I’m excited to announce to you that the Union Solidarity Coalition, a group of quasi-famous actors, actresses, and writers, is now auctioning off their services to benefit their crews’ health care fund. I should remind you that every single person who’s auctioning off services is worth millions of dollars. If they actually wanted to help benefit their crews’ health care fund, they could write a check.
That would be the best way to do it. If you are Lena Dunham and you come from a very wealthy family and have a net worth of $10-$12 million, an amazing way to help people would be to write a check. If you’re Bob Odenkirk and you made a massive success of yourself over the past few years, and you have a net worth in the $16 million range, perhaps you could sign a check.
Nope. They’re all auctioning off their services. This is exciting, earth-shattering stuff.
Here are some of the auction items that are now available. There are some gems available to you. (Bids are open on eBay, by the way, for the next seven to eight days.) I can’t wait.
If you spend the proper amount of money, you could have a mural painted by Lena Dunham in your house. She’ll come to your house if you live in New York, London, or L.A., and she will paint a mural in your home. That sounds like a nightmare because Dunham is most famous for being obsessed with genitalia. She has recalled when she was growing up, her house was covered in pictures of female genitalia. I know you’re ready to enjoy her art.
But there are some restrictions. The auction description reads:
Respect for talent and their staff will be expected at all times. Inappropriate behavior or solicitation for personal gain by the winner could result in the immediate conclusion of the experience with no refund. The talent has the right to end the experience at any time, for any reason, with no refund.
So if you want Lena Dunham, a weirdo, in your house, painting strange things on your walls, you could do that. It will only cost you about five grand.
Other items of interest: a session asking Maggie Gyllenhaal 20 questions in 20 minutes. If you’re going to do that, I would recommend you just ask her about Jake the whole time. “How did you feel when he was doing “Prince of Persia”? How about when he was in “October Sky”? How did that make you feel, Maggie?”
Natasha Lyonne is allowing you to help her help you solve the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle. For thousands of dollars. Is she that amazing at crossword puzzles?
John Lithgow will do a watercolor portrait of your dog.
You can also bid on other items, including 20 questions in a 20-minute Zoom with Sarah Silverman. The problem is that during the Zoom call, you’ll have to actually listen to Silverman’s voice for 20 long minutes, the little cutesy baby voice. And she presumably says swear words a lot.
This is so exciting.
Adam Scott is offering to walk your dog for one hour. Scott could sign a check that would benefit the crews, but instead he’s going to walk your dog for an hour, which sounds amazing. Theoretically, you could walk your dog yourself, but I guess if you really want to be able to say you hired Scott to walk your dog because it’s a good cocktail party story, you could do that.
That is inspiring stuff.