Opinion

New York Times Issues Guidelines On How To Not Cover Sexual Assault [Satire]

   DailyWire.com
Democratic presidential hopeful former US Vice President Joe Biden gestures as he speaks during the fourth Democratic primary debate of the 2020 presidential campaign season co-hosted by The New York Times and CNN at Otterbein University in Westerville, Ohio on October 15, 2019. (Photo by SAUL LOEB / AFP)
SAUL LOEB/AFP via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has issued a pamphlet on how to cover stories about sexual misbehavior.

The pamphlet reads as follows:

When conservative Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh was accused of having attacked a woman while in his teens, we covered the story in a very thorough, careful fit of unreasoning hatred and hysteria. We reported any plausible accusation whether it was that Kavanaugh had murdered a series of teenagers in a forty-year coast-to-coast kill spree or that Madame Ouspenkaya, the Palm Reader from Queens, had had a vision in which Kavanaugh boiled and devoured a female child as a college prank.

In the same way, when Democrat Presidential candidate Joe Biden was accused of sexually assaulting a woman twenty-seven years ago when he was seventy, we remained silent for nineteen days then ran an Easter Sunday story on page twenty explaining away the charges.

For some reason, some of our readers have become confused about the standards by which we report on these important stories so, to clarify, we are publishing our official guidelines.

First, believe all women, then suddenly stop without warning, then make up excuses for why you did before and don’t now, then start up again later whenever it’s convenient.

Second, the time when men can sexually assault women with impunity has ended. Then it briefly started up again in approximately 1993. And now, it’s ended again, unless something comes up and then we’ll let you know.

Third, from now on the MeToo Movement has been renamed MeToo But Not Necessarily You. This will lend clarity and credibility to our hypocritical double standard, unprincipled bias and lies.

Fourth, due process demands that accusations of sexual assault be backed up by corroborating evidence like, for instance, proof that the accused believes in God or opposes abortion. On the other hand, don’t report the charges if the accused couldn’t find his way around a woman with a flashlight and a map because he’s too stupid and senile to even speak a complete sentence. Don’t report that either.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Times Explains Why Biden Is Not As Bad As Kavanaugh Even Though He Killed A Hooker And Is Now In A Shootout With Police

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