Opinion

KLAVAN: Journalists Deliver Their Completely Unbiased Reactions To Trump’s Address [Satire]

   DailyWire.com

The following is satirical.

President Trump spoke to the nation last night, and the reactions from the press are still pouring in.

NBC’s Chuck Todd, for instance, reacted by hurling himself to the floor in convulsions while frothing at the mouth and speaking, in a deep raspy voice, what appeared to be nonsense until it was recorded and played backwards, whereupon it was recognized as a dialect of ancient Babylonian which, when translated, meant, “Satan has unleashed his mighty power on the earth and I am his servant.” Todd stopped reacting to the president’s speech when a priest sprinkled holy water on him. He then burst into flame, and the black shadow of his soul leapt from the ashes of his carnal form and plummeted downward through the floor, never to be seen again.

CNN’s Jim “Look at Me, I’m Jim,” Acosta reacted to the speech by standing on the White House lawn and speaking directly to the CNN Audience, a man named Joe Findersmith who was waiting to board a plane to Seattle, which had been delayed. Acosta warned the audience about the president’s remarks, saying, “Pay no attention to that man in the Oval Office. Instead, just look at me, for I am Jim Acosta. Other men lie, but Jim Acosta does not lie, and therefore look at me, for I am he, yes, I am Jim Acosta.”

Elsewhere on CNN, Don Lemon also gave his reaction to the speech, staring into the camera with a soulful look in his tearful eyes and saying, “Oh, how well I remember the ever-so-beautiful speeches of Barack Obama, his mellow tones, his graceful rhetoric, how he would hold my head against his chest and comfort me, saying I should not worry about the troubles of the world, for he would handle them all with dignity and purity of spirit. And yes, these were just fantasies I had, but how I miss them now that Trump is in office, and everything is dreary.”

More anguished press reactions to the speech can be expected to come in throughout the year.

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