The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Now listen, I don’t want to make fun of a stroke victim. I don’t want to make jokes about an old man with dementia. I don’t want to laugh at some poor woman whose only job qualifications are a hairstyle and a talent for mendacity. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much the entire Democrat party — and while I don’t want to make fun of them, someone has to. So let’s get started.
As the mid-term campaign season nears its close, Americans are preparing for election day when the free people of a great nation turn out to weep for what used to be a great nation when they were free people.
Democrats, who run all three branches of government and are therefore to blame for this dumpster fire, have been working to bring their campaign messaging to a perfect balance of subtle distortions and outright lies. Their first strategy was to talk endlessly about the capital kerfuffle on January 6th. That idea failed, however, when voters decided that a lunatic in a Viking hat running through congress smearing the walls with excrement was actually doing a better job than the people who are usually there.
Since then, Democrats have resorted to telling the electorate: “Sure, we tanked the economy, turned your cities into crime-ridden hellholes and threw the rule of law out the window. But at least we’re in favor of sexually mutilating children and slaughtering babies. Anything more than that would be too much of a good thing.”
Now, in the Pennsylvania Senate race for instance, stroke victim and funny-shaped head guy John Fetterman and TV Dr. Mehmet Oz are running neck and bizarre goiter to the finish line as Fetterman tries to drive home his campaign slogan: “I’m tan, rested and have no idea where I am.” After their recent TV exchange, the mainstream media was unanimous in saying Fetterman had turned in the finest debate performance by a man in a vegetative state in the history of medical emergencies.
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden also chimed in on the debate in a private conversation with the cover of Brittany Spears’s first album, saying: [quote] “Everyone says Fetterman is speaking gibberish — like that’s a bad thing. But his debate performance reminded me of that time I told Corn Pop: Listen, a car in the balloon is worth an elephant on the head of a pin. Then I hit him with a roll of barbed wire I’d gotten from my many, many black friends who liked to stroke the hair on my leg because it was so soft and shiny. That’s why I’ll vote for Fetterman if it turns out I live in Pennsylvania.” [unquote]
In New York, unelected governor Kathy Hochul swore that she would fight crime to the very last hour before election day and then return to the policies that caused the crime in the first place and up yours. The effect of these remarks has been to narrow her race with Lee Zeldin, a man so obscure he had to check Wikipedia to find out who he was.
And in the Michigan governor’s debate, Governor and UberSturmFuhrer Gretchen Von Whitmer, defended her policy of locking the state’s entire population in their bathrooms during the pandemic saying it was important to cut down on traffic so she could visit her family more easily. When those remarks were greeted with anger, Von Whitmer started screaming, “Help, I’m being kidnapped,” and was carried off the debate stage by two FBI Agents wearing MAGA hats and t-shirts reading, “I mugged Jussie Smollett.”
Now to be fair, there’s also been some trouble on the right, especially after the artist formerly known as Kanye West went on an ugly anti-semitic rant. Adidas, a company literally founded by and named after a member of Hitler’s Nazi party — and no, I’m not making that up — dropped Ye as a sponsor, saying [quote] “This level of anti-semitism is unacceptable.” [unquote] Come to think of it, I’m not exactly sure what they meant by that.
Anyway, because Kanye knows Candace Owens and Candace knows Ben Shapiro, journalists are now insinuating that Ben Shapiro is one of the worst anti-semites ever to put on a yarmulke. Every morning, apparently, Ben looks in the mirror and says, “It’s you rotten Jews who make a fortune by controlling the media.” Which, okay, in Shapiro’s case happens to be true. But that other thing, about Jews aiming a space laser at earth — well, okay, Shapiro’s doing that too.
So maybe we should just vote for the guy in the Viking hat.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.