Whenever November comes along, American political observers turn their minds to the upcoming elections because they can’t just sit in the corner sobbing all the time, it’s unseemly.
As things stand now, Democrats are fearful that their election chances may suffer somewhat from the fact that their policies have led to two major wars, surrendered our borders to Mexican cartels, and turned our salaries to dust that was blown away on the winds of inflation into a vast expanse of insubstantial nothingness that used to be our rent and groceries. As DNC Chairman Mao Tse Jihad told CNN anchorwoman Vladimir Jihad — no relation — “We’re concerned that our disastrous policies may have alienated some of our core voters, like dead people, unassigned social security numbers, and bicycle riders with bags filled with mail-in votes from former residents who moved away years ago and are now voting in other states. Without those constituencies we’re not sure we’ll be able to garner enough self-righteous white women who don’t know anything but feel good when they vote for us for no discernible reason.”
To counter the actual effects of their policies, Democrats are hoping to fashion an electoral majority out of voters who stick their ice cream cones into their foreheads because they’re too stupid to find their mouths. Political consultants are experimenting with slogans that appeal to the Democrat base like, “Vote Democrat. The Country is still standing. Help us finish the job.” Or “Extreme Maga Republicans want to stop you from slaughtering your unborn children, but we won’t let them, because we’re evil, like you.”
Consultants are also hoping Joe Biden’s primary campaign will help lift local candidates. They’ve already filmed one candid campaign commercial in which Biden looks directly into the camera and speaks off the cuff with great sincerity, saying, “I’m Joe Biden. Hebda meena babba-dabba-loo norvis catumin,” then he falls on his face. In another commercial, the president is shown gazing off into the distance with a waving American flag superimposed over his image as he speaks in voiceover saying, “My fellow Americans, where am I? And why is that transparent flag waving on my face? And where am I?” If those commercials don’t test well, the campaign may simply go with a bold slogan like: “Joe Biden. There’s absolutely no proof he’s doing what he’s doing.”
On the Republican side, middle-of-the-road GOP consultants and other nostalgic onanists are desperately trying to make Nikki Haley into a thing so she can use a win in the Iowa caucuses as a launchpad to hosting a late night talk show on OAN. These strategists are hoping that Florida governor Ron DeSantis will leave the race so Nikki can combine his 16% support with her 16% support which would add up to 16% support since her 16% support is completely imaginary. Haley’s campaign slogan would be, “Nikki Haley! Let’s just pretend this whole Trump thing never happened.”
More realistic Republicans are looking at frontrunner Donald Trump and trying to find ways to expand his support beyond those voters who can stand him. One strategy is to have GOP operatives pose as Democrat protestors at Trump rallies, only instead of calling Trump “literally Hitler,” they’ll call him “literally Hamas,” since it means exactly the same thing except Democrats would then vote for him.
Strategists are also preparing for the likelihood that Trump may be convicted in one of the many trials charging him with being simultaneously obnoxious and right about everything. If Trump should win the election and be forced to run his presidency from prison, advisors are hoping he might use his reality TV expertise to stage crowd pleasing events like a riot between the Black Vanguard and the Aryan Brotherhood in which the survivor becomes his chief of staff. This would be an improvement over Trump’s former chiefs of staff, because at least prison gang members don’t rat on you. Such events would be interspersed with commercials in which prisoners who have dirt on the Clintons are put in solitary confinement on 24-hour-suicide watch yet still somehow manage to hang themselves with Giza Dream Sheets made with 100% long staple cotton. Use code “Don’t Mess With Hillary” for a 40% chance of disappearing without a trace.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “When Christmas Comes” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available!
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.