CNN is now reporting that the mostly peaceful demonstrations for racial justice are all Donald Trump’s fault because they’re violent riots serving no purpose at all.
In the cable network’s latest news show, Preposterous Sources, a Volkswagen pulls up and dozens of CNN commentators amazingly yet hilariously pour out onto the set and begin denouncing Trump for the violence that isn’t happening in the mostly peaceful cities that are burning down for some reason that is Trump’s fault.
After gleefully honking his red rubber nose, Don Lemon told his viewer, “Let me pretend to be clear. These cities you see where innocent people are brutalized — this is Donald Trump’s America — or at least those parts of Donald Trump’s America that are governed by Democrats and that’s why they’re mostly peaceful.”
“And I’m very serious about this as you can tell from the faint moistness in my eyes, which I feel gives me the sensitive look of a graceful doe in a peaceful forest glade,” Lemon added. “But perhaps that’s beside the point.”
Joe Biden has also emerged from his basement to praise the mostly peaceful protests that are actually riots that are Trump’s fault, so he denounces them.
Speaking to a broom closet he mistook for a meeting of very thin people re-enacting the Bride of Frankenstein, Biden said, “C’mon, man! These are people. When I look at them I see the whole history of a kind of thing that we need to do better because do I look like someone who would support radical leftists like my good friend Bernie Sanders or my running mate Kamala Harris? I mean, who do you think I am?”
“No really, who DO you think I am, because I can’t remember,” Biden said. “And while you’re at it, where do you think I live, because I’d like to get back in the basement.”
Biden then declared victory in the election and resigned the presidency, which would make Kamala Harris the first woman of color ever to become president in an old man’s imagination.
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