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Schiff Imposes ‘No Girls Allowed’ Rule to Keep From Getting Stefanik’s Cooties [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
Boys with no girls allowed sign
rubberball/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Adam Schiff, the Chairman of the House Impeachment and Other Charades Committee, has announced a change of rules in the proceedings. After Friday’s hearing at which Congresswoman Elise Stefanik gutted several of Schiff’s witnesses and challenged Schiff’s rulings so that Schiff’s eyes swelled up until he looked like Jim Carrey in the clock scene from The Mask, Schiff checked his copy of “Robert’s Rules of Order” and found that in technical, Parliamentary terms he had been “beaten up by a girl” or “owned like a b*tch” and felt the committee needed a new direction to prevent that from happening again.

Schiff announced that from now on, all hearings will be held in his treehouse, and no girls will be allowed. In the event, a girl bakes brownies, said girl will be allowed to push a plate of said brownies up through the treehouse trap door, and then run away before anyone catches her cooties.

In future hearings, Schiff will wear the paper king hat he got in a popper at last year’s Congressional Christmas party, and when he walks into the room everyone will have to bow down to him and say, “Oh, King Schiff, you are so great and everyone loves you so much,” and make kissing noises as he walks by and no laughing or making faces after he’s gone like last time.

In previous hearings, committee members were allowed to raise points of order to question rules violations, but from now on, any Republican who raises a point of order will be called a poop head and will have to wear a sign saying “I Am A Poop Head,” for the rest of his life.

Finally, at the end of the hearing, everyone will applaud and say what a good hearing it was thanks to King Adam Schiff and then make more kissing noises.

The next hearing is scheduled to take place in Adam Schiff’s imagination, just like Trump’s impeachable offenses.

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