The following is satirical.
In an event some people hailed as a miracle, a voice spoke out of nothingness yesterday endorsing Joe Biden for president. Then they looked behind the podium and saw it was Michael Bloomberg.
Bloomberg dropped out of the Democratic race for president after spending more than half a billion dollars in advertising, an amount which averages out to a million and a half dollars for each snicker his staff suppressed behind his back.
Bloomberg, who ran on a platform of not being Bernie Sanders only shorter, lost every Super Tuesday race except for the one in American Samoa, where the residents offered to proclaim him a god, then sacrifice him in the hope of rain.
Although Bloomberg’s spending did raise his profile from being a mayor in New York City to being a laughingstock throughout the entire country, his campaign hit a snag when he was forced to emerge from his bathroom, where he had been wallowing in a tub full of gold coins, and stand on a debate stage with such political titans as an eighty year old Communist, a doddering old man, a make-believe Indian, an angry little person no one recognized and a gay guy who really did bear a remarkable resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman.
Faced with these formidable competitors, Bloomberg discovered he was actually a non-entity but was so rich no one had had the integrity to tell him.
In a concession speech shouted up at the podium microphone, Bloomberg told a crowd gaping in awestruck silence at the spectacle of a voice seemingly coming out of nowhere that while it was true he couldn’t beat the guy who thinks Castro’s literacy program was the bomb and while he also lost to the guy who can’t remember the name of God, he was absolutely certain he would have beaten Donald Trump, unless there was something his staff wasn’t telling him for some reason.
Bloomberg’s withdrawal means the race now essentially comes down to two people: Donald Trump and whoever he’s going to defeat in November.
Related: Warren Leaves The Race. Trump Shuts The Door Behind Her With One Tweet.