The following is satirical.
Thanksgiving is upon us and it’s time to take stock of all the things we’re thankful for before we all sit down at the dinner table with our families and really rip into those stupid bastards.
I, for one, can’t wait to hear Uncle Ned expound on how Donald Trump is worse than Hitler, giving me the chance to explain to him that here’s a bowl of yams in your face while I beat you over the head with a turkey leg.
But really, when you think about it, we actually have a lot of reasons to thank our leftist friends and relations.
For instance, I’m thankful for leftist gender theory, which has removed so many burdens from our lives — like reality and pleasure. Back in those silly old days when we thought we were just men and women, what did we have to look forward to besides the boring routine of romance and family? Whereas now, there’s all the excitement and drama of realizing at the very last minute you wasted your life on lies and meaningless crap.
I’m thankful that the left has freed poor people of color from the oppressive presence of the police. I’m old enough to remember when those blue meanies would come storm-trooping into the inner city, brutally imposing mass incarceration on gangsters and drug dealers. But thanks to the left, the police don’t want to go anywhere near those neighborhoods anymore, which has made life there so much more exciting, although a lot shorter as well.
And finally, I’m thankful for the left’s resistance to Donald Trump. Without the Democrats, we would just have Trump’s improved economy, better judges and restored military. But now we have all those things, plus the gift of laughter as the Democrats entertain us with their clownish antics and hapless pratfalls.
So this Thanksgiving, don’t forget to thank a leftist. Then ask him to take that bowl off his face and pass the yams.
Related: Trump Vows Not To Change Name Of Thanksgiving Despite Cries From ‘Radical Left’