Republicans Alarmed By New Poll Showing Voters Expect Results

Republicans are beginning to panic as polls show them losing popularity before the upcoming midterm elections. In a party Zoom meeting to discuss the crisis, GOP Senator Samuel T. Schnorrer from the great state of Lassitude told his colleagues, “When I first saw the new numbers, I nearly lost my head. I started babbling like a crazy man about passing laws and cutting entitlement spending before it drives us into insolvency. Thank God my consultant was there to slap me in the face until I came to my senses and realized: if we start passing laws and all sorts of loony stuff like that, we might be blamed for the results. I think we just have to stick to the original game plan of shaking our fists at Democrats on Fox News.”

GOP Congressman Lorne Loveless from the persistent state of hysteria, blamed President Trump for the bad poll numbers, saying, “The president keeps doing things. Things are bad, especially when you do them. That’s why we do nothing. It literally means ‘no thing.’ It’s right there in the word. Really, being a congressman is not that complex if you know how to speak English. Also you have to know when to stop speaking English before you actually say something and instead just keep shaking your fist at Democrats on Fox News.”