You know, some people say that Americans are politically divided. And sure, that’s true in some ways, like the fact that we’re on the brink of civil war. But that doesn’t mean we can’t all get along. Because in fact, when it comes to the far-Left and the far-Right, they really have a lot in common.
Now of course the far-Left and the far-Right are in different situations. The far-Left owns the presidency, the senate, the deep state, the news media, Hollywood, and academia or as they call themselves, “the resistance,” so they’re trying to figure out whether to destroy the country by polluting the minds of children with sexual deviance, or by printing so much worthless money it’s cheaper to start World War III than to buy a loaf of bread.
The far-Right owns the comment section at InfoWars and some really cool Star Trek memorabilia, so they’re trying to figure out how much Fortnite they can charge to their mother’s credit card before she catches on.
But once you get past these superficial differences, the two sides are so similar they really should be the best of friends. For instance, they both hate Jews. The far-Left hates Jews because Jews won’t allow their race to be exterminated in order to put an end to genocide. Also, Jews have been oppressed by racism more than any other people yet they use education and intact families to thrive without government assistance which would be disastrous for the Left if blacks ever caught on.
The far-Right hates Jews because they have big noses and rub their hands together while chuckling in a sinister manner before unleashing their space lasers on Hollywood, plus they’ve enlisted hundreds of eminent historians to perpetuate the myth of the Holocaust with photographs and documentation, whereas you only have to read one article by a hate-filled lunatic to realize the whole thing was faked. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it, because you’ve only read one article.
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The far-Left and the far-Right both hate marriage. The far-Left hates marriage because it leads to happy independent families who don’t need the government to build well-run lives that uplift the financial and moral standards of everyone around them thus foiling the Left’s brilliant plans to build a state-run paradise of perversion, crime and despair.
The far-Right hates marriage because it’s for simps who get lured into becoming simp husbands and simp fathers by conniving women with their sneakily alluring bodies who then suddenly divorce the simps just because they caught them having computer sex with a 13-year-old Korean prostitute who was actually a 45-year-old fat man manipulating a deep fake video, and then the divorce laws destroy the simp man’s life because we’re living in a matriarchy, which is also a 45-year-old fat man manipulating an AI video, so if simps avoid marriage they can become alpha men, or lonely schmucks.
The far-Left and the far-Right both hate democracy. The far-Left hates democracy because at any moment some guy who doesn’t even live in New York City can express any opinion he wants and then vote for someone who’ll destroy democracy, which Left-wingers love as long as it’s not the democracy with voting in it because Left-wingers hate that democracy which threatens to destroy their democracy which is the one where everyone who disagrees with them goes to jail.
The far-Right hates democracy because they want a powerful strong man to put all the Communists and homosexuals in prison while Zionist NGOs cry boo hoo hoo just because a few rights have been violated because the Zionist NGOs are also simps who don’t like powerful strong men with their bulging muscles and sweaty smell which the far-Right loves because they’re alpha men and there’s nothing alpha men love more than being dominated by powerful sweaty strong men who hate homosexuals.
And more than Jews, marriage and democracy, the far-Left and the far-Right hate each other. Because whenever they look at each other it’s like looking in a mirror. And looking in the mirror is what the far-Left and the far-Right hate more than anything else.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.