Hollywood’s Halloween Horror: Woke Films So Bad They’re Scaring Audiences Away

The movie business has just suffered the worst Halloween box office in over 30 years, causing many people who think seriously about Hollywood to laugh uproariously while baring their buttocks in the direction of Los Angeles and singing made-up song lyrics that rhyme with “Pharma is a glitch, you sleazy brother duckers!”

The box office tally showed that after releasing around 11 Halloween-themed movies for the October holiday at an overall production cost of about $300 million, industry leaders drew in enough money to buy a jumbo popcorn at the candy counter if the nice old man standing in line behind them gave them an extra nickel out of the goodness of his heart.

But while Hollywood zillionaires have been openly dripping scorn on the values, lifestyles, religion, and patriotism of the American public for the last 30 years, that doesn’t mean Americans are celebrating the industry’s hilariously humiliating fall down a bottomless well of hilarious humiliation. Sure, there have been one-or two-or five-hundred nationwide fortnight-long parties at which burning effigies of Bob Iger are hung from trees while adults and children alike dance in circles beneath them singing made-up lyrics that rhyme with, “Burn, you supercilious niece of split!” But that’s only because they wanted to melt chocolate and marshmallows for their s’mores, and a burning effigy of Bob Iger strung from a tree happened to be near at hand, as always.

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, studio executives are trying to solve the mysteriously puzzling conundrum-like enigma of why their latest films are not causing what used to be the movie-going public to leave their homes, where they’re busy playing darts with the headshots of loudmouth actors.

One studio executive, Chazer Shmendrik of Crapola Pictures, took time out to talk to a reporter while coming home to his third wife from his 14-year-old mistress’s house before stopping off at his dealer on his way to a fundraiser for the Shout Your Abortion Foundation. Shmendrik said, “I just can’t figure out why the folks aren’t showing up for our movies. We’ve given them homosexual propaganda for children, turned all their favorite franchises into socialist rants, denigrated masculinity, banned femininity, barred the depiction of white men as heroes, and cast the president of the United States as everything from a black lesbian to a saintly Islamist. We even made a movie about a 58-year-old girl-boss who laps milk out of a saucer in order to debase herself in front of a 25-year-old man. I mean, we’ve tried everything. What the hell else does this audience want anyway?”

Other executives said the poor Halloween box office was either due to competition from the World Series or the government shutdown, or the fact that Halloween fell on a Friday this year, or maybe just that Americans are sick of giving money to tawdry jerkwads who hate them. 

But even as Hollywood tried to determine where they might have gone wrong, the industry was rocked by another scandal when bombshell actress Lefty Vavoom showed up at an elite gala wearing a shocking full-sleeved blouse and ankle-length skirt that revealed every inch of her modesty and restrained sexual behavior. As paparazzi snaps of the starlet’s outfit appeared on front pages under red-ink shock headlines, feminist critics reacted in rage.

At the New York Times, a former newspaper, feminist columnist Banshee McScreamyface wrote, “At a time when women in the workplace are facing disrespect for simply exercising their right to descend to the lowest levels of self-hating sexual degradation, how can we proclaim our feminist principles if our Hollywood role models strut around in non-see-through blouses that don’t even expose their nipples? I don’t want to seem old-fashioned but we need a return to the good old days when Kanye West’s girlfriends came to parties wearing nothing but a dog collar, proudly proclaiming the legacy of feminism, namely obsessive self-abuse and soulless immiseration.”

Trembling before the feminist blast no one else read, Hollywood moguls immediately signed a pledge to cast more black actors in roles that make no earthly sense, and release another movie in which Nicole Kidman humiliates herself in the nude in time for her sixtieth birthday.

If that doesn’t win back the audience, nothing will. And let’s hope nothing will.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.