Examining the Causes of the Deep Division Between Americans and Democrats [Satire]

As Election Day finally arrives, Americans look forward once again to the majestic panorama of American democracy, in which men and women gather peacefully to choose their leaders while radical leftists burn their cities to the ground all around them.

With our culture so divided between those conservatives who wish to protect our constitutional norms and processes and those homunculi hiding behind masks while they terrorize citizens, destroy property and loot goods before voting for Democrats, we would like to begin a deep and profound examination at the causes of our division.