Well, the primary season has begun, so we can finally forget all those useless and ignorant speculations about what will happen next and report the actual results of the Iowa caucuses followed by useless and ignorant speculations about what will happen next.
Donald Trump eked out a victory in the Iowa contest by winning over several key voting blocs, including Iowans, other Iowans, and the rest of the Iowans. With Trump winning 98 of Iowa’s 99 counties and with the 99th county being populated only by a guy named Homer who thought the caucuses were on Thursday instead of Tuesday because both days begin with a ‘T’ and it’s easy to get them confused, Trump’s opponents were left splitting the rest of the state, which consists of a little town named Doon, whose votes are suspect because they spell Doon D-o-o-n, so they obviously have no idea what they’re doon.
In the wake of Trump’s triumph, Vivek Ramaswamy dropped out of the race, Ron DeSantis said he would stay in the race but would change his name to Vivek Ramaswamy so it seemed like he was outperforming expectations, and Nikki Haley declared victory and ordered the invasion of North Korea.
The news media and other Democrats reacted to Trump’s victory with anger, saying they were appalled that mere members of the public had voted for Trump after the news media had specifically instructed them not to, because if you can’t trust the news media who can you trust besides literally anyone else.
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On MSNBC, Rachel Maddow refused to show Trump’s victory speech and began babbling wildly that she would not expose her audience to misinformation — before she came to her senses and remembered she was on MSNBC. On CNN, Jake Tapper also cut away from Trump’s speech and instead played a highlight reel of his favorite moments from his old newscasts, like when he told Americans it was okay to let COVID dominate their lives because it had dominated their lives. Tapper hopes to spin the comment off into a new series called “Jake Tapper Through the Ages,” in which he tells Americans it’s okay to let Britain dominate their colonies because they have dominated their colonies and it’s okay to let the Nazis dominate Europe because they have dominated Europe. Fortunately for Tapper, he made these absurd remarks where no one would hear him, namely on CNN.
At the New York Times, a former newspaper, editorial board member Vastly Sententious wrote “Republican voters support the racism of Donald Trump because they are white people whose whiteness causes them to act in a racist white manner due to their white Caucasian whiteness. These are the sort of bigots who want to ban homosexual pornography from kindergarten libraries simply because putting homosexual pornography in kindergarten libraries is the sickest thing anyone’s ever heard of. They want Trump to close the border to keep out illegal Mexican farmworkers so there’ll be no one to pick our lettuce and we’ll be forced to eat things that have flavor even when you don’t smother them in creamy blue cheese dressing. In short, without Democrats in office to imprison political opponents, censor speech on social media, raid the homes of anti-abortion protestors, investigate parents as terrorists when they try to protect their children from Teacher Union pedophiles and spy on Catholics who attend the Latin Mass, Donald Trump is sure to transform the nation into a police state.”
Ria Joseph, an obscure political columnist on a small town newspaper, pointed out that the Iowa results may not be that important because (A) there are only seventeen people in Iowa, (B) only eight of them showed up to caucus because the temperature was a hundred and four below zero and (C) most Republican candidates who have won Iowa in the last 45 years have not gone on to be the party’s nominee. Miss Joseph was immediately surrounded by other commentators and beaten into unconsciousness so they could return to their hysterically overblown reactions without being interrupted.
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden also reacted to Trump’s victory, saying, “It’s time for Americans to look in the mirror and ask themselves: Who am I? and then let me know who I am because I’ll be damned if I can remember.”
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.