The following is satirical.
Some people who watched the Democratic response to the President’s State of the Union address last night said it was a ridiculous attempt to reinvigorate failed policies with empty rhetoric. Other people said it was powerful and intelligent because they didn’t want anyone to find out they were actually watching “The Fantastic Four” on AMC when they’re clearly too old to enjoy movies with characters named Mr. Fantastic and Victor Von Doom.
But what you may not realize and wouldn’t care about if you did is that the speech that was delivered was actually a second draft that was hurriedly assembled after a first version was thrown away. The Daily Wire has exclusively plucked that first version from a flaming dumpster. It reads in part:
Hi everyone. Many of you are probably looking at me right now and thinking, “Wow, she’s pretty hot for a governor of Michigan,” and I agree.
But you might still wonder: “What can she have to say in defense of Democrat policies when President Trump has restored the job market, boosted the stock market, killed some major terrorists and signed some new trade deals just since January?”
Well, it’s a good question and the truth is I really got screwed when they gave me this thankless task. But is having a good job anywhere near as important as insuring that a transgender woman can be called by the right pronoun? And sure, before Donald Trump took office, some of you may have been unemployed to the point of despair and addiction. But could you really understand your white privilege without a Democrat president constantly explaining it to you?
And yes, Trump has restored the military and shored up our borders but does that make up for the fact that he wanted Ukraine to investigate the unbridled corruption of one of our incredibly boring candidates…
But it was at this point, the speechwriter was fired. For some reason.