The following is satirical. All quotes made up verbatim.
Violent anarchists in Portland say it’s an outrage that Federal agents are arresting them for breaking the law.
The anarchists have been terrorizing the city since May, and leftist politicians have defended that as an expression of Democracy, the famous political system where violent anarchists terrorize cities for months on end — although possibly that’s only Democracy in Portland.
Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler supported the claims of the violent anarchists in a speech greeted by the cheers and approval of a large mob of masked, black-clad thugs who then proceeded to set his house on fire.
Wheeler said, “I won’t have federal stormtroopers coming into my city and interrupting a riot to enforce the law. This is Portland, for God’s sake. And if people want to cause utter chaos in the flaming ash heap where I’m responsible for keeping the peace, then the federal government has no right to come in here and do the job I’m not doing.”
Anarchist Leader Moe Thuggery also protested the federal arrests, telling a crowd of reporters as they ran frantically for their lives, “As an anti-fascist, I feel it’s my duty to terrorize anyone who disagrees with me through vandalism and physical violence to prevent fascists from coming here and terrorizing anyone who disagrees with them through vandalism and physical violence. We’re here to declare that this country is an oppressive, hate-filled, racist pile of garbage and for the feds to arrest us while we’re doing that is a violation of everything that makes this country great. These agents didn’t even identify themselves, as if they were doing an undercover operation against criminals instead of doing an undercover operation against people who were just innocently breaking the law.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi also voiced support for the anarchists, shouting to reporters over the walls of her California estate and saying, “This is what freedom looks like. Or maybe it’s just what masked thugs destroying property looks like. I’ve forgotten how to tell the difference.”
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