Satire

‘Knowledgeable Sources’ Say Only Epstein Matters, And Everyone Should Ignore Trump’s Numerous Wins

Knowledgeable sources on both the Left and the Right are saying that the poor handling of the Epstein story should erase all those successes.

Andrew Klavan
‘Knowledgeable Sources’ Say Only Epstein Matters, And Everyone Should Ignore Trump’s Numerous Wins
JIM WATSON/AFP via Getty Images

Knowledgeable sources say the Trump administration is being torn to pieces by its mishandling of the Epstein scandal. Although in its first six months, the administration has scored a string of successes so long you couldn’t read it in the time it took to achieve it, knowledgeable sources on both the Left and the Right are saying that the poor handling of the Epstein story should erase all those successes so that commentators can continue to scream in outraged tones with the veins in their necks bulging out while their audience clenches their fists and shouts, “Yeah!” in gravelly voices even though they’re listening to complete crap.

Although Trump has tried to argue that all is well in an administration that has closed the border, helped neutralize Iran, and operated the government at a surplus for the first time in over twenty years, knowledgeable sources report that, in fact, everything is coming apart at the seams, if indeed everything has seams, which remains just one more open question in the Epstein case.

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