The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
You know, they say that no one is all bad, and sure enough, presidential son Hunter Biden has taken time off from his busy schedule corruptly peddling his father’s political influence to our Chinese Communist enemies, in order to try to get out of paying child support to the daughter he can’t remember fathering off a former stripper, so when they say no one is all bad, what the hell are they talking about?
To recap the history of the case, Hunter originally denied that his daughter was his, saying he had no memory of his sexual encounter with the child’s mother, but could only recall a cocaine-fueled dream of a naked wrestling match with an inflatable sex doll that had magically come to life when she and Hunter fell through the front of a 60inch flatscreen television and ended up as animated characters in an episode of the Ren and Stimpy Adult Party cartoon. A DNA test, however, proved that the little girl was in fact Hunter’s child, although it did also confirm that Hunter was an animated character in Ren and Stimpy.
Hunter then agreed to pay $20 thousand a month in child support, which he planned to take out of the $50 thousand a month he was getting from Ukrainian oligarchs in return for his father sending $75 billion in military aid to Ukraine in order to start World War III in the hope that a globe-destroying nuclear conflict would distract voters from skyrocketing crime and runaway inflation. With those hopes temporarily on hold, however, Hunter says his income has been reduced to whatever few measly millions of dollars he can rake in by selling his worthless paintings for inflated prices to shadowy anonymous buyers in return for an “I’m With Hunter” T-shirt and unspecified political favors from the president of the United States.
At the same time, the little girl’s mother is asking that her daughter be allowed to change her last name to Biden because — and this is a real quote — “the Biden name is now synonymous with being well educated, successful, financially acute, and politically powerful.” Hunter’s lawyers countered that the request was ridiculous when clearly the Biden name is synonymous with corruption, dementia and political malfeasance. When the judge asked the little girl which name she herself would like to have, the four-year-old responded that she wanted to have any name that would allow her to spend trillions of non-existent tax dollars on political payoffs that will ultimately solidify the power of a small cadre of authoritarian internationalists. The child’s comment is believed to have confirmed the results of the DNA test.
President Biden has consistently refused to acknowledge his seventh grandchild as when he recently claimed he only had SIX grandchildren and could not wait to get his trembling, liver-spotted fingers on their soft white flesh while he drew in deep breaths of their silky hair perfumed with the sensual aroma of youth. The children themselves were not available for comment because they were huddled together under the dining room table, trembling in terror and praying God would let them win this game of Funny Grandpa Hide and Seek.
White House Spokesperson Karine Jean Identity Hire was recently asked why on earth the president refused to recognize the illegitimate daughter of his corrupt son’s cocaine-riddled affair with a former stripper. Miss Identity Hire responded, “Speaking as a black female lesbian who was totally given this job for my talent and intelligence, I believe this president doesn’t want to be exposed as the head of a sleazy criminal enterprise that is too busy squeezing Somalians out of every corrupt gangsterocracy on earth to give a rat’s buttock what happens to the American people. Luckily I’m only thinking that to myself and didn’t say it out loud. Or did I?”
Democrats worry that the Hunter court case will expose other areas of corruption in the administration and thereby hobble Democrats in their important work of slaughtering infants 10 minutes before they’re born, cutting the sexual organs off healthy young people, peddling gay pornography in elementary schools, and trying to delegitimize the Supreme Court because it keeps foiling their plans by upholding the Constitution. In the words of Democrat Senator Dick Durbin, “It would be a tragedy for this country if outrage over our petty corruption prevented us from doing real evil.”
Hunter Biden, however, swears he will press on with the case against his daughter, saying, “I will not stop trying to deprive this 4-year-old of financial support because I want to see justice done or possibly because I’m a corrupt dirtbag. I’m so stoned, I can’t remember which.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.