The following is satirical.
As we begin a new year and a new decade, it’s time to turn our thoughts to ending the nation’s great political divide. We must begin to seek common ground between those of us who believe in the sacred principles of the American founding and the Democrats who are attempting to devour those principles like a swarm of locusts or some sort of toxic green slime that seeps into the fabric of our most cherished traditions and eats away at them like acid, and then, like in some disgusting horror movie, slowly morphs into the shape of an eighty-year-old Communist and runs for president.
Surely, there must be some way to ease the hostilities between those of us who understand the blessings of free thought and free enterprise and those pimply little craps who never did a damn thing but get themselves into debt and then whine about how the rest of us should pay for it because now they have a degree in Race Theory and its Application to Seventeenth Century Literature and they can’t find a job even after we somehow saved the economy from their idiot ideas.
We have to set our anger aside and find areas of agreement between conservative men and women and whatever non-gendered fairy tale creatures the Left imagines themselves to be.
Think of the sorts of things that all American can enjoy. Ice cream, for instance. Maybe we can all sit down together and have some ice cream. That ought to keep the little scumsuckers quiet for ten consecutive minutes at least so we can explain the facts of life to them while they try to learn new ways of thinking, like logically, for instance.
Then hopefully we can get to November and crush the lot of them and drive them before us and hear the lamentations of their women, not that the lamentations of their women have ever stopped and given us a moment’s peace.
So happy New Year to all Americans. And to the Democrats as well.