We were right when we said Trump’s Russian collusion was a hoax, but they called that a conspiracy theory.
We were right when we said COVID came from a Chinese lab, but they called that a conspiracy theory.
We were right when we said Hunter’s incriminating laptop was real, and they called that a conspiracy theory.
Now they’re trying to convince us it’s a conspiracy theory that Taylor Swift is a CIA agent trained to create a green screen psyop that looked like a successful music tour so she could then pretend to fall in love with Pfizer plant Travis Kelce while he disguised himself as a tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs whom the deep state has constructed to win a make-believe Super Bowl choreographed by the same George Soros team that faked the World Trade Center attacks using the very crisis actors who pretended to land on the moon so that Taylor Swift could then endorse Joe Biden for re-election and the Democrat party could plausibly flood the polls with android Swiftie voters and steal yet another election from Donald Trump.
You can fool us once, my friend, but try to fool us a second time and we’ll start babbling gibberish and sticking our heads so far up our own asses we’ll be able to fart through our ears.
Clearly, Biden has found the key to winning back the voters. Yes, he’s in such a late stage of dementia his eyeballs roll around because even he can’t believe the unintelligible nonsense coming out of his mouth. He’s crammed our cities with unidentifiable illegal migrants, any hundred of whom could turn out to be terrorists. He’s encouraged tyrants to spread war throughout the world by his weakness and stupidity. But none of that matters, because he’s tweeting about Elmo, and who doesn’t love that ticklish little furball?
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And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you spritzing soda siphon of satiric silliness, where did you come up with the imaginative originality that allowed you to conceive of a president so idiotic he thought he could cheer up the country he’s demolishing by quoting a plush toy?
But no! I’m not making this up. With our soldiers being murdered and our border being invaded and with one war after another spinning out of control, Biden posted on X [and so help me I did not make up a single word of this] “I know how hard it is some days to sweep the clouds away and get to sunnier days. Our friend Elmo is right: We have to be there for each other.”
Don’t you feel better now? I know I do. Every time I start to despair about our crumbling nation, I hear that furry little red guy’s high-pitched giggle, and I think to myself, well, at least the president is too demented to know what’s happening so there’s still one person in the country who’s not depressed. If all the Americans who love Taylor Swift and all the Americans who love Sesame Street can just get together, we’ll soon be holding hands and singing the alphabet while sleeping with a seemingly endless series of gigolos. Either that or we’ll be singing about sleeping with gigolos while sitting with children who tickle us in order to hear us make that stupid giggling noise until you just want to remove the batteries while the child is in the bathroom and then gently explain to her when she comes out that Elmo won’t be giggling anymore because he’s gone to a better place.
In conclusion, with the West on the brink of destruction and World War III about to start, it’s time to stop messing around with nonsense like endorsements by pop stars and puppets, and turn to the serious business of making sure gay pornography is available to kindergartners. Otherwise, people are going to begin to get the idea that America is not a serious country.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.