Infirm Biden Addresses The Nation, Endorses What’s-Her-Name For President

The Daily Wire has obtained the original script to Joe Biden’s speech declaring he will not run for re-election. The script is handwritten in a fetching blend of Crayola colors including Permanent Geranium, Macaroni and Cheese, and Dandelion, and it reads as follows, “My fellow Geraniums. No, wait, that’s the color of the crayon. What am I writing here? Oh yes, I remember now: My fellow Geraniums. In the course of my pretending to be president, the people who were really in charge have accomplished many things. We’ve addressed climate change with a bill called the Inflation Reduction Act for some reason. I guess we were trying to make you think we were reducing inflation. In fact, we were taking all your money and sending it to our friends in the sustainable energy business, so now instead of putting gasoline in your car and driving around all the time, you’ll be able to just sit still by the side of the road and get some serious thinking done. You can ask yourself the big questions, like: ‘What does sustainable even mean in this context?’ and ‘Why isn’t my car moving?’ So that’s one thing we accomplished. And then, as dedicated progressives, we made the price of eggs progress from a dollar forty to almost five bucks, so I guess that whole progressive joke’s on you.

Now, however, I find I can no longer do the things required to run for office, like run for office, or even walk without falling down, or talk in complete sentences or think above the level of a tomato. And so, instead of taking on the complex tasks of campaigning, I will henceforth restrict my activities to being President of the United States, leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of a war machine that includes enough nuclear weapons to set the earth ricocheting through the solar system like a pachinko ball. And you may ask, well, if you can’t perform tasks like standing slack-jawed in front of a microphone and reading off a teleprompter in a manner the media can at least pretend is coherent, how will you handle the complex life-and-death decisions that go with the presidency? But that’s a ridiculous question. For one thing, it’s so long I’ve already forgotten the first part of it, and without that, the second part is just a meaningless string of words — and then suddenly there’s a question mark! Who could have seen that coming?