The following is satirical.
A team of crack medical experts have produced a preliminary report declaring that Ghislaine Maxwell will have committed suicide when she is found hanging dead in her cell.
Miss Maxwell was arrested by the FBI after the FBI discovered that now that they weren’t spying on Republican political candidates for Barack Obama, they had a lot of time on their hands and might as well do something sort of fun like catching criminals.
So they charged Miss Maxwell with procuring underage girls for Jeffrey Epstein who committed suicide by hanging himself in his cell in a manner remarkably similar to the manner in which Miss Maxwell will have killed herself when she kills herself.
The team of crack medical experts who filed the report is the same team of cracks who recently declared that people who attended massive protests with riots and looting would not contract or spread the Chinese Flu if their cause was just, their hearts were true, and they really needed a 400-dollar pair of sneakers.
The cracks reached their conclusion by combining the report of a virtual autopsy on the soon-to-be-deceased Miss Maxwell with an Excel Spreadsheet charting how much money you can make as a CNN commentator if you’re willing to talk absolute drivel.
According to the crack findings, Miss Maxwell will have told several unnamed people she was depressed and thinking of ending it all, which should allay any suspicions arising from the fact that the video cameras tracking her cell will only play back old episodes of Madam Secretary and the fact that the entire shift of prison guards witnessed nothing because they had left the building to attend the prison’s first annual Vince Foster Memorial Bocce Ball tournament.
A spokesman for the team of crack medical experts, crack expert Dr. Harvey Crack, told CNN — for a small fee — that the crack experts had released the crack preliminary report to stave off any insane conservative conspiracy theories linking Miss Maxwell’s death to all the other people murdered by the Clintons.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Sports Leagues Announce They’ll Change Games To Ensure They Don’t Offend Audience They’ll No Longer Have