KLAVAN: Mueller Probe Becomes MSM Porn [Satire]

The following is satirical.

The mainstream news media is very excited about the latest revelations in the Mueller probe. Very excited. As in: “Get a room, mainstream media!” It’s getting embarrassing. It’s like when you’re watching TV with your mom and a sex scene comes on, except instead of a sex scene it’s CNN reporting on the Mueller investigation. And you can’t look at your mom because of all the moaning and gasping. Never watch CNN with your mom when they’re reporting on Mueller!

Anyway, as you all know, Robert Mueller is the special counsel who was appointed to investigate whether Donald Trump colluded with the Russians in rigging the election so that Hillary Clinton lost. This is very important because the election wasn’t rigged, collusion isn’t a crime and Hillary Clinton would have lost to a stuffed animal if it had campaigned in Pennsylvania.

Still, we all know this investigation is very important, because the mainstream news media keeps telling us how important it is and when they tell us their cheeks get all red and they have those little high-pitched hitches in their breathing that make you sorry you watched this show with your mom.

So far Mueller has charged Michael Cohen with lying, Paul Manafort with lying, Alex van der Zwaan with lying and Michael Flynn with lying. The news media hopes these men will now testify against President Trump, because their testimony would be so trustworthy.

Now none of these charges stem from anything having to do with Russia rigging the election, which they didn’t, or Trump colluding with them, which wouldn’t be a crime even if he had. Essentially, Mueller has spent 35-million dollars to discover that Trump was thinking about building a building in Moscow that he didn’t build, which wasn’t a secret, and that he liked WikiLeaks, which he cleverly hid by announcing it in front of thousands of people at every campaign rally he held.

I’m not sure why any of this has the mainstream media so excited. I just wish they’d calm down so we could watch TV with our moms.