If Black People Have Their Own National Anthem, Does That Mean They Have Their Own Country?

Some people say that conservatives can’t enjoy culture. These people think we’re all a bunch of troglodytic philistines who can’t tolerate the slightest deviance from outdated norms without harboring violent thoughts about whoever dares to exercise some creativity. Frankly, I hope the people who say these things die. Choking on their stinking culture until their eyes burst and come bubbling down their cheeks like acid that burns their faces off right in the middle of the Oscar speech in which they complain about Donald Trump’s morality just before telling their third wife they want a divorce while driving to see their mistress when they’re supposed to be picking their kid up from rehab. Even the thought of their painful deaths makes me laugh. Well, not laugh, but I make a sort of repeated guttural noise that more or less communicates amusement. Only sissies laugh.

But today, just to prove that these hostile cliches about conservatives aren’t true, I want to open the show with a review of a great American cultural event, the Super Bowl, which every conservative enjoys. Or used to enjoy back in the day when men were men — and they wore those adorable little leather helmets that made them look cute as a button.