The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
On this show, we are never afraid to examine the insights and ramifications of leftist theory, because there’s only so many times we can watch the movie “Sausage Party” and we need a good laugh. Today, we’d like to take a look at the theory of Systemic Racism, the left’s attempt to explain why American blacks fail to thrive even though Democrats have done everything they can to destroy them.
To begin with, let’s use the term in context. Let’s say you’re a sleazy Democrat con-woman who’s the president of the American Federation of Teachers only not named Randi Weingarten because we don’t want to get sued. And this low grifter — let’s call her Wendy Ramsbottom — uses her sinister control of the Democrat party to keep schools closed for two years so her teachers get paid while poor children sink into incurable ignorance. NOW Whiny Garfinkel has created a situation where many black children — who weren’t getting much of an education from Barfy Whinefartel anyway — can’t read or write, so employers won’t hire them and the only job they can get is starting fistfights at McDonald’s. Systemic Racism occurs when employers privilege reading and writing because that’s what rich white people do because they don’t go to schools controlled by low sleazy Democrats like Farty Whinecandy.
So how exactly is “Systemic Racism,” defined? Well, let’s take each word in turn. “Racism” is a meaningless noise you scream in a harsh repetitive voice that sounds something like a seagull being chased by a jackhammer. And “systemic” is a multisyllabic nonsense meant to make the screeching seagull-noise sound like it means something. Put the two words together, and “Systemic Racism” means someone has noticed that Democrats have destroyed the lives of black people, and you have to drown them out by screaming “Systemic Racism.”
Now, here’s what makes the theory of Systemic Racism so much fun. Once Democrat unions have abandoned public education in black neighborhoods, once you’ve installed Democrat welfare programs that encourage fatherless children among the poor, once Democrats have taught black people to feel that everyone is against them and they have no chance of success, once Democrats have defunded the police so that criminals can terrorize black neighborhoods which have been destroyed by riots incited by Democrats, just about everything Republicans do is Systemic Racism.
Here are some examples, and as God is my witness, every single one of these is a real example from a left-leaning news source.
The Philadelphia Inquirer says “picnics” are racist because white Democrats used to have picnics at lynchings. Now personally, I think the Inquirer may have missed the actual racist part. Namely, the lynchings. Seems to me you could have picnics with, like, sack races instead, but then maybe that would go against an old Democrat tradition. Namely lynchings.
The Los Angeles Times says white people driving cars is racist because white drivers pollute the neighborhoods they drive through but don’t stop to buy things in the black neighborhoods… because there’s high crime there… because Democrats have abandoned the schools and defunded the police… so white drivers are racist.
The Democrat California state assembly says Skittles and jelly beans are racist because candy is bad for you and many black people eat it to get a little sugary pleasure in their lives which have been destroyed by Democrats.
Mother Jones says that eating three meals a day is racist because colonial settlers ate three meals a day but indigenous natives kept a less rigid eating schedule and so the colonial settlers associated less rigid eating schedules with living in mud huts and being conquered by colonial settlers.
And finally, Afru magazine says coffee is racist because coffee used to be harvested by slaves … and okay they have me there because I don’t care, as long as I get my damn coffee.
As you can see, Systemic Racism is all around us, like fairies or those invisible aliens who send messages into your brain telling you Jesus is coming back so you should sell everything you own and move into the desert. Only by being illiterate and skipping lunch can we break the chains that hold black people down in Democrat-run cities where there’s no education or police. After all, If we can’t end Systemic Racism by giving up jelly beans and picnics, it’s just really, really hard to imagine what possible solution there could be to dysfunction in black neighborhoods caused by Democrat policies.
But give me a few seconds, and maybe I’ll think of something.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.