<p>In an op-ed published by ESPN this week, legendary swimmer Michael Phelps — who amassed the most medals of any Olympian in history over his career, some 28 medals total, including 23 golds — offered a blunt and excruciatingly candid glimpse into his state of mind in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic.</p>
<p>In the process of describing his serious difficulties in &#8220;handling quarantine,&#8221; Phelps, who has struggled with mental health issues for years, admits to being overwhelmed with a feeling of being &#8220;absolutely worthless&#8221; and fighting back a &#8220;bubbling anger.&#8221; The former Olympian also takes a moment to criticize the media for how it has exacerbated his mental health struggles in the past.</p>
<p>&#8220;How am I handling quarantine and the global pandemic? Put it this way: I&#8217;m still breathing,&#8221; Phelps <a href="https://www.espn.com/olympics/story/_/id/29186389/michael-phelps-most-overwhelmed-ever-felt">says</a>.</p>
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<p>&#8220;The pandemic has been one of the scariest times I&#8217;ve been through,&#8221; he explains. &#8220;I&#8217;m thankful that my family and I are safe and healthy. I&#8217;m grateful we don&#8217;t have to worry about paying bills or putting food on the table, like so many other folks right now. But still, I&#8217;m struggling.&#8221;</p>
<p>Noting that the first time he&#8217;s opened up about his mental health issues publicly was ahead of the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympics, Phelps says he doing so again so others know &#8220;they&#8217;re not alone&#8221; — particularly in the midst of all the fear surrounding COVID-19. While sharing his struggles publicly in the past did ease a burden from him, he is battling those &#8220;mental health demons now more than ever&#8221; because of being &#8220;cooped up in a house&#8221; and surrounded by &#8220;uncertainty.&#8221;</p>
<p>&#8220;Somebody who doesn&#8217;t understand what people with anxiety or depression or post-traumatic stress disorder deal with has no idea,&#8221; he says before taking a shot at the media.</p>
<p>&#8220;And really, to be blunt, the media is part of that,&#8221; he adds. &#8220;They dragged me through the dirt for everything I did wrong over the years — and trust me, I know there was plenty.&#8221;</p>
<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m responsible for every mistake I&#8217;ve ever made. Nobody else,&#8221; he continues. &#8220;I&#8217;ve gotten help and I ended my career on a high note, so the nice neat story is to put me back on a pedestal. But here&#8217;s the reality: I won&#8217;t ever be &#8216;cured.&#8217; This will never go away. It&#8217;s something where I&#8217;ve had to accept it, learn to deal with it and make it a priority in my life.&#8221;</p>
<p>The pandemic, he says, has caught him off guard, and all the questions and fears are &#8220;overwhelming&#8221; him.</p>
<p>&#8220;All the uncertainty. Being cooped up in a house. And the questions. So many questions. When is it going to end? What will life look like when this is over? Am I doing everything I can to be safe? Is my family safe?&#8221; he says. &#8220;It drives me insane. I&#8217;m used to traveling, competing, meeting people. This is just craziness. My emotions are all over the place. I&#8217;m always on edge. I&#8217;m always defensive. I&#8217;m triggered so easily.&#8221;</p>
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<p>&#8220;There are times where I feel absolutely worthless, where I completely shut down but have this bubbling anger that is through the roof,&#8221; Phelps adds. &#8220;If I&#8217;m being honest, more than once I&#8217;ve just screamed out loud, &#8216;I wish I wasn&#8217;t me!&#8217; Sometimes there&#8217;s just this overwhelming feeling that I can&#8217;t handle it anymore. &#8230; This is the most overwhelmed I&#8217;ve ever felt in my life.&#8221;</p>
<p>The Olympian goes on to walk through his standard day, which involves &#8220;get[ting] in the gym every day for at least 90 minutes,&#8221; which he describes as an &#8220;escape&#8221; and essential &#8220;for my mental health as much as my physical health.&#8221; If he misses a day at the gym, &#8220;it&#8217;s a disaster&#8221; which sends him into &#8220;a negative pattern of thinking&#8221; that often results in a lot of self-blame.</p>
<p>&#8220;When that happens day after day, you can put yourself in a scary situation pretty quickly,&#8221; he says. &#8220;And that&#8217;s been this quarantine a lot of the time.&#8221; (<a href="https://www.espn.com/olympics/story/_/id/29186389/michael-phelps-most-overwhelmed-ever-felt">Read the full op-ed here</a>.)</p>
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Michael Phelps Says This Is ‘Most Overwhelmed’ He’s Ever Felt, Slams Media