The following is satirical.
The House Judiciary Committee will take up the impeachment hearings tomorrow and I know you’re every bit as excited about that as I am. House Democrats decided to go forward with the hearings despite messages written on the Capitol Walls in lipstick saying, “Please stop me before I make an even bigger fool of myself.”
The messages were unsigned but sources say Congressman Adam Schiff arrived at work not wearing lipstick, which they say may be a clue.
The current hearings will be chaired by Jerrold Nadler, whose warm, charming presence reminds many people of a favorite uncle from their youth who mysteriously disappeared after little sister locked herself in the bathroom and called the police.
Nadler says his first witness will be an executive from the Acme Impeachment Company who will explain why their previous impeachment machine caused Democrats to be chased out of a tunnel by an oncoming train until they smashed into the side of a cliff and were flattened to the width of a sheet of paper before slipping through a crack in the ground to where they had hidden an explosive device, which then went off and blew them sky high, their tails on fire and their faces blackened, whereupon they looked down and realized they were hovering in mid-air and plunged several miles to the earth below, where they vanished in a puff of dust.
Otherwise, Democrats say the impeachment machine worked great and they’d like to order three more of them.
Other witnesses will include a real live law professor who will testify that Donald Trump did indeed break the law when he did whatever everyone’s saying he did with whoever he was with in whatever country they’re talking about.
After that, Democrats say they will call “fact witnesses” who will testify to “facts,” like “Tin is the major export of Bolivia,” and “Mount Washington is 14-thousand, 500-feet high.” Although maybe it’s not tin and maybe it’s Mount Whitney, but that shouldn’t hold up the impeachment.
Related: Democrat Warns Party Not To Impeach Trump Because Of Who GOP Will Nominate In 2020