Here’s A Handy Q&A To Explain The Shutdown — Spoiler: It’s As Dumb As You Think

Well, the longest government shutdown in U.S. history is finally over, and many of you are asking questions like, “Why would Sydney Sweeney make a movie where she plays a fat boxer? What was she thinking?” Also, “Why do women play with their hair when they like a guy?” And here’s another one: “You know how the screen just went dark in the last episode of ‘The Sopranos’? What the hell was that about? I mean, they’re paying the screenwriter good money. Shouldn’t he be able to come up with some kind of ending? And don’t even get me started on ‘How I Met Your Mother.'”

And okay, some of you may have questions about the government shutdown and, holy moly, I can’t even imagine what your lives must be like. But hey, here at the Daily Wire, it’s not our place to mock you for being pathetic, so as part of our mission to give you an in-depth understanding of the news, we’re pleased to provide you with this handy Q&A about the government shutdown.

Q: Why did the government shut down in the first place?

A: The government shut down because Chuck Schumer is the Senate leader of the Democrats, and he’s a demon.

Q: Wait, really?

A: Yeah! Look at him. With those dead eyes, and the widow’s peak you could cut your wrists with. The guy’s a hell dweller. Probably crawled out of a crevice in the earth somewhere.

Q: But weren’t there, like, political considerations?

A: I dunno. I’m still trying to figure out how Sydney Sweeney looked in the mirror and thought: “Oh good, I’m a super-hot white girl! For the next ten years, I can literally have anything I want. I know! I’ll make a movie where I’m a fat palooka. People will flock to the theaters to see that!” I mean, who knows why people do things?

Q: Could we get back to the shutdown? 

A: Sure, you obviously have nothing better to do.

Q: What were the results of the shutdown?

A: During the shutdown, the government couldn’t perform its very important functions like — I don’t know — making speeches and putting up signs and whatnot.

Q: That’s it? They couldn’t make speeches and signs?

A: Signs are actually very important. Otherwise, they tow your car and you’re like, “What did I even do?”

Q: Well, what about healthcare?

A: Right. Democrats want to gradually lure the United States into a government healthcare system like they have in England and Canada, where more and more of your money goes into increasingly outdated medical treatments until finally they have to legalize medically assisted suicide so they can kill patients off in order to keep treatment expenses down. So then, you’re, like, twelve years old and you go to the doctor with a splinter, and he’s like, “Wouldn’t you rather just kill yourself?” The Republicans didn’t want to fund that, so Chuck Schumer closed the government.

Q: Wait, Chuck Schumer wants to suicide 12-year-olds, but that’s demonic… O-o-o-oh, I get what you’re saying.

A: This is why we provide these helpful Q and A’s.

Q: Well, what happens to stuff like taxes during a shutdown?

A: You still have to pay taxes during a shutdown so Congress can get paid.

Q: Get paid for doing what?

A: Well, the government’s shut down, so they’re not doing anything.

Q: So Congress doesn’t do anything, and we still have to give them our money?

A: Correct, and that continues even during the shutdown.

Q: So why exactly did the shutdown end?

A: The shutdown ended because the money for welfare payments ran out, so pretty soon, welfare recipients would’ve had to find jobs. Then to keep their jobs, they’d’ve had to improve their behavior, which would’ve helped them find spouses and start families and increase their sense of self-worth, until they wouldn’t even need Democrats. So basically, the Democrats needed to reopen or they’d become irrelevant.

Q: Well, frankly, I’m glad. I need to get home for Thanksgiving, and when I saw all the delays piling up at airports, I wanted to kill myself.

A: Unfortunately, if you want to kill yourself legally, you’ll just have to wait till the Democrats are back in power.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.