The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
In a stunningly courageous blow against racism — or possibly just a pitiable but somehow hilarious waste of time — the University of Southern California’s School of Social Work has decided to stop using the word “field.” A notice from the school said, “We have decided to remove the term field from our curriculum” because “phrases such as ‘going into the field’ or ‘field work’ may have connotations for descendants of slavery and immigrant workers that are not benign.”
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you manic manufacturer of maniacal mayhem, sometimes your uproarious yet strangely seductive satire goes too far and becomes unbelievable by portraying leftists as subsisting at a level of amoeba-like stupidity virtually unimaginable in an even semi-sentient creature.”
But no, I swear, I am not making this up. And I didn’t make that quote up either.
The Dean of the USC’s School of Social Work, Dr. Suzanne Amoeba, made the announcement at a press conference this week, between drooling and walking repeatedly into the same wall before figuring out a way to change direction. Dr. Amoeba said, “From now on, instead of using the deeply racist word ‘field,’ we will use benign expressions like ‘that patch of grass over there,’ as in the sentence, ‘I might as well go and lay me down in that patch of grass over there because I’m never going to get a job with a meaningless degree in Social Work from USC.’”
Another group working in the burgeoning patch of grass of language reform is Stanford University, a once respected institution of higher learning and now a pile of whitish stone with a sign on it saying “Stanford University.” The Stanford denizens want to remove such flagrantly racist language as “white paper,” because it implies that whiteness equals importance. That phrase will now be replaced by the phrase, “very important paper written by Caucasians.” They also want to eliminate sexist language like “you guys” which will be replaced by the inoffensive word “It,” as in the sentence, “It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again.”
Not wanting to be left behind in the great march of progress, we here at The Daily Wire are also striving to remove language that might be offensive to people who decide what is offensive to other people who are not particularly offended.
For instance, from now on, Daily Wire writers will no longer use the phrase “mush-brained parasites who have contributed jack diddly squat to human thriving,” because it might offend administrators at USC and Stanford by describing them. We will no longer use the word “wokesters” to describe our political opponents but will instead silently roll our eyes and point a thumb in their direction while mouthing the word, “morons.” When describing men who dress up as women and think they have therefore magically become women and want to force everyone to use the wrong pronoun to describe them so they don’t have to face the truth, we will STILL use the term “trans-sexual,” but we’ll try not to laugh when we say it and we’ll stop sneaking up behind them and making crazy-man faces while twirling our fingers next to our temples, unless we’re really drunk and the urge is simply irresistible. Finally, we will no longer use the outdated and sexist word “ladies” when referring to feminists and will replace the term with “slovenly screech hags who ruin everything.”
Now, since the work of reforming language is progressive, like Democrats and emphysema, and because all language has roots in ancient history where EVERYONE was racist because there was no America yet, we would ultimately like to see words eliminated from our common life altogether so that humans can simply communicate by non-racist grunts and gestures, using sounds like “uh uh uh,” to mean, “I have a degree in Social Work from USC,” or “Gah. Gah.” to mean, “I sure hope I can pay off this loan I had to take out to get through Stanford University, after which I might as well go and lay me down in that patch of grass over there and mourn the fact that I’ve wasted my life listening to mush-brained parasites who have contributed jack diddly squat to human thriving.”
Andrew Klavan Is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.