Satire

Joe Biden’s Fiery Insurrection Eve Speech

   DailyWire.com
BLUE BELL, PENNSYLVANIA - JANUARY 5: U.S. President Joe Biden speaks during a campaign event at Montgomery County Community College January 5, 2024 in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania. In his first campaign event of the 2024 election season, Biden stated that democracy and fundamental freedoms are under threat if former U.S. President Donald Trump returns to the White House. (Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
Drew Angerer/Getty Images

President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden launched his re-election campaign last week with a fiery speech near Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, in which he declared, “Donald Trump is not fit to be president,” and then wandered off-stage, tripped over his own shoe-heel, tumbled down a flight of steps, rolled out the door while flailing his arms and blinking rapidly with an empty expression on his open-mouthed face, and finally awoke two days later in a truck stop in Lancaster County wearing an Amish hat and a Guns N’ Roses t-shirt before being led back to the podium by First Lady Dr. Mrs. Jill Biden whom he mistook for his grandmother and sobbed because he thought she had passed away in 1943 or at least it was very difficult to wake her up from her nap.

The speech was delivered on January 6, exactly three years, eight months, and 20 days after leftist riots claimed at least 25 lives, and caused around $2 billion in damage, making them the most costly political violence in the nation’s history — and also three years after that thing at the Capitol where all the idiots ran around stealing furniture and stuff.

Speaking in tones so sonorous with righteous anger they made the drool on his chin quiver, Biden said, “We stand today at Valley Forge. Never forget. What happened here? No, really, what happened here? I don’t remember. Oh yeah, something about George Washington and feet. And there was blood on the snow just as there would have been blood at the Capitol on January 6, if people had been standing in the snow with no shoes on, which let’s face it, is a pretty stupid thing to do and George Washington should have known better. Always wear boots when you’re in the snow. This is America, for God’s sake. It gets cold here, especially in the winter at Valley Forge.

But meanwhile, in Washington on January 6, we almost lost our entire democracy. And sure, for that to happen, it would have taken some unimaginably extraordinary series of events where, like, someone in the Capitol accidentally butt dialed his mistress at the Pentagon who then fell off the lap of the Secretary of Defense causing him to topple backwards off his chair shouting a string of incomprehensible curses that just happened to sound like the nuclear code so that some idiot DEI hire panicked and launched a missile at China which then got sidetracked and fell on Pennsylvania Avenue blowing up our entire democracy. But who knows? That could have happened! And it was all because Donald Trump is not fit to be president. If he were, I wouldn’t be standing here today in this Amish hat and Guns N Roses t-shirt, crying about my dead grandmother. What a wonderful woman she was. I wish I’d known her. But the point is, if Donald Trump is elected, he’ll try to jail his political opponents and censor free speech and curtail religious liberties. Or maybe that’s me, I always get confused about which one of us starred in The Apprentice and which one is the fascist. And so as I begin my campaign to become whatever it is I’m running for, I just want to say this: Never forget. What happened that day? No, really, what happened that day? I don’t remember.”

Democrat voters were so excited by the Valley Forge speech, they contributed a million dollars to the Biden campaign in a single 24-hour period, during which it became worth $400,000 because of inflation. Nonetheless, Joy Behar of “The View” reacted to the speech by saying, “Don’t tell me President Biden can’t handle this job. He’s on fire. Oh, why do I sell my soul and humiliate myself to prop up this doddering senile buffoon? Wait, is the mike still on?”

In other reactions, journalists immediately began fact-checking President Biden’s assertions in a magical land of my imagination where journalists fact-check President Biden’s assertions. And Democrats in Congress rallied around the president to congratulate him on standing upright and speaking something almost like English at the same time.

Donald Trump, meanwhile, said he was so offended by Biden’s accusations, he planned to assemble a private army and overthrow the government.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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