The following is satirical.
Kamala Harris has stopped campaigning for president, which is apparently something she was doing before she decided to stop.
Harris said she could no longer raise the money she needed to finance her strategy of making absurd and intrusive policy proposals and then cackling in a thoroughly unpleasant manner. She said she was sure that strategy would have worked eventually, though she conceded the cackling might have alienated some easily frightened voters.
Harris blamed racism and sexism for her failure, saying many voters didn’t like black women, especially when they were also intolerable human beings.
Harris’ surrender came just hours after Congressman Joe Sestak and Montana Governor Steve Bullock both dropped out of the race when they realized they had never heard of themselves and hadn’t even been aware they were running.
Harris had recently described herself as a top-tier candidate who could not take her rival Tulsi Gabbard’s candidacy seriously. However, Gabbard reacted graciously to Harris’s announcement, saying, “I’m truly sorry that Kamala had to end her top-tier candidacy, which was so top-tier she couldn’t take seriously my candidacy, which will be continuing, while her top-tier candidacy comes to an end, and mine continues.”
Joe Biden also wished Harris well. In a press conference given in the girl’s room of the Richard Beymer Memorial Elementary School in Des Moines Iowa, Biden said, “Watching Kamala end her campaign, I could only think back to when little girls would stroke the hairs on my leg to watch the hairs change color. I loved it when they stroked my hairy legs and if anyone would like to do that again, you know where to find your old Uncle Joe.”
Biden was escorted off school grounds by local police after his eyeball exploded, leaving two people injured, while a third person suffered a serious bite from Biden’s teeth, which had escaped to a room down the hall.
The remaining Democrat candidates have vowed to continue their campaigns right up until the president’s re-election.
Related: Trump Trolls Kamala Harris For Dropping Out Of Presidential Race