As Election Day finally arrives, Americans look forward once again to the majestic panorama of American democracy, in which men and women gather peacefully to choose their leaders while radical leftists burn their cities to the ground all around them.
With our culture so divided between those conservatives who wish to protect our constitutional norms and processes and those homunculi hiding behind masks while they terrorize citizens, destroy property and loot goods before voting for Democrats, we would like to begin a deep and profound examination at the causes of our division.
But who has time for that?
So instead let’s just speculate recklessly on what has so divided Americans from Democrats.
Some people feel the increasing leftist bias of every elite communications outlet has deepened the natural hostility between Republicans and violent buffoons and that the professors in our academies are know-nothing nincompoops who spread the toxin of Socialism to young people left ignorant by lower schools run by rabid radicals more bent on teaching genderless perversity than history, science and math so that they turn out brainless journalists who not only magnify anonymous lies against patriots but cover up any truth that may reveal the left to be the mean, ugly, dishonest pile of steaming horse manure that has transformed our entertainers into humorless propaganda spewing zombies cursing the very society that has elevated them to the highest levels on the basis of good looks and a dash of talent so small it would be totally invisible if we weren’t drawn to stare at the pornographic self-displays that have corrupted our youth and degraded our national conversation until we are no longer able to fulfill the basic duties of a free society but are tempted to languish in mind-numbing hedonism while a small band of over-credentialed morons turn our cities into gigantic trash heaps of homelessness and poverty.
And some people think there’s some other problem. I’m not sure what. Maybe video games.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Social Media To Introduce New Fact-Check Measures That Make It Impossible To Find Out How Incredibly Corrupt Joe Biden Is