Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s (D-MA) presidential campaign is tangling with some tough issues Wednesday but, perhaps, the most serious among them is what will happen to the United States when a zombie apocalypse finally happens and our only hope to survive — President Elizabeth Warren — was never elected.
Warren performed badly on Super Tuesday, netting fewer delegates — and far fewer votes — than her campaign expected, posting, at best, third and fourth place wins in more than a dozen states. In her home state of Massachusetts, Warren placed a dismal — and distant — third.
Wednesday morning, Warren’s team announced that the Massachusetts senator was taking some time to regroup and meet with her top advisors. She has no events on the schedule until Friday, and she wants to “assess the path forward,” according to statements made by sources close to the Warren campaign.
“Three weeks ago, the campaign said it was ‘poised’ to finish in the top-two in eight of the 14 states that vote on Super Tuesday,” Politico reported Wednesday. “She didn’t in any.”
She’s also running out of money. Despite a small windfall last week, following a stellar debate performance, Warren, Politico and other outlets suggested Wednesday, has only enough cash to keep the lights on and ads running until March 10. The next set of primaries isn’t until March 17th, and the next Democratic debate — Warren’s best chance to log swift income — isn’t until March 15th.
Worse still, though, Warren’s campaign is now in a funk, plagued by desperation, despair, and infighting, and a failure to comprehend how such a prepared candidate never gained traction. “The campaign’s design director was especially dark,” Politico reported, bemoaning America’s unwillingess to understand how essential Elizabeth Warren is to the country’s surival.
“This is a product of a sad drunk brain and a lifetime of sci-fi,” the design director wrote in a private email to staff, “but I keep thinking about the Coronavirus and fiction universe in which it turn us all into zombies and a small group of heroes try to go back in time to elect Warren because she was the only one with a plan.”
That’s right: America missed out on its only chance to survive the zombie apocalypse.
Things only got worse among Warren’s staffers on Wednesday, when social media began to weigh in on Warren’s losses. At that point, Warren’s staffers went after each other.
“[S]taffers, who are usually unflappably positive on social media, vented their frustration with sexism, Sanders supporters, and the state of the race,” Politico reported. “The night even had two staffers openly exchanging barbs on Twitter over whether some Warren aides were too ‘privileged.'”
Warren, for her part, is ignoring the Super Tuesday results, it seems. In a message to supporters from the campaign sent Wednesday afternoon, Warren’s team insisted that they are pushing forward.
We might not know the full results from states like Texas, California, and Colorado for a few days,” the email read. “There are six more primaries just one week away, and we need your help to keep up the momentum.”