NYC Mayor Plans To Stop Crime By Not Stopping It At All

The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“

Witless New York City Mayor Eric Witless Adams, who made history in January of last year by becoming the city’s first entirely witless black mayor since David Dinkins, has announced his new witless plan to control the city’s swiftly spreading plague of shoplifting by not controlling the city’s swiftly spreading plague of shoplifting. The plan — entitled the Witless Plan to Stop Shoplifting by Not Stopping Shoplifting — includes such witless innovations as giving first-time offenders intervention programs instead of prosecution, and installing kiosks in stores that would connect thieves with social service programs. Mayor Adams announced the plan to reporters in order to distract them while his aides stole their cameras, microphones, and other expensive equipment.