The Battle For America’s Soul Continues. Satan Agrees.

The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“

President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden this week announced he was running for re-election, a declaration that sent a shiver of excitement through the small section on the lower right side of his face that hasn’t yet decayed into complete immobility. As all across this nation, thousands stood and cheered for the new baseball pitch clock which has really been a big improvement to the game, though the extra inning rules are kind of stupid, and what’s with those big bases like everyone’s in kindergarten or something, Biden made his announcement in a White House storage closet he had wandered into while looking for the restroom where he goes to feel safe. Addressing a stain on the wall that looked sort of like a sea of faces if all the faces were the color of mold, Biden said he wanted to get re-elected because he believes the battle for the soul of America is not yet complete. He was immediately endorsed by Satan who believes the same thing.