Well, now it’s my turn. I expected something like this might happen. It had to. I have been successful in fighting against the left’s agenda, especially the trans agenda. Those who support the sexual mutilation of children know full well that I am a threat to them. We’re winning and they’re losing. And they know it. They cannot engage with our arguments, they cannot oppose us on the battlefield of ideas, so instead they look for another way. Now they’re convinced they’ve found their kill shot against me by using the same method they always use: digging up ancient history — doing the internet equivalent of rummaging through garbage cans — to find things done and said years ago which can be used to defame and, they hope, silence me today.
Yes, my PR team over at Media Matters apparently wasn’t satisfied to promote just my current show, so they decided to go back 15 years to my time as a rock radio host on an obscure station in Delaware. They spent, it would seem, many tedious hours listening to segments and bits from my time as a shock jock in my early 20s. It could not have been easy to sit through. I commend their persistence. Now they’ve compiled their findings into an “expose” that promises to reveal my “sordid past.” Honestly, I never thought of myself as having a sordid past. I figured my life was far too boring for that. But it turns out that I am a more interesting person than I had previously thought.
As for the vultures at Media Matters, and the Leftists who’ve picked up this hit piece and run with it, they are not very interesting. They are as pathetic and desperate as I’ve always known them to be. The Left isn’t interested in investigating children’s hospitals that literally castrate and butcher children. In fact, such investigations are an act of terrorism, they insist. But they will take the time to scour the internet for evidence that I made offensive remarks when I was 23 years-old. That, in their minds, is far more relevant to the public. A matter of much greater national urgency.
With that in mind, let’s talk now, for a few moments, about the deep dark secrets of my past. The skeletons that have been hiding in my closet, waiting to be discovered by an intrepid reporter at Media Matters. I will tell you the whole ghastly story, even the parts that Media Matters didn’t include.
When I was 20 years old, I moved into a one bedroom apartment in a small town in Delaware and started working at a rock station with a staggering audience that easily reached into the hundreds. Those are my humble beginnings — or the dark and sinister origins of the world’s most notorious terrorist, depending on who you listen to. I worked at the station until I was 25. For a couple of years during that period, I hosted a morning show where we often flouted the rules of political correctness (as was the custom on morning radio at the time).
In their hit piece, Media Matters presents evidence that I used racially insensitive humor, that I told inappropriate jokes, that I engaged in other offensive activities. All of that is, of course, true. They also accuse me of physically abusing our radio interns by tasing one of them as a joke. This is also true, and I submit, still funny. In fairness, I got tased too. In fact, I invented a game called taser trivia where, as the name suggests, you are asked trivia questions and if you get it wrong, you get tased. Media Matters didn’t post that video but they should. It’s quite shocking.
That’s the sort of content you missed out on if you didn’t live in southern Delaware in the early 2000s. But there’s more. Media Matters reveals that I once challenged the intern to lick the inside of a dumpster. Which again is true, but the part they leave out is that afterwards we called a doctor on the air to find out what sort of diseases he might have picked up from the stunt. From what I recall, the answer was “many.”
Also, again as Media Matters exposes, like any other hacky morning show at the time, we did prank calls. Some of the prank calls were offensive by current standards. Sometimes on a call I would imitate a black man. On one occasion I attempted to portray a man with split personalities, one of whom was black and the other white. It worked better on paper than it did in execution. But not all of our prank calls were racially charged. Only most of them were. We did one where I called a hotel pretending to be a wizard who had left his magical sword in his room. It was, I think without question, the nerdiest prank call anyone has ever made, and deserves to be recognized as such in the Guinness Book of World Records. But Media Matters didn’t include that video in their expose. Maybe they can find room for it in the follow up that I’m sure is coming soon.
Yet it wasn’t all fun and games. Media Matters reports that I made politically inflammatory statements, including at a Tea Party rally where I got into an argument with a guy in the audience while I was on stage, and it ended with me calling him an, quote, “old fart.” That’s the kind of devastating insult I could throw around before I became one myself.
But my political extremism wasn’t confined to yelling at people at Tea Party rallies. One thing Media Matters doesn’t mention — perhaps doesn’t know, but now they will — is that I ran for mayor of my town and lost by a vote of, if I remember correctly, 450 to 26. The campaign ultimately floundered because I never campaigned. Also, I had no platform of any kind. I mainly just entered the race because I thought it would be funny. And it was. It doesn’t end there. Other leftists have now joined the hunt, digging up their own evidence. One now-viral video shows me and my co-host burning a book over a charcoal grill. We then dance around the flames and make whooping noises like Indians. That’s all real, but the back story is that we had the author, whose name I forget, on the show. He annoyed us, for reasons I also forget, so we said we were going to burn his book in reprisal. And we did. And again, it was funny.
But the Left is not satisfied to merely accuse me of racism, terrorism, political extremism, and workplace violence. They are also absurdly claiming that I advocated child brides. For that bit of defamation, they are using another segment, from over a decade ago, where we discussed the issue of teen pregnancy. I pointed out that in the past, teen pregnancy wasn’t considered a problem because people got married younger. I was attempting to highlight the fact that unwed pregnancy is a core problem that plagues our society, and is still a problem even when the unwed pregnant person is an adult. No matter the age, I argued at the time, pregnancies become a crisis when they happen outside of marriage, without a stable family structure in place to care for the child. This was, again, not an issue in earlier times because people got married young and stayed married. It’s a rather uncontroversial historical observation, but the Left has latched onto this point, from years ago, and tried to use it to flip the “groomer” label against me, accusing me of “promoting” teen pregnancy and even child rape. This is a defamatory lie, they know it’s a lie, and it shows how desperate they are. They have chosen the most toxic smears available, because smears are all they have.
In summary, my enemies have thrown every last thing they can at me. The whole kitchen sink, and a few appliances to go with it. I am not the first to get this treatment and I certainly will not be the last. Their objective is nothing less than the wholesale destruction of my life and my career. That is the price they expect me to pay for opposing them effectively. They hope to force me to submit and apologize, at which point they will shoo me away with my tail between my legs, out of public view, out of the arena, off into obscurity. This is my punishment, the life sentence they expect me to serve, for trying to stop them from abusing and butchering children. And it’s not just me they are after. They want to send a message to you that if you stand up against them, this is what happens. They want to make me into another head on a spike, a warning to anyone else who might think about defying them.
Well here is my official answer, for the record: kiss my ass. I do not apologize. In fact by all rights you sick freaks should be the ones apologizing for lying and defaming me, and doing it all because I’m trying to prevent you from sexually mutilating children. You child abusing psychopaths. I wouldn’t apologize to you soulless parasites if I had a gun to my head. Instead I will just tell you all to piss off. I apologize for nothing. I concede nothing. I will never surrender even a single inch of ground to a pitchfork mob full of degenerate idiots. The secret that they never say out loud is that nobody is truly canceled unless they consent to it and willingly play their assigned role. I do not consent and I will not play the game.
I’m not going anywhere. I am more motivated than ever to oppose you and fight against everything you stand for because I hate everything you stand for and hate it more with each passing day. You can try to humiliate me, ruin my reputation, accuse me of all of the most heinous crimes you can invent in your tiny, feverish little brains, but I am not going anywhere. I’m staying in the fight and never leaving. I promise you that.
Also, for the record, I will always maintain that tasers are a wonderful source of comedy.