Michelle Obama Says White People Are The Reason Black People Can’t Swim

Michelle Obama blames white people for the fact that black people can’t swim. In an interview promoting her new book called I forgot what — that’s not the title of the book, I just forgot what the title is — the wife of the president who ruined our healthcare system spoke in that condescending, sassy black woman tone of voice that makes all of us love sassy black women so very, very much. She said, “Let me explain something to white people. Our hair comes out of our heads naturally in a curly pattern. So, when we’re straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the straightness. That’s why so many of us can’t swim, and we run away from the water … because we’re trying to keep our hair straight for y’all. It is exhausting, and it is so expensive, and it takes up so much time!”

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you jocular junkie of jovial jokery, where do you come up with these fantastically fanciful satire ideas?” Just the notion that a woman with degrees from both Princeton and Harvard would talk to her fellow grown-ups in that condescending sassy black woman tone that just makes you want to plant a foot of whatever color right in her sassy black buttock and watch her go sailing through the air like a Cameron Dicker field goal attempt from sixty yards out, is totally unbelievable in itself. But when you add to that this ridiculous concept that an unfathomably privileged woman with a net worth of approximately a hundred gazillion Somalis would go on TV with her straightened hair that no white man gives a twitch of a rat’s ass about and tell people that the reason she can’t swim is because white people give a twitch of a rat’s ass about her hair, well, sure, it’s hilarious, but just so totally unreal.

But no, I am not making this up. The wife of the president who reintroduced racial hatred into an American culture that had all but abandoned it, has a new book out called I don’t care what it is — that’s not the title of the book, I just don’t care what it is — and she promoted the book by claiming that her obsession with how white people see her, is the fault of white people who mostly don’t see her at all.

Now, this might actually be a good sales strategy. Michelle Obama’s tone of bitter, entitled, totally unearned self-satisfaction is very popular with liberal women… for some reason. And I’m sure whatever nonsense she spews out will be greeted by those women as a thoroughly welcome change from the nonsense they’re spewing out in a tone of bitter, entitled, totally unearned self-satisfaction.

In fact, the same audience also enjoys Michelle’s nasty remarks about her husband, the former president, who would have gotten away with giving the terrorist nation of Iran a nuclear weapon if Donald Trump hadn’t bombed the living Barack out of their nuclear facilities. For instance, Michelle said there was an entire decade of her marriage in which she “couldn’t stand,” her husband, which may account for the fact that the former president, who managed to lose the war in Iraq after George W. Bush won the war in Iraq, formed a suspiciously close relationship with his male chef — until the chef mysteriously drowned in a pond on Martha’s Vineyard, probably because he was so worried about getting his hair wet, he forgot how to swim. Either that, or it was because he threatened to tell. But probably it was his hair. 

Now, just to be clear, it really is a problem that black people don’t learn how to swim. Black kids drown at around three times the rate of white kids, and it may be because white people don’t like curly hair. Or it may be because too many black kids don’t have fathers, so there’s no one to throw them into the water and listen to their mothers scream, “Oh my God, he’ll drown, and what about his hair?” while the kid happily paddles back and forth, not worrying about his hair because he has a father.

But sure, maybe it’s because of white people.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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