New Poll: Gen Z Likes Socialism, Willing To Wait In Line For Loaf Of Bread

With the baby boomers dying off, many people ask me, “What is Gen Z like, and what does it mean for the future?” But with the baby boomers dying off, I don’t have time to answer — and anyway, what’s it to me?

However, there is a new poll out on how these Gen Z whippersnappers see things, and the results are very encouraging in the sense they’ll allow me to die happy in the knowledge that the rest of you are screwed.

The poll of around 3,000 respondents between the ages of 18 and 29 was specially designed to elicit information from young people by posing its questions in the form of emojis and inarticulate whining noises and then pretending to take the answers seriously. The results had a margin of error of 79%, because the young people had no clue what the hell they were talking about and then changed their minds when they found out what life was really like.

The young people were asked such questions as: What do you value most? Is America headed in the right direction? What the hell do you know, you nose-ringed freak? And why don’t you get a job and find your own place to live, you’re 20-years old already, for crying out loud? The respondents were then divided by gender using a buzz saw and a surgical needle threaded with fishing line. Then the genders were separated politically by riot police with tear gas and rubber bullets. Finally, the survivors sat around smoking weed until the women fell asleep and the men, of course, had sex with them.

The results of the poll show that among young men, the number one thing they valued most was having children. The number four thing they valued most was getting married. Numbers two and three were avoiding paying child support and using pig’s blood during a paternity test before changing their names and moving out of state.

Among women, the number one thing they valued most was their jobs, the number two thing they valued was emotional stability and the number three thing they valued were anti-depressants. These women also valued making TikTok videos expressing completely nonsensical opinions in a smug voice while smiling like Anthony Perkins in the last frame of “Psycho,” and secretly wishing some guy would marry them and tell them what to do because they’re obviously out of their minds.

Get 40% off new DailyWire+ annual memberships with code FALL40 at checkout! 

The poll also revealed ingrained differences between young men and women when it came to political issues. For instance, 56% of young men feel that Donald Trump is doing an excellent job as president, while 82% of young women also have political opinions but nobody bothered to write them down because, let’s face it, who cares?

The biggest political divide between the genders was on immigration. Young women felt that it was a crying shame to deport an upstanding pillar of the community just because he had come here illegally, and had drunkenly crashed his car into an elementary school, then escaped before the police discovered the child tied up in his trunk. Young men didn’t answer the question because they were too busy watching cool videos of ICE agents slamming fat Mexicans into the sides of their jalopies while screaming the f-word.

One surprising result in the poll is that young people increasingly favor socialism. They listed their primary reasons as — one — they’d have a lot of time to play “Candy Crush” while they were standing in line to get a loaf of bread. Two, they’ve seen the mini-series “Chernobyl” and it looked really cool when people’s flesh started to melt like in a science fiction movie only real. And three, under socialism, there would be no corporations and everything would be free, so you could just pick up a new iPhone any time you wanted … wherever it is that iPhones come from.

All in all, the results of the poll demonstrated that Generation Z is called Generation Z for a good reason: namely, nothing comes after Z.

* * *

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.