The following is satirical.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, has endorsed two female Democrats for president. In an endorsement entitled, “Deedlee-dee- dee-dee Two Ladies,” the Times endorsed both Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar, saying it was simply too much newspaper for one woman and didn’t want to restrict its passions to conform to outmoded ideas of fidelity.
The endorsement, written by Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third, says in part, “It’s not that we don’t love you, Amy, but a newspaper has needs, and there are times when it’s just natural for us to yearn for a certain amount of variety. Sometimes, even when we’re with you, the thought of Elizabeth comes into our heads all unbidden and we ask ourselves: Why should we fight our desires like some uptight backwoods yokel when we’re all sophisticated adults who understand that these sorts of things happen even among the happiest couples?”
Mr. Third continued, “In the end, we found it impossible to decide between Amy’s Mean Mommy appeal that always makes us wish she would send us to our room, and Elizabeth’s Naughty Native American Librarian come-on that makes it hard to tell the difference between Cupid’s arrow and an Apache weapon of war.”
The Times conjectured that the two women probably had political differences as well. They called Klobuchar the realist model and Warren the radical model and wrote, “We just can’t decide whether we want to be seduced into socialist slavery like someone following the scent of an enticing perfume and the mesmerizing clockwork of a lady’s walk, or whether we want to be dragged off to pure Communism like that time we visited a dungeon and were hung upside down by leather straps and thrashed deliciously — but perhaps that’s too much information.”
Though some journalistic observers scorned the historic double endorsement, the Times editorial board defended their decision in a statement saying, “We’re dithering idiots who know even less about policy than we do about American history, so that explains it.”
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