic here is really quite unassailable. If you don’t understand, don’t worry. They will understand it for you. 

The virus is especially deadly to elderly people, most of whom are no longer in the workforce. It would be quite easy for them to stay home and self-isolate, but it was decided that everyone else should stay home too, becoming destitute in solidarity. The good news is that our government, in its great wisdom and mercy, has allowed essential businesses like Walmart and Best Buy and Taco Bell and Baskin Robbins and Larry’s Beer Shack to stay open. These businesses are essential in the sense that they are essential to you, as a citizen, and this is all about helping and protecting you. 

Unfortunately, however, your own job is not essential to you. Which, well, actually, that means you won’t have money to buy the essential stuff from the essential stores. The stuff is essential to you, but the money required to buy it is not essential. So, you’ll just have to stand in line with ten thousand other people at the food bank instead. Or try your hand at fishing or cultivating crops. Actually, don’t go fishing. You’ll be arrested for that. And don’t grow your own food either because it’s illegal to buy seeds. You will be arrested for any violation of social distancing, even if your violation of social distancing is not a violation of social distancing, and even though social distancing must be violated in order for you to be arrested for violating it, although you didn’t actually violate it to begin with. 

The government knows this is a difficult time, even an inconvenient time. They feel your pain. Everyone must make sacrifices. You must sacrifice your job, income, livelihood, freedom, and self-determination, and government officials must sacrifice 45 minutes each day to hold press conferences. We are all in this together, indeed. So do your part by listening, obeying, and not asking too many questions. That’s what American is all about. 

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