Some people say that conservatives can’t enjoy culture. These people think we’re all a bunch of troglodytic philistines who can’t tolerate the slightest deviance from outdated norms without harboring violent thoughts about whoever dares to exercise some creativity. Frankly, I hope the people who say these things die. Choking on their stinking culture until their eyes burst and come bubbling down their cheeks like acid that burns their faces off right in the middle of the Oscar speech in which they complain about Donald Trump’s morality just before telling their third wife they want a divorce while driving to see their mistress when they’re supposed to be picking their kid up from rehab. Even the thought of their painful deaths makes me laugh. Well, not laugh, but I make a sort of repeated guttural noise that more or less communicates amusement. Only sissies laugh.
But today, just to prove that these hostile cliches about conservatives aren’t true, I want to open the show with a review of a great American cultural event, the Super Bowl, which every conservative enjoys. Or used to enjoy back in the day when men were men — and they wore those adorable little leather helmets that made them look cute as a button.
This year’s contest began with Andra Day singing the Black National Anthem. And let me say right off this was a tremendous relief to me because I keep hearing black people are unhappy and until now, I worried America wasn’t treating them right. But it turns out black people live in an entirely different nation with its own anthem. So they’re not our problem. I mean, we have enough to worry about right here in America and can’t always be thinking about how people are treated in … Black Land, or whatever their country is called. If they want to be treated like Americans, they should come to live here. It’s like those women in Saudi Arabia who have to dress up like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come even when it’s not December. Sure, I wish they could dress like our girls in fishnet outfits with their bare asses hanging out. I love those. But they’re from Saudi Arabia — it’s another country, like the one the black folks have. If things are hard there, well, it’s just too bad.
Anyway, after the Black National Anthem, we sang our anthem for this country, and then the game began: lots of enormous guys running up and down the field, some of whom looked like they’d come all the way from the nation where the black people live, so it was nice to see they were allowed to visit here and participate, almost like real Americans.
WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
Then, it was halftime, so I went downstairs to the kitchen to see my wife. I love my wife. She combines a comforting domesticity with a smoldering sensuality that still sets my heart on fire after all these years. So halftime was great. Also she made dinner, which was a definite plus because I’d worked up a real appetite watching the American football team play the visiting blacks.
I arrived back in the television room just in time to see some guy skating around in a sparkly blue muscle costume. And all right, that struck me as a little gay, but then the guy was black so maybe that’s how they do things where he comes from. Every country has its own culture and I think we have to be open-minded. As long as they don’t come here and make trouble I don’t care what they do back home. Probably sit around the campfire and sing their national anthem before — I don’t know — whatever — dancing on skates like gay people. I’m not here to judge.
Finally, there were the great commercials, masterworks of American creativity with Ben Affleck making $10 million for five minutes of work eating a donut with his soon-to-be ex-wife Jennifer Lopez, so he has some money to give her when she leaves him for Tom Brady. Now if we couldn’t appreciate American culture like that, we really would be philistines. Or as they call them today, Palestinians. Maybe we should give them their own country like the blacks. Nah, forget it — bad idea.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.