The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Democrats, and other vampires sucking the life-blood from the throat of human decency, are beginning to worry that Democracy is in danger from Democracy.
With the latest polls showing that voters may throw Democrats out of office, then bounce them down the street like basketballs, then kick them from one side of the curb to the other, then jump up and down on their stomachs shouting, “Take that, you stupid Democrats,” then kick them from side to side some more before covering them with tar and feathers, hurling them into the Potomac and pelting them with rotten fruit as they float out to sea, then rounding them up in fishing nets and bringing them back on land to kick them from side to side again…
I forgot where I was going with this.
But the point is, Democrats may lose majorities in Congress and they feel this presents an existential threat to their majorities in Congress — or Democracy — you know, whichever. In the New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third wrote an essay for the opinion page, or as it’s often called, Knucklehead Row. The essay said, [quote] “Our democratic system is terribly broken if people can just go to the polls and vote for whatever candidate they happen to prefer. Here at the Times, the image of a mob swarming into voting booths one at a time conjures up traumatic memories of January 6th, when a mob swarmed into the Capitol and would have murdered public officials if they had murdered public officials. Now once again, we tremble at the sight of large numbers of people violently casting their violent votes to violently chase those same public officials from office violently. This is the kind of behavior that gave us Donald Trump and a booming economy and no new wars and we certainly don’t want that again because Donald Trump is a gigantic booger and a poo-poo head not to mention a stink-faced cooties magnet… niener niener niener.” [unquote]
Although Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has not shared her fears publicly, she did speak in the privacy of Jake Tapper’s new show on CNN, saying, [quote] “Today as I was in the bathroom mainlining Botox into my face to keep my head from collapsing in on itself like something in the last reel of a Dracula movie, I spoke to the people of the United States or my own reflection, and I tried to warn them or possibly myself about the damage their voting could do to Democracy. I said, People of the United States, or me: To vote against Democrats is completely out of keeping with the American founders’ vision of how I want you to vote. If Democrats lose their majorities, there will be no going back until Democrats change their absurd philosophy and stop making a crap-heap out of everything they touch, and that may not happen in my lifetime because it’s my lifetime and I’m the cause of a lot of it. We must preserve Democracy to enforce the will of the people as long as the will of the people is whatever I say it is.” [unquote]
At a campaign stop at a Girl Scout rally he’d snuck off to while his Secret Service was busy playing Grand Theft Auto, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden told a thirteen-year-old girl, [quote] “It has never been more important that you stop running away from me and let me bury my nose in your beautiful golden hair so I can describe all the things you shouldn’t let boys do to your plump, luscious pubescent body. Also Democracy is important — and so we mustn’t allow some semi-fascist with half a black shirt and one jackboot to acquire the other half of that shirt and another boot and become a full fascist because then he might go out and fascistly vote, which he wouldn’t do if he only had half a shirt and one boot because then people would see he was only a semi-fascist and that would be embarrassing for him. Democracy is on the ballot and if people vote against democracy then democracy will lose so it’s a good thing democracy isn’t on the ballot because that wouldn’t make any sense — it would be like walking around with half a shirt and one boot. Now come back here, you flirty little vixen.” [unquote]
Democrats have pledged they will do everything they can to protect Democracy during this election but they’re not sure they’ll be able to get away with it this time.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.