All my life I’ve been in the business of observing the world and writing or talking about what I see and experience. And one of the things I can tell you is that it isn’t easy to communicate the truth with complete accuracy. There are always going to be small discrepancies between what you report and what actually happened.
For instance, last week, in a speech in Ohio, Donald Trump promised that if he was re-elected president, he would stop China from undermining our automobile industry. Then he added, “That’s if I get elected. If I don’t get elected, it’s going to be a bloodbath.”
The New York Times, a former newspaper, reported on the speech in a story headlined: “Trump Vows Nationwide Slaughter if not Returned to Power,” in which Times reporter Prissy Credential wrote, “Pushing his campaign rhetoric to unprecedented levels of violence, former president Donald Trump swore he would unleash a bloodbath on America if he was not re-installed in the White House this November, an obvious threat to re-enact the January 6th, 2021, insurrection at the Capitol, the worst Constitutional crisis since the Civil War of the 1860s, when 700,000 Americans lost their lives, and Trump bathed in their blood, an unthinkably horrific act made famous by the 16th Century Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Bathory who imitated Trump by torturing and murdering more than 600 virgins and bathing in their blood, an act that inspired Bram Stoker in the writing of “Dracula,” which describes how Donald Trump would disguise himself as a coachman and ride out of the crumbling Trump Castle in the dead of night, whipping his six sin-black Trump horses into a lather as he descended on innocent villagers, morphing from a billionaire real estate mogul into a gigantic bat in order to plunge his teeth into the throats of innocent and shapely women and drain their lives away while they lay helpless in his clutches if he is not re-elected to the presidency. That’s why, in 2017, thousands of women took to the streets wearing pink hats and shrieking out of faces distorted by feminist rage to the point of repulsive ugliness in order to protest the 400-year rampage during which Trump fueled his soulless immortality with female blood, which many feminists consider not merely homicidal but also sexist and racist in its privileging of blond white women with large breasts nearly exposed by their open nightgowns so that the thick scarlet drool dripping from Trump’s gore-soaked mouth could be seen by his demonic red eyes to be running in disgusting rivulets over their tremulous white flesh if he is not returned to office. Experts estimate that Trump’s insatiable thirst for human blood, combined with the supernatural longevity of his terrifyingly animated corpse, may have resulted in as many as 200,000 deaths over the centuries, or about a third of those Trump would have slaughtered on January 6th if it had been the Civil War, which it was as bad as, thus leaving a body count of almost a million people in the bloodbath Trump is threatening if he is not returned to the White House where he would impose a tariff on Chinese cars instead of murdering millions and bathing in their blood.”
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Now, those of you who have journalistic training may have noticed that, here and there, the Times reporting veered from absolute accuracy in order to convey a deeper impression of the intent behind Trump’s words. Questioned about this journalistic practice, Times editor-in-chief Blithering Prevarication the Third explained, “Blood! Look! Blood, blood everywhere! Dripping, running, staining, oh God, mother, blood!” Mr. Third’s remarks were followed by a lengthy period of inarticulate sobbing, after which he became so upset that he vomited, which the paper plans to run tomorrow as its lead editorial.
Giving a more in-depth account of the Times’ impressionist reporting, Columbia School of Journalism Professor Vladimir Mohammed, who holds the J-School’s Walter Duranty Chair of Intentionally Rampant Mendacity, said “America is simply going to have to choose whether it can endure seven more months of Trump and the horrific atrocities we’re going to imagine he’ll commit. And that’s if he’s not elected. If he is elected, it’ll be a bloodbath.”
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.