The Daily Wire has exclusively obtained a newsletter from the office of Joe Biden’s National intelligence director. Joe Biden, or as he’s sometimes called “The Big Guy,” is, of course, the rhododendron currently running the free world on behalf of the Chinese, which is only fair since they’ve paid him a bundle in bribes. His Director of National Intelligence is Avril Haines, whose pronouns are “wang tsi co mao soy fang fang chu” and who served under CIA Director John Brennan, a communist, when the president was Barack Obama, an anti-American globalist.
But not to worry, during her confirmation hearing, DNI Fang Fang reassured congress there were only some areas where she wanted to co-operate with the Chinese, like in collecting The Big Guy’s money and depositing it in one of his twenty shell companies so he has plausible deniability while he’s handing our border to Mexican cartels, who kill Americans with fentanyl, then launder their profits with the Chinese mafia inside the U.S.
What was I talking about? Oh, yeah.
According to The Daily Wire’s crack investigative reporter Spencer Crack, DNI Fang Fang’s office puts out a newsletter called The Dive — DIVE — which guides the FBI, CIA and NSA on matters of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion — DEI — so that our intelligence officers can better keep America free for the untraceable banking of Chinese bribes.
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According to DNI Fang Fang’s newsletter, when American intelligence officers are reporting on terrorist threats, they should stop describing… I’m not making this up — they should stop describing the terrorists with phrases that may be hurtful to Muslim-Americans.
Now, the Daily Wire’s crack reporter Crack has also obtained secret files that describe a real-life incident in which DNI’s DEI DIVE helped CIA, FBI and NSA perform their duties.
Recently one of our top CIA Agents, Wong Fu Chi, received a warning that a young Iranian man was about to blow himself up on Wall Street while shouting “Allahu Akbar!”, thereby potentially damaging our banking system and preventing President Big Guy from collecting his money from China and secreting it in one of his twenty shell companies. Though it was the dead of night, Agent Wong quickly called DNI Fang Fang where she was sleeping at Congressman Eric Swalwell’s house to report that The Big Guy’s cash was facing a jihadist threat. DNI Fang Fang immediately dropped her riding crop, leapt out of bed and instructed Agent Wong that he should re-file his report after first removing the word “jihadist” which might offend some Muslim-Americans. Dutifully starting over, Agent Wong then said, “A young man from a foreign nation that intends to destroy the world in order to hasten the arrival of the Twelfth Imam or, sorry, I should just say the Twelfth Non-denominational Clergyman named Mohammed al-Mahdi or maybe just Bob al-Mahdi or let’s just call him Pastor Bob…” Unfortunately, at this point, Agent Wong’s report was interrupted by a shout of “Allahu Akbar!” followed by a tremendous explosion.
In another helpful edition of the DNI’s DEI DIVE to FBI, CIA and NSA, the newsletter tells the touching story of an American intelligence officer who says — and as God is my witness this is a real quote from the DNI newsletter: “I am an intelligence officer, and I am a man who likes to wear women’s clothes sometimes. My gender identity and expression make me a better intelligence officer.”
The officer goes on to explain that cross-dressing not only makes his intelligence work more incisive but also more becoming in a pink chiffon mini sundress with a naughty but nice sweetheart neckline that’s simply perfect for reporting on young foreign-born males who want to hasten the coming of the twelfth non-denominational clergyman Pastor Bob… But at this point, the article is interrupted by a shout of “Allahu Akbar!” followed by a tremendous explosion.
So, as you can see, we can all rest easy at night knowing that Congressman Swalwell’s mistress DNI Fang Fang has a cross-dressing Communist CIA Agent keeping watch to make sure no one uses offensive language while President Big Guy is being paid by China with the money they make laundering the profits Mexican gangsters collect for killing Americans.
All that said, I’ll now begin my satire.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.